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Showing posts from June, 2012

I Have Expired Medicine and I'm Not Afraid to Use It... On Other People

I'm seeing a doctor tomorrow for my Angelina Jolie Lips Syndrome. It's that thing where your lips swell to Angelina proportions, cause unknown, hence the doctor.


Worried that I've become allergic to him, Boyfriend insisted that I make the appointment. Then he took two steps backward by extracting, from a stained Ziploc bag plumbed from the depths of the bathroom cabinet, a topical painkiller... that expired in 2006. He earnestly offered it to me, to ease my suffering. Let's see what a doctor has to say about that:

All drugs have unique formulations consisting of active and inactive ingredients geared to treat specific diseases. Once a drug is developed, manufacturers determine the length of time a drug will last without deteriorating; this is known as the drug's shelf-life. If a medication is used within its shelf-life, maximal efficacy and safety of the drug is expected. [...]The safety of expired medications should also be considered. Medications may change their…

The Faceless Employee Upgrade

I am no longer Faceless Employee: an expendable resource, a cog in the machine of a dysfunctional organization. I am now Shameless Employee: the terror of leftover office sandwiches everywhere.

That is all.

The Other Sexy

"For women, their list of hot men includes a dad who waits at the corner bus stop with his toddler son and places him on the bus with a kiss atop the head and waves goodbye as the bus drives away. This man could be thirty pounds overweight and wearing a goofy hat. Women will still find him sexy."
-Denis Leary, Why We Suck
It's true. My gender programming is such that I swoon whenever Boyfriend utters these words:

"Can you teach me the recipe of this mango dessert? I'd like to make it sometime."
"I cleaned the house while you were sleeping. Here's breakfast."
"I'll take care of the litter box. You just relax."
"Sure, you can play another 100 hours of Xenoblade."

Ladies, you know what I'm talking 'bout, right? "Sexy" means awesome at life. "Sexy" means considerate. A sexy man cooks, cleans, and cares.

I wonder, is the opposite true for men, i.e. is it all about looks? What I'm really asking…

Game Review/Nerd Alert: Xenoblade Gushing (Wii)

Xenoblade Chronicles is the greatest game I've played since Chrono Trigger. It's got four main things going for it: (one!) an expansive, beautiful world; (two!) epic music; (three!) a mind-blowing story; and (four!) compelling characters.

Let's start with one:

The game has about a dozen locations, with plenty of standouts like Gaur Plain (pictured above), Makna Forest, Eryth Sea, and Satorl Marsh. The developers weave these impressive locations into the gameplay, and reward observant players who like to wander off the beaten path. I happily explored everywhere, and in this way, accidentally stumbled upon secret areas that would later become crucial to sidequests.

The amazing music sets the mood as you move through the world of Xenoblade. For example, Gaur Plain has a rhythmic, toe-tapping number to accompany your characters' free ranging. At night, ether adds an ethereal glow to the otherwise icky Satorl Marsh, and the music shifts to a choir-and-keyboard arrangement th…

Movie Review: The Woman in Black (2012)

I heartily recommend The Woman in Black to anyone who's in it to shriek it!

In Daniel Radcliffe's first post-Harry Potter film, creepy kids are creepy, vengeful spirits are vengeful, and ohmyLord there are scares aplenty. The Woman in Black boasts impeccable costume and set designs, which, combined with the effective "Boo!" moments and tense music, eventually distracted me from my disbelief at baby-faced Radcliffe being a father.

Radcliffe plays Arthur Kipps, a young lawyer who loses his wife during childbirth. To support himself and his little son, he travels to Creepy Mansion on a Deadly Marsh to sort through the papers there and, I don't know, make sure the ghost isn't pressing charges. The villagers who live near the Marsh of Doom want Kipps to leave, except for the helpful Daily (Ciarán Hinds). Then kids start dying, and Kipps must appease the woman in black before his son arrives to join him in the village.

I'd buy you a cocktail if I had a dollar …

Fragrant Elephant Puts On Make-up

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Fragrant Elephant Puts On Make-up

Boston, Mass. -- June 18 -- Claiming to be bowing to pressure from her mother, Boyfriend, and society, obscure blogger Fragrant Elephant applied eye shadow and mascara for a recent event. Her efforts, which she modestly described as "heroic," were cheered by the committee inside her own head, who praised her effusively for not poking out her eyes even though she'd only applied eye make-up once before, possibly for some other event. The invisible committee, composed of the voices of Fragrant Elephant's mother, Boyfriend, and society, also reminded her that this was why she'd gone through Lasik: so people could be wowed by her enhanced eyelashes and limpid brown eyes.

"I told her she needed a regimen," said the blogger's proud mother. "One for during the day, and moisturizers at night. It's very important to not look like a maid." Beaming, Fragrant Mother added: "Now I'm go…

Electionerd: The First Ladies

Today's Electionerd is brought to you by the mainstream media quoting men on women's issues! Men: women without the wo(e)!

Speaking of, here's a primer on the lovely ladies who are campaigning for their husbands to take/remain on the Seat of Ultimate Power in November:

Your ad here!Full name Ann Lois Romney Michelle LaVaughn Robinson Obama Hometown Bloomfield Hills, Michigan Chicago, Illinois Occupation Housewife First Lady of the United States
(former VP for Community &
External Affairs at University of
Chicago Hospitals) Years Married 43 20 Number of Offspring 5
(Taggart, Matthew, Joshua,
Benjamin, Craig) 2
(Malia, Sasha) Number of Grandchildren 18 0 Championing Better opportunities for urban youths Ending childhood obesity Personal Health Issue Multiple sclerosis; breast cancer
(now cancer-free) Brain might be too big Best Feature Stepford smile See picture ^ Likes Dogs? May prefer horses Yes Likely to be Played by Amy Poehler Oprah
Thank you to Wikipedia for the factoids a…

Is It Love, or the Drugs?

This morning, Boyfriend commented that with my just-out-of-the-shower hair, I reminded him of "that woman from Last Samurai with the white kimono or whatever that was."

"That woman" is Koyuki. She is so awesome that Japan has deemed her last name unnecessary. In the scene that Boyfriend was talking about, she looks like this:


Meanwhile, I look like this:


Is it love, or the LSD tablets I slip into his aspirin bottle? I think it's both! <3

Disclaimer: This blog does not condone the abuse of LSD for any purposes, even romantic ones. I recommend alcohol instead.

Movie Review: Snow White & The Huntsman (2012)

We were all there for the Queen. We sat in the darkened room, enraptured by her flawlessness, rooting for her to defeat Snow White and become a revisionist fairy tale villain triumph. We sent Care Bear stares of love and good will into her perfect eyes. And then she opened her mouth and crushed our dreams, and not in a good way.

Dialogue turns out to be the main weakness and the greatest strength of Snow White & the Huntsman, Hollywood's latest gritty interpretation of the Grimm Brothers' fairy tale. Charlize Theron plays Queen Ravena, whose mandatory giant mirror is pimped out with a spectral golden figure that gives her beauty advice (of the "Eat her heart, never use foundation again!" variety). She's a career evil queen who travels, kills kings, takes over their kingdoms, and destroys the land itself, presumably by yelling. Charlize shouted so hard during filming that she pulled a stomach muscle, true story. That's role dedication right there. The bes…

Movie Review: Prometheus (2012)

Prometheus is a great yarn. If you haven't seen the trailers, the story goes: scientists discover ancient cave paintings that point to a location in space. They convince a corporation to fund their mission to go there, and off they go on their merry way. And then [REDACTED]

Spoiler jokes aside, here are what make this film epic: the amazing CG (we watched it in 3D), the tensions between the crew of the Prometheus, and the horrific discovery(ies) that lie in wait. Dun dun DUNNN! The characters who matter were well developed. In particular, the character played by Michael Fassbender, my secret lover (so secret he has no idea), stayed on my mind throughout the elephant car ride home.

I think the best thing about Prometheus is the questions it raises. What would you ask your creator? How far would you go to get those answers? And most importantly, what is this wiggly black stuff and is it a new and interesting way to die?

Yes. Yes, it is. Go see it. It's worth it.

Life's an Onion

Life is an onion. It can make your eyes water as you peel away the layers to reveal the core of your being. This post is about a special kind of life onion: the Onion of Societal Expectations. It's special because I made it up. Behold:

Each item is an onion layer. Let me explain.

Your face: Society is mostly on the lookout for symmetrical features, clear skin, and absolutely no unibrows. At the very least, society expects your face to not look like something that would make a gargoyle go, "Ew."

Your body: Vogue apparently did a roundhouse kick to the current trend of too-skinny models by pledging to promote "healthy" models. You're not off the hook, though. Rolls of fat are only cute in babies. You must be able to fit into an airplane seat. The absence of muffin tops or love handles is also a bonus.

Words: It doesn't have to be your own words. You can regurgitate if you like. But your words must match the current social context, e.g. condolences when trag…

Time Suck, Work, Etc

This morning I enjoyed a trifecta of articles that piqued my monkey brain. Incidentally, I thought “trifecta” meant “trio,” but in fact its primary meaning has to do with horse racing.

Anyway. The first piece, from Harvard Business Review (HBR), has a title that sums up my life philosophy: The Unimportance of Practically Everything. The operative word here is “practically,” as in, “I practically peed in my pants when I saw Jennifer Garner three feet behind me in the GAP dressing room area.” Note: not the same as “literally” or “virtually.” In other words, my underwear remained safe, and yes, I did see her. She’s very, very pretty.

Anyway, part II. HBR suggests that most things—emails, online articles (oh, the irony!), etc—are more numerous than the truly vital stuff, e.g. money, cats, and video games. We need to shut out most of the noisy information pouring into our brains. That dovetailed nicely with How to be Happy at Work by Inc., which informed me that about 20% of what I do in …