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I Have Expired Medicine and I'm Not Afraid to Use It... On Other People

I'm seeing a doctor tomorrow for my Angelina Jolie Lips Syndrome. It's that thing where your lips swell to Angelina proportions, cause unknown, hence the doctor.

^ This, but unnatural and painful.

Worried that I've become allergic to him, Boyfriend insisted that I make the appointment. Then he took two steps backward by extracting, from a stained Ziploc bag plumbed from the depths of the bathroom cabinet, a topical painkiller... that expired in 2006. He earnestly offered it to me, to ease my suffering. Let's see what a doctor has to say about that:

All drugs have unique formulations consisting of active and inactive ingredients geared to treat specific diseases. Once a drug is developed, manufacturers determine the length of time a drug will last without deteriorating; this is known as the drug's shelf-life. If a medication is used within its shelf-life, maximal efficacy and safety of the drug is expected. [...] The safety of expired medications should also be considered. Medications may change their chemical and physical properties, as is evident when tablets disintegrate and liquids separate into layers, or even change color within the dispensed bottle.

I rejected the medication and made him throw it out.

Now I'm thinking -- heck, if I have Angelina Jolie Lips Syndrome, maybe I could get Angelina Jolie Face Syndrome! Wouldn't that be terrific! Here's the plan: I gather all expired meds lying around the house, apply it to someone's face, and watch the magic happen! Any volunteers?

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