Book Review: Real Food/Fake Food (2016)

Larry Olmsted's Real Food/Fake Food made me hangry (hungry + angry). The author's exposé about widespread food deception hits especially hard because he starts each chapter with vivid descriptions of how lovingly the real stuff is made and how delicious it is. And then he describes the fraudulent labeling and shipping practices of many players in the food industry. Finally, he ends with how savvy readers can, if not get their hands on real food, at least avoid the (usually high-priced) fakes. Thanks, Larry!

The opening chapter, about Parmigiano-Reggiano (parmesan), is an eye-opening foray into what goes into what Olmsted calls "real food"--fresh, wholesome ingredients, strict regulations, and very specific labels. I learned so much! For example, I did not know that real fancy cheese gets its name basically tattooed on the rind. Also, different factors and crafts contribute to the final product: the terroir, the dairy farmers, the cheesemakers, and the inspectors who check if the parmesan is up to their rigorous standards. (Reading this chapter reminded me of Samin Nosrat's visit to Italy to eat chunks of Parmigiano-Reggiano in Salt Fat Acid Heat, and how she practically passed out from pleasure.) Anyway, afterwards Olmsted warns readers that popular parmesan cheeses available in the US are often adulterated and are not, in fact, parmesan, since the cheese gets its name from the Italian city of Parma, ergo if the cheese didn't come from fat, happy Parma cows it is fake! Shame, Kraft, shaaaame!

Throughout the book, Olmsted examines the issue of lax labeling standards in the US, and the country's obstinate refusal to adhere to international pressure to regulate and enforce its food imports and production. This is an issue with certain types of fish, olive oil, Kobe beef, wines, and honey. Olmsted dedicates a section to each of these foodstuffs, first describing his personal experience with the real thing--for example, proper balsamic vinegar is so potent that only drops are added to chunks of Parmigiano-Reggiano--and then explaining how counterfeit products are sold in the US with misleading labels. Again, he concludes every chapter with tips on how to spot fake food, such as looking for the country of origin of the product (e.g. champagne should come from France). In this way, he always finishes on a hopeful note, as opposed to say, Jonathan Safran Foer's dolorous Eating Animals.

In closing, I highly recommend this very educational, very delicious book. The author's enthusiasm for real food is apparent on every page, and his lists of tips are very helpful if you're inclined to be discerning about what you eat.

TL;DR: Read it, foodies!!!

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This post brought to you by my odd determination to watch the horror movie Oculus while home alone on a dreary day! Send puppies!

Book Review: Four Fish: the Future of the Last Wild Food (2010)

Paul Greenberg's Four Fish: the Future of the Last Wild Food is a good introduction to aquaculture and the industrial fishing practices that bring us our sashimi and scrod. Greenberg, a fishing enthusiast from an early age, contends that four fish--salmon, bass, cod, and tuna--have come to dominate our dinner plates. He devotes a chapter to each fish, vividly describing their physical and physiological characteristics, their range and habits, as well as the evolution of humanity's methods for catching them in increasingly larger numbers.

In this way, Greenberg underlines the inherent lack of sustainability in our collective fishing processes. Overfishing has had such a devastating impact on the focus populations, and Greenberg advocates for government regulation, showing that fish numbers tend to recover when official intervention gives them breathing room. His dismissal of individual consumer choice as a significant influence on the fishing industry is an interesting departure from other food books that I've read. He does have a point--if governments prevented overfished families from reaching the market in the first place, then ordinary folks wouldn't have to vote with their wallet, as it were. Greenberg thinks subsidizing artisanal fishing is the way to go.

Whether or not that has a snowball's chance in hell of happening, I learned a lot from this book! For instance, I found out that the larval stage has astronomically high mortality rates, so the fish we currently eat are those bred to survive that stage (if farmed), or are tough and/or lucky (if wild). I also had no idea that it takes so much fish feed to grow a fish. I was blissfully ignorant about how Chile, Norway, Alaska, and other places supply our sources of omega-3 fatty acids. I had zero clue that party boats for fishing were a thing. Finally, until I saw the cover of this book, I did not know what the eponymous four fish looked like in their non-filleted form. The more you know!

In conclusion, Four Fish is an informative, enjoyable read that practically radiates with the author's love and enthusiasm for, and deep connection to, the subject matter. The prose is clear, the ideas flow well, and best of all, I came away feeling that there are viable solutions to overfishing...if only we could get our act together, which we occasionally do!

TL;DR: A fun, educational book!

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This post brought to you by US midterm elections!

My Son the Ramen Monster

Ramen is a Japanese noodle dish that you can get for 600 yen in Kyoto, or twice that in Boston, which really should be rectified because the two cities are sister cities, but I digress. Ramen's essential ramen-ness is in its broth and noodles. If you would like to watch a very Japanese (read: wonderful and weird) movie about ramen, I recommend Tampopo, where the heroine goes to great lengths to spy on the secret broth ingredients of her would-be competitors. There's also an episode of Golden Boy where he works at a ramen shop and learns how to make noodles, but it's rather pervy so let's keep that in your "maybe?" pile.

Anyway, the point is that ramen is delicious and your bowl must be emptied, broth and all, to show respect for the chef. When I lived in Kyoto, I watched any number of sarariman just pound those giant bowls like it ain't no thang, and so I learned to completely finish off my ramen. Also, apparently in Japan it is super bad to ask for a doggie bag, because you're expected to eat everything you ordered. This was back in '05, you understand, but I doubt Japanese society has changed too much. Well, we'll find out when I take my mom on her Japan tour, after I win the lottery, obviously. Again, I digress.

The real point of that rambling preamble is to reveal that my son is a ramen monster. HE WILL NOT STOP UNTIL HE HAS ALL THE RAMEN. I first found out that he even liked ramen during a routine lunch stop at H Mart, when I placed some noodles from my bowl in front of him. He likes pasta, so I figured, hey, wheat noodles are wheat noodles. 

On that day, he ate half my bowl of ramen and demanded more. (This is including the pork, because he needs his protein, and the vegetables, because he really likes greens.)

So from that point forward, I would order an extra serving of noodles just for him. And all was well with the world.

But earlier today, I got my ramen order from Bon Me, and I'd never eaten there before, so I didn't know if they did extra noodles. I had to share my bowl with a bottomless pit. :(

Here is Hubby trying to keep pace with the Ramen Monster:

Which begs the question: is this how Hubby feels when I polish off a giant bowl of ramen? Does he wonder where it all goes? 

These are rhetorical questions; the answer is of course yes. So the family now has two ramen monsters, is what I am saying. 

TL;DR: Junior eats just like mommy.

This post brought to you by homebrewed mead and stovetop popcorn!

Being Vegetarian

Exhibit A: Pinakbet, note the shrimp

First, a disclaimer: je ne suis pas vegetarien. I invite you to view Exhibit A, a dish I made for tonight's invitation-only Filipina Mafia Dinner: it has shrimp. Ergo, I'm not a vegetarian.

But!

It's been weeks since I watched Cowspiracy and I still hear Howard Lyman's words: "You can't be an environmentalist and eat animal products." It makes sense, given the nature of agribusiness. Growing livestock takes too much land and water; catching fish results in too many by-kills. Et cetera.

So I looked up the vegetarian food pyramid, drank less milk, and continued not buying beef (we stopped maybe a year ago, because reasons).

But!!

I still eat eggs, cheese, chicken, pork, and fish. I agree that drastically reducing meat consumption can make a dent in the fight against climate change, but transforming from a voracious pork-devourer into a lentil- and chickpea-chewer is a slow process. In fact, back in grad school, when my homegirl Shaffo said she was going vegetarian, I replied: "I have a moral objection to that." Those were my exact words. I was close-minded. But I had a tummy full of iron, protein, and vitamin B12!

Also, please note: "I have a moral objection to that" = "I vehemently disapprove of your rejection of bacon, why have you done this, you must be shunnnnnnned." 

Bacon is still my jam.

But!!!

I am a secret Planeteer and I will do my part for mother Earth!

TL;DR: Being a vegetarian is hard but I think I can do it with enough garlic chili sauce.

This post brought to you by butt-cold rain!

Fil-Am Baby Breakfast

What does a tiny human who sprung from the loins of two cultures consume? How does a little Am-boy (American boy) break his fast? 

With rice and Cheerios, of course!

Indeed, this combination of highly glycemic carbohydrates and, let's face it, donut-shaped cardboard, has been known to provide nutrients, calories, and pincer grip practice. In ancient days, cave husbands and cave wives fed their offspring this very combination to improve the species' chances of survival. 

Or I'm just a weirdo who throws stuff in my baby's bowl for giggles. Yeah, I think that's it. 

I'm pleased to report that Fragrant Junior has impressed The Supreme Judge (that would be Fragrant Mother/ Mamala) with his eating skills. Bonus: his aunt, Fragrant Sister, also praised his hand-eye-mouth coordination! What can I say--he's my son, of course his face-feeding skills are consistently at master level. 

That said...his sleeping still needs work. We started sleep training on Wednesday (we took turns going in every five minutes to soothe him) and on Friday, HE SLEPT FROM 8PM TO 6AM. IT WAS AMAZEBALLS. Then we must have displeased Cthulu, because the next night he went right back to his 12AM and 3AM crying jags. Blergh.

Still, it's all okay when his eyes pop open in the mornings and he beams while staring deeply into my eyes. Then he shoves his little fingers up my nose, because who knows why babies do things. 

The point is, new parents should get a year off from work to bond with their babies and to become human again. Heck, I'll take six months. But since the US is terrible about family policy, I got three months off without pay. Awriiiiiight.

TL;DR: My baby can eat rice and Cheerios with his chubby digits and also my husband and I need sleep. 

This post brought to you by grilled foods! 

Recipe: Easy White Bean Dip

Just add these five ingredients into the machine and presto!

My sister-in-law taught me this recipe. It goes great with pita chips or veggies.

Prep time: 5 minutes
Makes: 20+ oz.

Ingredients: White kidney beans, garlic, olive oil, salt, pepper

Instructions:

1. Drain and wash the beans.
2. Peel the garlic (amount is up to you...I used 5 cloves for 19 oz. of beans) and toss into the food processor.
3. Add 2 tablespoons of olive oil.
4. Add beans.
5. Add salt and pepper to taste.
6. Blend!

Such easy!

This post brought to you by my constant, gnawing hunger.

Instant Lunch, with Pictures!

Hello, internet friend. Today's post will hopefully inspire you to consider me for the Lazy Genius Award 2013. I need another trophy, you see, for my self-esteem. Not that I have any trophies whatsoever, come to think about it. Which means...I already won the Lazy Genius Award? YES!!!!

The insta-recipe below provides 148% of your mandatory Vitamin A, 60% of your required fiber intake, 20% of the calcium you ought to have in a day, a whole bunch of protein and potassium, some sodium, and, yes, more molybdenum than you strictly need, but your body knows what to do with it, so just eat!

Today's Instant Lunch: Black Bean Taco Salad
(A lazier version of the Vegetarian Nacho Salad)

Step 1: Place chips in bowl (Garden of Eatin' corn tortilla chips, pictured).
Step 2: Chop up preferred greens (romaine lettuce, pictured) and pile on top of chips.

Step 3: Heat up bottled salsa on stovetop. Add chopped fresh tomatoes and one Thai chili, preferably the smallest one on earth. Pour on top of chips and greens.

Step 4: Add shredded cheese on top! Lactose intolerants may have cheddar.

Be sure to scarf all this down as soon as possible, because the chips might get soggy. As a precaution against such an unmitigated disaster, keep a half-full package of chips nearby. The atoms of the dry chips have yet to be diffused into the collection of atoms in the salad, and therefore may be used to scoop up the contents of your lunch bowl.

Or, if you're really classy, use a spoon to eat the salad.

This post is dedicated to Ate Au, who is such a chip fiend that she keeps a stash inside her bedside drawer! How do I know this? Because all your chips are belong to me!!!

In closing, I would like to share my father's reaction to my original post about making this type of veggie taco salad:

"You cook?"

And a Happy Father's Day to you, sir.

Merry!

In true holiday tradition, I have been overeating and drinking. Ho! Ho! Ho!

It started out with the Boston Pops Christmas concert, a Fiance family tradition. As always, the orchestra performed wonderfully. Santa made an appearance to request "The Twelve Days of Christmas," and he was, naturally, immediately tailed by hopeful children. Meanwhile, we downed white wine and snacked on chips and shrimp. Then we went to Capital Grille to have a proper dinner. Fiance had the largest bowl of French onion soup ever -- it was practically a trough. I had oysters to start. Most everyone had steak, but I opted for shrimp stuffed with crab and lobster. There were five pieces but I could only make it through four because of too much pre-eating. So...worth...it...

The next day, we went to the 'burbs for a Yankee swap with the man's extended family. There were meatballs, cream cheese and jam and crackers, turkey, ham, fruits, and several battalions of dessert, all intent on fattening me up. One dish stood out. Here is a photo of Fiance holding forth while an edible Christmas tree made of broccoli, bell peppers, and cherry tomatoes cries out to be eaten:

The following day, Mama stepped off the Acela Express and instructed us to take her to an eat-all-you-can, stat. We spent almost two hours at Maki Maki, a new Japanese buffet. Mama spotted the oysters and that was the end -- she took an entire plateful. She grudgingly allowed me one oyster, the Christmas Eve spirit being truly miraculous. Later, Fiance tried his luck at oysters, but someone had taken a whole lot, and there were none left. I got up to refill my plate no less than five times. Then I realized there was chocolate fondue, and no sooner had I lovingly dipped in my pineapple on a stick than my mother charged up next to me. "Where are the marshmallows?" she demanded. She grabbed two. Then she spent another minute cackling with delight as she poked the marshmallows through the flow of chocolate. She compared the parting of the chocolate to... let's just say she compared it to something biblical. That has nothing to do with Moses.

Now we are off for more food at the future in-laws' place. Food! Food! It will no doubt cure the cold I developed last night. I already feel better thinking about it.

MERRY!*

*Greeting taken from adorable sign sent by future MIL -- knowing us to be godless, she sent the "Merry" and omitted the "Christmas." 

Vegetarian Nacho Salad

In honor of Reverend Cowherd, founder of the UK's first vegetarian church, I present this delicious and easy meat-free recipe.

FRAGRANT ELEPHANT'S VEGETARIAN NACHO SALAD
Serves Two!*

Ingredients:

• Black beans (8 oz.)
• Green leaf lettuce
• 1/2 cup salsa
• 1/4 of an onion and 1 tomato (chopped)
• Grated cheese (optional)
• Tostitos Blue Corn Chips

Instructions:

1. Cook the black beans. Once cooked, drain.
2. Put the beans back in the pan. Mix in the salsa, onion, and tomato.
3. Shred the green leaf lettuce.
4. Put the chips in a wide, shallow bowl. 
5. Add the lettuce on top.
6. Then add the bean mix.
7. If you want, add grated cheese.
8. Bask in the praise from your impressed victim fellow diner.

This meal has protein via beans, plus other nutrients from the lettuce and tomato. The raw onion adds bite. The cheese has calcium. Meanwhile, the chips save it from being completely healthy. Can't have too much of a good thing!

"I could eat this every day!"
-Fiancé 

*Bonus: Contains one serving of moral superiority for having a smaller ecological footprint than a beef dish!

Time Difference

Thanks to quickmeme.com!

Welcome, reader, to Sweeping Generalizations Monday!

The topic for today is CPT, or Caucasian People Time. This phenomenon differs from the original CPT, Colored People Time. For purposes of our sweeping generalization, we will label the latter CPT1 and the former CPT2. You'll pick up which is which from context.

CPT1 holds that your physical presence at an event can only occur at least 30 minutes past the time you were supposed to be there, or preferably 45 minutes to an hour. In other words, you're supposed to be always late. By contrast, CPT2 requires a commitment to reaching the party destination as close to the appointed time as possible, with cheese and crackers in tow. In other words, come on time, but bring food to tide you over.

In the CPT1 timeline, if you're invited to any sort of gathering involving food, the food will be there at the appointed time. Whether it's a full, catered buffet or a more modest, homemade spread of children's spaghetti, roasted pig, fried noodles, spring rolls, barbecue pork, and spicy pork--if the invite said 6 pm, the entire array of dishes shall be waiting for you as you casually saunter in at 7 pm.

If you bring food, the host/hostess shall be insulted! How dare you impugn their honor by suggesting that they will somehow fail to stuff you full of food and send you on your way? Unthinkable!

In the CPT2 case, a barbecue that "starts at one" will see you receiving your burger at three, if you're lucky. You're supposed to fill up on chips and dip in the meantime. You chat to catch up while the host serves drinks and more dip. Then, at a mysterious time, such as when invited Filipinos start becoming grouchy due to not having actual food yet, the host starts the grill.

If you did not bring food or drinks or a few jokes, how dare you be a freeloader! This gathering is meant to be a social occasion, and everyone must pitch in!

Clearly, the main issue here is food. The meal is the star of the show under CPT1. Meanwhile, socializing is why everyone has come together in CPT2. The food is a bonus.

As a brave young woman straddling these two phenomena, my survival depends on my ability to adapt. Since I now operate mostly under CPT2, I should always have a snack in my bag when I'm invited to dinner or lunch. Or better yet, I should have a full meal beforehand, since my metabolism will have burned through it by the time the event food is served.

However, I find that the best solution is actually beer. It's like having bread! Just give me a bottle or two, and watch my waiting-for-food-stress disappear under the influence! I may even crack a joke, like this one:

What's a government mandate?
It's when Obama and Biden go out to dinner together!

Ahahahaha!!! I kill me.

In conclusion: it's Monday and I'm not even awake yet.

How to Lose or Gain Weight

My body has undergone various changes due to my lifelong love affair with food. In Manila, my diet consisted of rice, pork, and the occasional vegetable dish smothered in bagoong (shrimp paste). Owing to her love of crab, Fragrant Mother implemented Seafood Sundays to balance out the red meats.

After high school, I went to Canada and discovered chocolate bars and bagged milk in dispensers. I exploded into a 5'3 brown Pikachu. The kindest comment I received after returning home came from a former teacher: "My, you look...healthy!" My old choir mistress goggled at me and said, "Is this what you've become?" My family, of course, went straight for the jugular: "You're fat!"

In Middlebury College, there were Napoleons, make-your-own-waffles, burgers, pizza, and all the other stuff I piled on my tray as I walked briskly past the salad bar. I also spent a year in Japan and ate pretty much just rice and fish. Then graduate school happened, and I joined the ranks of the depressed and lost 10 lbs. in one week. But! I got help, graduated, and became a Member of Society.

Now I'm a gym rat, with a tailored fitness regimen and everything. But before that, I lived the life of the bachelorette, and ate whatever I wanted because caring was for noobs.

What I'm trying to say is, I know the best stuff to eat and drink if you want to gain or lose weight, all from that indisputable source of wisdom: personal experience! I've had so many relationships with so many foods that it would be selfish not share. Here, I offer you a sample of the diet plans I would craft just for you, should you be foolish desperate smart enough to ask my advice.

The More-to-Love Diet
If you're a beanpole and you want your partner/random strangers to have more of you to love, simply eat these food items every day:

That's right -- at least once per day, eat bacon, mozzarella, and top it off with a generous slice of pastry. I guarantee you will see results within a couple of weeks. I certainly did. Bonus points if you have an avocado shake after every lunch, too.

Pro of this diet: It really, really works!
Con of this diet: Likely early death due to health complications.

The Scary-Skinny Diet
This diet is designed to scare the living daylights out of your own mother. Eat nothing for a week. If you feel hungry, drink red wine.When your face shrinks to the same size as when you were a child, it's time to get professional help. This diet is described for warning purposes only; I don't recommend it. At all.

Pro of this diet: Tested and verified by yours truly!
Con of this diet: It means you're crazy.

The Sensible Diet
Apparently, getting the body you want is 80% diet, 20% exercise. After working out for a couple of months,  I think the ratio is more 70-30 for me. But I do eat really healthy these days. I only ever have two drinks (unless it's Debate Night!), eat broccoli or spinach or other leafy greens every day, substitute beef with tofu and beans, and I make a mean blueberry-banana breakfast shake with non-fat plain yogurt and lactose-free milk.

The result:

I know it's a crappy, grainy shot, but there are abs in there, I swear. This is all the more gratifying because my body fat, according to calipers, was 30% as of two months ago. I bet I'm like, 28% by now! Woooooooo!!!

FYI, my fitness goal is to build lean muscle, increase core strength, and improve posture. So I lift weights--10 lbs for triceps, 45 lbs for row pull, 65 lbs for leg extensions, 8 lbs for when you're kind of doing a plank and yanking weights up to chest level, and 5 lbs for when you bend at the waist but keep your back straight and flap your arms like the slowest butterfly on earth. I also do Bosu push-ups and a couple other things with an exercise ball that centers around my not toppling over onto the floor, by using my core muscles.

In conclusion:

1. Eat foods like cured meat, cheeses high in saturated fat, and pastries if you want to gain weight.
2. Eat white meat, beans, nuts, leafy greens, and fruits if you want to be healthy.
3. Exercise, for God's sake.
4. Drink as much as you want! MWAHAHAHAHA

That is all.

Tomato Soup Recipe (with Tofu!)

Photo source: marthastewart.com

This protein- and vitamin-packed soup comes from the Nasoya recipe. I chopped the celery; Fiancé did everything else. Partnerships are terrific.

Ingredients:
1 pkg Nasoya Silken tofu (soft works, too, but silken is ideal)
2 cups fresh or canned tomatoes (chopped)
1/2 cup celery (chopped)
1/4 cup onion (chopped)
2 tsp paprika
1 tsp basil
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper
2 tbsp oil

Steps: (edited per Fiancé's instructions and under his stern supervision, 10/04/2012)
1. Sautee onion, celery, and spices in oil.
2. Blend the tofu, celery, onion, and spices until reasonably smooth.
3. Simmer the tomatoes while blending.
4. Add blended mixture to the tomatoes.
5. Simmer for 15 minutes.

The soup we got had texture like the image above -- more chunky than smooth. But it tastes amazing. We had it with toast. Try it!

The Digestive System on Lunch

We went to Neptune Oyster for lunch today. I imagine this is how my mom's digestive system went:

~ 0 ~

Stomach
Increase gastric secretion to 40%! The cerebral cortex has been stimulated! By... let's see here... oysters!

Mouth
All exocrine salivary glands activated! Ready... ready... okay, here they come, go go go!

Esophagus
Let me just close the epiglottis over the trachea... Okay, begin peristaltic contractions! Let's get everything down to the tummy!

Stomach
All right, team, let's break down those proteins! Enzymes, are you at optimum conditions? Yes? Excellent! Let's turn those oysters into chyme and move it along!

Small Intestine
Contract! Relax! Contract! Relax! Contract! Relax! Contract! Relax! Contract! Relax!

Large Intestine
FERMENT EVERYTHING! Except the fluids. Reabsorb those.

Stomach
Gastric secretions still at peak levels! Now the cerebral cortex is reacting to lobster caprese salad!

Mouth
Oh, good, keep it all soft! Let's flood it with saliva and wash it down!

Esophagus
Epiglottis closed! Peristaltic contractions continuing!

Stomach
All right, team, you know the drill! It's going to be like this for the next hour! Break it all down! Gastrin, Secretin, CCK, GIP, Motilin, we're countin' on you!

Small Intestine
Contract! Relax! Contract! Relax! Contract! Relax! Contract! Relax! Contract! Relax!

Large Intestine
Ferment, ferment, reabsorb, reabsorb...

Stomach
The hypothalamus and medulla oblongata report a lobster roll on the way! Let's go, acids!

Mouth
OOOHHHHH HOT BUTTERED ROLLS AND FRENCH FRIES OM NOM NOM NOM

Esophagus
Oh god, when will it stop?

Stomach
Yes we can! Yes we can! This is the entree! This is our moment!

Small Intestine
Contract! Relax! Contract! Relax! Contract! Relax! Contract! Relax! Contract! Relax!

Large Intestine
Storing feces.

Stomach
Whew! All done! Great work, everyone! ...Oh, uh, we're getting cupcakes, all units stand by... Oh, false alarm, it's for later. Whew! ...Wait, wait, we might have to deal with a giant mango... Wait for it, wait for it... Nope, not right now. Later. Later! Great job, team! Let's take a nice break, eh? ...Oh, wait, okay, just small, tiny amounts of mango and cupcake. We can do this, team!

Entire Digestive System
(groan)

~ 0 ~

Thanks to Wikipedia's Digestion entry!

Anticuchos, etcétera

Last night, Little Brother and I went to a Peruvian restaurant -- Machu Picchu -- in Somerville's Union Square, home of Korean mom grocery stores. What fun!

Never have I ever encountered such a baffling menu, such a lack of reverence towards pork, which until now I thought was a staple of all Spanish and Spanish-colonized diets. (And let's not forget the Chinese and their pork buns!) For example, a typical Pinoy dish is lechon kawali, aka pan-roasted pork:

The perfect blend of flavor and heart attack!

By contrast, Machu Picchu offered beef, chicken, fish, and all the corn and rice you can stuff in your face.

We started off with a little bowl of round crunchy things that reminded me of giant mutant raw popcorn kernels. Don't let that description discourage you from this pre-appetizer! It was yummy. It came with two sauces: one super spicy, and the other creamy and green, color origin unknown. Little Brother, being the type who polishes off everything placed in front of him, slurped up all the sauce, which turned out to be our flavorings for the coming foods, if we'd wanted, whoops.

anticuchos

Out came the actual app, which was anticuchos, aka marinated beef strips with a fat potato slice and some corn. Enough beef for a meal as an appetizer? I had no idea the Peruvians were my food soul mates.

lomo saltado

My main course was the lomo saltado, aka more beef but this time sirloin strips with onions, tomatoes, and french fries in awesome marinade, with rice. It was delicious. See, the secret is the sauce. It was flavorful without being obnoxious. It was bold without being presumptuous. It was amazing without being annoying. It was like a Latin lover without the loud shirt, overpowering perfume, and flamboyant hand gestures. I could go on, but I know you know what I'm talking about.

As all this food appreciation was going on, I was sipping some truly fine beer: Cusqueña, aka the Gold of the Incas, that's not cheesy at all. But that's what their website says (the beer, not the Incas).

We finished up with some budin (bread pudding), which was decent but refrigerated for a bit too long. I thoroughly enjoyed the experience and was filled with secret pride at Little Brother's fluency in Spanish. Ladies: he's single! gwehehehehe

I shall spare you the sordid details of what the weighing scale told me this morning. It wasn't pretty. When is science going to get me a get-thin-instantly pill that works without destroying my liver? Huh? Huh? Am I asking for too much? 

"Let's have more calories, sweetheart"

Hamersley's Bistro

presents

Foods of Luuurve

================== First Course ==================

Seared foie gras on toasted brioche with apricot

Avocado, grapefruit, and crab parfait 

================== Second Course ================== 

Roasted Jerusalem artichoke veloute with

watercress coulis and black truffle cream

Endive, fennel, and mushroom salad with

creamy gorgonzola dressing

================== Third Course ================== 

Pan-roasted lobster "thermidor" with mussels,

clams, and scallops ... sherry cream

Roasted quail stuffed with wild rice and parsnips,

caramelized apples, thyme, and sherry aigre-doux

==================== Dessert ====================

Cupid's Sweet Inspirations

In case it wasn't blindingly obvious: the way to my heart is through my stomach.

Xīnnián kuàilè! Happy New Year!

Legend has it that the Moon Rabbit fell in love with a princess of the Kingdom of Woo, and it descended from the sky to, appropriately enough, woo her. The Moon Rabbit lavished upon his love many gifts, including a jade cut into the shape of a paperweight, a sapphire fashioned like a comb, and a bathrobe with inlaid diamond snowflakes. The princess cast her eyes demurely upon these gifts and protested that the Moon Rabbit did her too much honor, whereupon they totally got it on, please don't ask me how. When the time came for the Moon Rabbit and his princess to return to the moon, their children -- again, don't ask me how -- vowed to celebrate their parents' love every spring with a festival. And that, dear readers, is about as far from the true origins of Chinese New Year as I could manage. You're welcome.

Back in the real world, Boston is below freezing, driving above 40 mph is dangerous, and the howling winds of death come from every direction.

Eeeek.

But I had been invited to go to a Chinese New Year celebration, and contacted Boyfriend as soon as I heard "potluck" mentioned. He, obliging gentleman that he is, instantly set to work with some garlic, chili paste, soy sauce, fresh ginger, and pork loin.

Leave in slow cooker for 10 hours.

At the party, there were so many people that it was a fire hazard, and everybody brought food, which is a health hazard, unless high blood pressure is suddenly a good thing now. We stuffed ourselves with (deep breath): pork loin lettuce wraps, homemade kimchi, homemade bread, scallion pancakes, beef with green peppers, fried rice, noodles, cranberry cake, pecan pie, grapes, strawberries, and, because I never learn, brie. Needless to say, my lactose intolerant self was like a ninja fart machine several hours later at the Boston Symphony Orchestra. I'm just classy that way.

The scallion pancakes were prepared as I watched, and the kitchen was like a factory. A group had been assigned moon cake creation, and one mixed the dough, another rolled one layer, yet another made one more layer, and the last person stuffed the pork into the dough and formed it into a bun. Said buns were then baked in a little oven. When asked what traditional recipe this moon cake came from, our hostess replied, "YouTube dot com." Obviously.

Scallion pancakes: it takes at least five before the heart attack.

No celebration is complete without one animal (that is not being consumed, of course) and perhaps a child. The little girl pictured below was enamored of Henry the Boston Terrier, seen here with his winter hoodie:

No dogs or children were harmed during this photograph.

People asked me if we celebrated Chinese New Year in the Philippines, and I said, I'm sure the Chinese do, only to find out this morning via Skype that the entire country apparently takes a day off to celebrate the joyful love between the Moon Rabbit and the Princess of Woo. Book my flight home, please. I hear a lechon calling my name...

新年快乐! Happy New Year!

Bring It, Cheesecake

I beheld my moon-shaped face this morning and knew that last night's fried apple cheesecake was laughing at me. The perfect roundness of my cheeks told a dark story of defeat, of a bitter battle waged and lost. My close resemblance to a dumpling was proof of the saying: "In old country, cheesecake consumes you."

The FAC (fried apple cheesecake) came courtesy of The Tavern in Central Square, where I dragged Boyfriend to because I felt entitled to comfort food after being unable to eat most of the day due to my body's vigorous attempts to expel phlegm via unstoppable coughing fits at work. My, that last sentence was so long it deserves to be written in Spanish. Pero no hablo español, so sad.

Moving on, prior to FAC, I'd had my beer of choice, a black & tan, and half of a grilled filet sandwich (thanks to McDonald's, I always thought filet was a type of fish). I also finished a side salad in between stealing chunks of Boyfriend's mashed potatoes. The greens made me think I was being good, and because balance is so important in life, I just had to have something to counteract all those nutrients. Enter the fried apple cheesecake.

Not only was it made of cream cheese and then deep fried, it also came with two enormous scoops of vanilla ice cream topped off with syrup. I mean, come on. Obviously, deep frying a cheesecake is never enough. Your arteries won't block themselves, you know.

I was fine after polishing off my half of the horribly awesome dessert, but Boyfriend complained of a tummy ache afterwards, as we watched 1995's action film Assassins starring a sinfully sexy and young Antonio Banderas on crack. Sly Stallone and Julianne Moore may have been there, too. The point is, we were miserable -- he holding his stomach in pain, me hacking up my lungs (ice cream = dairy = thicker mucus). Only Sheba was happy, shuttling back and forth between laps as the fancy took her, and sometimes squishing herself between us, just to mix it up.

It is now the next day and I am burping up a storm. Apparently, like my emotional development, my reaction to cheesecake is delayed. Oh my. Aren't my coworkers lucky!

Noodles for the Winter

In the days of long ago, in uncharted regions of the universe, lived a legend...the legend of Noodletron, Defender of the Hungryverse! (cue Voltron theme)

"Finishing move: LASER NOODLES!"

Hur hur hur. Speaking of lulz, my girl Shanana once laughed at me when I declared, "I need noodles for the winter!" I was mildly puzzled at her amusement, because I was being serious. In Japan, noodle stands dot the streets and a giant bowl costs ¥500 ($5). The first time I tried it I noted that the bowl was bigger than my head, so I thought I couldn't finish my ramen, but I ended up slurping all the noodles down like Jabba the Hutt consuming something small and squeaky with a tail. They were delicious, filling, and the best thing to eat during Japan's relatively mild winter. Thus, the concept of Noodles for the Winter was born.

Porter Square Exchange has a few noodle stands, and I attest their authenticity because the stalls are run by actual Japanese people. There's also a tiny shop in the Back Bay, between Newbury and Boylston Streets, where the cooks and servers speak in a dialect I don't recognize and their drinks come in styrofoam cups, which is B-A-D, but they also have takoyaki, also known as Samurai Balls in the Philippines, because ha ha ha, I'm eating samurai balls, yummy!

My cupboards used to be stocked with udon and instant ramen, but alas, all supplies must be depleted at some point. So this weekend I went to Reliable Market, the grocery of choice for South Korean moms! Like all Korean groceries, Reliable Market also offers a large selection of Japanese essentials, like various soup bases, frozen korokke (now I need a deep fryer), sushi-grade fresh fish, etc. The freakishly mild season had passed in Boston, and the winter temperatures were coming. My goal was to buy my winter survival noodles.

The dry goods kit: instant miso soup (seaweed flavor),
instant ramen, and dried mushrooms.

Mindful of Boyfriend's warning that instant ramen is "a sodium heart attack," I checked the package labels for the first time in my eventful life of eating the stuff. HOLY COW! One pack gives me 67% of my daily recommended dose of sodium!!! That's like 1500 mg!!! 

...So I bought a five-pack. Why? Because my body needs sodium to help me contract my muscles, transmit signals to my nerves, maintain my pH balance, hydrate, regulate fluids outside my cells, and pump fluid into my cells when potassium (hello, bananas!) carries by-products out. Most importantly, sodium makes noodles delicious, and noodles are good for the soul. 

The perishables kit: silky tofu, seaweed salad, natto, and fried tofu.
Optional: cold green tea and makoli (Korean rice wine) -- pictured
at the opposite ends of this photograph.

 

Like the ninjas before me, I am now prepared to endure the freezing cold winds of the New England winter. I adhere to the ninja code of honor in battle: if forced to fight, run away disappear into the night. I shall bow to Mama Nature's superiority and hibernate in my cave this winter. With my noodles.

Dietary Moments of Note

This post is dedicated to Ms. B.B.S., of New York, since I ripped the title from a gmail chat with her.

Yesterday my stomach acids led a revolution against me. The sneaky buggers enlisted the aid of my proteases, and together they scooped up some hapless chyme and went on a roaring rampage back up into my esophagus, screaming, "Freeedooooom!!!" and making me go pale and clammy during a closed-door conference call in my boss' office. Desperate for a displacement activity, I drew this little gem in my notepad:

This means:  In the past 14 hours, I consumed four glasses of red wine, three baked giant pork ribs, a deep-fried chicken drumstick, a deep-fried mystery item, and lots of leafy greens. Then I had two full glasses of water.  The next day, I had my usual breakfast (cereal with blueberries and almonds, French press coffee, and a glass of water), and my usual snack (banana and tea). Then I barfed.

After I was released back into the wild (cubicle), I called my mommy to ask her what to eat, since I felt like barfing, but needed something to not pass out. She told me I could have bland food, like crackers. I schlepped to the vending machine downstairs and bought what must be the tiniest bag of Wheat Thins in the known universe. The Wheat Thins were delicious and salty. They were my only meal of the day, until I got back home and polished off a whole thing of sinigang, or at least what my brother hadn't demolished by then.

Which brings us to today. My ambitious plan of creating soft tacos in the office didn't quite pan out as I intended in the deliciousness factor, because the soft taco shells were too floury. Nice try, Whole Foods. But no. And after lunch, I had the delightful task of analyzing potential client profiles, and I looked up a whole bunch of terms that I didn't know, like serum lipase and valproic acid and excoriation. The mind boggles. My favorite so far is ileostomy, and I should've known not to look it up while snacking because ick ick ick. In hindsight, the words leading up to it ("bag must be emptied," "bowel accidents," etc) should have been red flags, but if my mom...can...deal with it! So...can...I!! This...is...healthcare!!!!

"Take their temperatures, men!"

The SpartaCare health plan features incredibly dedicated Direct Service Providers.

I sure hope that thermometer goes under an armpit or the tongue.

Well, I saved one last taco for a snack. I hope it stays down.

And so the eating saga continues...

The Kindness of Strangers

September started off with a lot of kindness from strangers, and I'm hoping the trend will last, let's say for the rest of my life. First, a sweet old man at the gate of the Morris Arboretum made us feel very welcome, explained how to get to the parking lot and what to do after we parked, and thanked us for coming. At the guest house, a nice lady gave us a map and pointed out the main points of attraction, and more importantly, the restroom locations. As we wandered around, I casually mentioned to Mama that we were pretty close to Minado, a fantastic Japanese buffet about an hour away from NE Philly. Mama instantly decided we should go, and that we could definitely beat the 2:30 pm lunch closing time, and then she stopped at every. Single. Tree. On the way to the parking lot. You know how many trees there are in an arboretum? A LOT.

We finally tore out of there and I drove maniacally as politely as possible. We triumphantly barreled through the doors, only to be stopped short by the seater who explained that they were removing all the food in eight minutes and we wouldn't have time to go for seconds. I was pissed and had my face of death on, because I hate wasting effort. Mama just kept smiling benignly at the seater until he finally said, "Okay, if you decide to go, I'll only charge you for one." Imagine the Road Runner -- that was us running to our seats. So I plunked my bag down and gathered whatever grub was still left that I could conceivably digest, and was happily masticating when Mama returned with a HEAP O' FOOD. Turns out that she thought "charge for one" meant that only one of us could have a plate, and she'd collected enough to feed me, too -- if I were two teenage boys. Holy cow, that was a lot of food. But heck, half of it was free so we ate almost all of it! And I must say, Mama did an excellent job of hiding her unfinished remains.

We zoomed back to the Arboretum to finish our sightseeing (we'd only done half an hour and had about 90 more acres to go), and the old man remembered us and let us go through, with a warning that they would close at 4 pm (it was 3:30 then). Off we went, making sure to stick near the cover of trees so no staff member would spot us and kick us out until we went through the entire place. It helped that Mama wore green and kept hugging trees. I mean that literally. And sure enough, around 4:30, a golf cart stopped next to us, and a nice man explained that they'd closed half an hour before and we should probably start heading back. We were near the parking lot by then, anyway.

So all in all, we got everything we wanted: great sights, great food, and absolutely everyone we interacted with was nice, which in my experience is unusual. I'm not complaining. I want more of it. Life, please continue to be kind. I sure need it.