Office Monkey

HAPPY FRIDAY!

Slightly related: I hope I'm not wrong about my company having Casual Fridays. Otherwise... I'll have to describe my outfit as Executive Cowgirl.

I came in this morning to ghost cubicle land. The lights were off, the blinds on my sun roof were shut, and no one was in sight. Obviously, this was the perfect opportunity for me to release the office monkey / professional acrobat that stirs in my soul. Yesterday I discovered the long, thin tool that would attach to the stub on the overhead blinds, so I could turn the sucker and open the blinds. Armed with that, I grabbed a stepladder from the supply room, propped it against the side of my cubicle, and discovered to my chagrin that the opener thingie attached to the blinds was missing a little metal hook. I climbed back down and affixed a paper clip to the end of my tool. No go.

I did what any hero would do: I risked life and limb to get the job done. I clambered onto the narrow top of the cubicle, wobbled into a standing position, and manually opened the damn blinds. Now I have sweet, sweet sunlight pouring in.

Just look at that beautiful blue sky.

Kids, don't try this at home. Or in the office, for that matter. If you do, make sure absolutely no one else is around to tell you you're a moron, or help you if you come crashing down. Remember: Dignity Before Safety!*

Also slightly unrelated: I learned a new word yesterday: recidivism. It means a relapse. Today's new vocab word is oneiric, which means dream-like. It's so mysterious that Google spell check has the red underline of doom under it.

*technically, Dignity comes before Safety in the dictionary. 

A Girl Moment

My girl moment occurred early yesterday, when I excitedly texted Boyfriend that we had officially been going out for six months. His response was witty and noncommittal. I suggested we go to dinner. Again, he responded in a very blasé manner. I was devastated. I stomped off to work, fuming at the insensitivity of the male of the species. How could he not know that this was important?

(I assure you, dear reader, six months is important. Why, entire lifetimes of countless insects have gone by in that time!)

I encountered my buddy on gchat and together we decided that I was overreacting. I made reservations at Oleana, left early to vote (rah rah Cambridge City Council rah rah), and called Boyfriend afterwards to remind him to come over soon. "I'm on my way to your place right now," he said, sounding slightly out of breath. I figured he was climbing stairs. A few minutes later, I discovered my door unlocked, and walked in expecting to see my brother, who occasionally stops by to say hi to Sheba and/or to raid my cupboard. But it was Boyfriend!!!! He was going to surprise me with roses. But my ninja skills barely gave him enough time to get into my apartment. My kitty burglar alarm was too sleepy to meow insistently at him, which would have given away his true location instantly.

Tee-hee-hee

Conclusion: Oleana is delicious. Also, men? Will surprise you.

Well, Gee!

The Good News: A group of my coworkers from this floor trooped past me and motioned with their mugs that it was tea time. They invited me along, too! I am now one of the cool kids!

The Bad News: The coffee from Mr. Handsome Silvercakes is crap. My French pressed Whole Foods blend is far superior (nose in air). Fortunately, the green tea is passable.

The Sad News: No admin privileges on my work machine, and I am far too ladylike to haxx0r it so I can use executable files and watch streaming videos. Also, I don't know how to haxx0r this. Yet.

The Awesome News: I'm still here! Ahhh, it's like a dream... (happy dance)

I'm. So. Happy.

Checklist for first day at new job:

Show up on time. = YES
Come in with fly unzipped. = YES
Wear giant obnoxious grin. = YES
Meet new people. Forget their names. = YES
Obsessively organize new workspace. = YES
Space out as people tell you important stuff. = YES
Have serious email and phone problems. = YES
Get assigned a project due next day. = YES
Receive materials from HR. Forget to take home. = YES
Thank God for new job. = YES¹⁰⁰⁰

On this day, the First Day of New Job, I woke up at my usual time, did my stretches while Sheba meowed piteously for affection, and scooted over to Red Line it to my new home away from home. As expected, I have a cubicle, right outside my new boss' office. I barely had time to take a breath before I was taken around to meet a bunch of people on floors 1, 5, and 6, got shut in an office for a conference call, and had to deal with the phone and the email server deciding they hate me. In the middle of it all, I got a pile of reading material for a proposal ("Due tomorrow at noon," I'm told, at 4 pm), and finally the nice HR person traded my completed personnel forms for informational stuff about the company and my benefits. Which I left on my desk during a space cadet moment, because I was thinking about food. Specifically, KFC.

"Oh, crap" moment: As I was shaking hands, people were like, "Oh, I read your bio!" Turns out my new boss has been talking me up, and my bio had my nerd credentials. Apparently everyone thinks I will be a wunderkind writer for the company. I was c*ck-blocked from coasting by on low expectations! Dagnabbit!

"I heart you, boss" moment: I'm invited to a leadership seminar at the Liberty Hotel! Not because I'm management, but because my boss thinks it'll help me do my job. And I get to go into the field to get exposure! (happy hop)

"Hallelujah" moment: Just look at the beauty below.

"Eat your heart out, Keurig."

Are you counting this? No less than 27 varieties of coffee and tea. For free. I am now retiring my French press during the weekdays, because why spend my time and money on coffee when Mr. Handsome Silvercakes (I have named the machine thus) can satisfy all my caffeine needs?

The office kitchen is a beauty. Several cute little round tables and chairs, two microwaves, two toaster ovens, a toaster, a GIANT fridge, and two vending machines. Woo hoo!!! And their water coolers are connected directly to the pipes, meaning no having to upturn 5-gallon bottles and causing floods.

...I mean, obviously the kitchen is the most important space in any office. Apart from the bathroom. Have I told you that the ladies' rooms on my floors have ENORMOUS full-length mirrors (around 7 feet high and 6 feet wide)?

(intense happy dance)

I'M SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Girl vs Nature

It's like something out of Jurassic Park, innit?

This morning I had some time to kill, so I decided to attack the mold growing on the brim and bottom of the clay pot on my kumquat. I figured it probably wasn't healthy for my cat, whose food bowl is right beside the plant. Aren't I the kindest mommy? ("Maybe you should put the food bowl somewhere else," you say, reasonably. "Shut up," I reply.)

The Google led me to various forums where helpless ordinary folk like myself submitted themselves to their more knowledgeable peers. Now, the point of reading these forums is to find something that resonates with your soul. So when my eyes found the word, "vinegar," I knew this was it. Vinegar is like nature's elixir--you can cook with it, dip food in it, and clean stuff with it! One day I shall invent a recipe for vinegar and banana cake. Don't lie; I know the idea intrigues you.

I poured my tiny remaining amount of Datu Puti* vinegar (note to self: buy new bottle in Chinatown) into a spray bottle, diluted it a bit with water, armed myself with a tiny used toothbrush and a roll of paper towels, put on my pink rubber gloves, and got to work. First I tipped the 40-lb plant to get rid of all the water at its base. Then I went to town on the pot. Spray, scrub scrub scrub, wipe wipe wipe. All this took about 15 minutes, and yes I was late for work as usual, who cares? IT'S MY LAST DAY.

Sheba watched me sleepily from the bed as I saved her life from mold. That's gratitude for you.

*Datu Puti: a tribal leader from Borneo who came before the Spanish colonization. Now a brand of vinegar. Lucky man.

Me: Computer Mini-Genius

Attention, attention: I HAXX0RED A POWERBOOK G4!!! I is smart!!!

"I was haxx0red and I liked it."

Yes, this is a saga of much irony. You see, a few months ago, I waged battle against our Account Manager for ownership of an abandoned office PowerBook G4. My intentions were noble: I wanted to stick a webcam on it, install Skype, and give it to my mom on her birthday. Hers were dark indeed: she wanted it for her husband. What! you gasp, surely you of the pure heart won this battle! ...Alas, no. I conceded my defeat gracefully, and forgot all about the device.

But Life amuses itself by various means. Today, she (our Account Manager, not Life) came in and asked me to reset the administrator password on the machine. Graciously, I acquiesced and proceeded to haxx0r the living sh*t out of that sucker of a password. And yes, the password clue was a big giant hint, and all I had to do was persist with every single phrase combination I could think of, but the point is I HAXX0RED IT. Like a BOSS. Someone get me a gold medal, I am just that good.

I know my dear readers who are actually IT people are shaking their heads at the pathetic level of my accomplishment, but hey -- baby steps. One day I will haxx0r the world!!!

Faceless Employee: The Fog

Tiny pre-comic ramble:

I have a  vivid memory of my parents oohing and aahing over some drawings I did when I was about four or five. I think the drawings had people in them, and possibly a princess and a castle were involved. My parental units had constructive comments, notably that I did a good job with drawing the people's eyebrows to express anger.

Being praised as a kid does wonders for the ol' self-esteem, dunnit?