This Time It Wasn't Me

This is a Shameless Employee story.

I was innocently waiting for the elevator doors to open. I get distracted by a cookie and a brownie that's for some meeting, and am drawn irresistibly to their sugary gravitational pull. The doors open behind me and an intern hurriedly steps out, but I only catch a glimpse via peripheral vision because my hand is reaching out and hovering--oh, the agony of indecision!--and I snatch the cookie and stuff it in my mouth in one smooth motion. Then I dart into the elevator, congratulating myself on my clean escape.

But fate has other plans. The intern had farted in the damn elevator, right before her speedy getaway. It's the type of fart that says, "I am a fart. I am nitrogen, and carbon dioxide, and methane, and hydrogen, and I am ruler of this confined space." Dammit. Now the next person who comes in here will think I did it. Having a face stuffed full of cookie does not help my case.

Guess who walks in next. THE OFFICE HOTTIE. The tall handsome drink of young man who always smiles at me when we walk past each other. I rush out and don't look back, weeping inside.

Obviously, I must now pay this forward by farting in the elevator and then stepping out nonchalantly. Or maybe this is karma for that time when I did just that, and a bunch of people from HR came in two seconds later?

Whatever. This time, it wasn't me.

Time Suck, Work, Etc

This morning I enjoyed a trifecta of articles that piqued my monkey brain. Incidentally, I thought “trifecta” meant “trio,” but in fact its primary meaning has to do with horse racing.

Anyway. The first piece, from Harvard Business Review (HBR), has a title that sums up my life philosophy: The Unimportance of Practically Everything. The operative word here is “practically,” as in, “I practically peed in my pants when I saw Jennifer Garner three feet behind me in the GAP dressing room area.” Note: not the same as “literally” or “virtually.” In other words, my underwear remained safe, and yes, I did see her. She’s very, very pretty.

Anyway, part II. HBR suggests that most things—emails, online articles (oh, the irony!), etc—are more numerous than the truly vital stuff, e.g. money, cats, and video games. We need to shut out most of the noisy information pouring into our brains. That dovetailed nicely with How to be Happy at Work by Inc., which informed me that about 20% of what I do in the office matters. Perfect! I only work about 20% of the time anyway, which means I am 100% productive! Math: it can justify everything.

More importantly, the article told me I am in charge of making myself happy, because I have standards in my head that may or may not be unreasonable. The article suggested that I reflect on what has to happen for me to be (a) happy, and (b) unhappy. I tried out this little exercise and came up with these results:

What has to happen for me to be happy in the office?

• Not get caught reading online articles and then blogging about them. 
• Have a fun conversation about Game of Thrones or any pop culture subject. 
• Have lunch with my posse. 
• Free food!!! 

What has to happen for me to be unhappy in the office?

• Only free food available is pizza. sadface

Apparently, I’m also supposed to create some new rules to make happiness easy to achieve and unhappiness difficult, but that takes effort, so let’s skip that and move on to the pièce de résistance: The Surprising Secret to Time Management, which I honored by not even reading the article. Is it good? You tell me!

Speaking of not knowing if something is good, last night’s MTV Movie Awards had the distinction of flying by while being boring. I died a little inside every time Kristen Stewart went onstage. Fortunately, Elizabeth Banks redeemed the show by rubbing up against three muscular gentlemen. Then Boyfriend finished playing Diablo III with his brother and asked me to switch to the Celtics vs. Heat game, which went into overtime. Spoiler alert: we won!

Confession time: I also don’t know what this blog post was really about.

Join me next time when I unpeel the Onion of Societal Expectations!

Fun with Acronyms

I may not have mentioned that although I despised my old boss and his assistant, I adored my old coworkers. One in particular was almost at my level of Witty and Clever (just a few more years, my child!). There were times when we would exchange droll witticisms for thirty minutes straight, or throughout the day, to distract ourselves from the crushing reality that we worked at BOOBS.

Happily, my fellow denizens in cubicle land show signs of similar awesomeness. And by awesomeness, I mean their cackling appreciation of my random brain farts. They're especially tickled by my dubbing our department, acronym PSG, as the Popular & Sexy Group. (Actual name: Public Strategy Group) Now I'm inspired to come up with pretend names for the other groups, like Gentle Lovers for GL (General Ledger).

Speaking of acronyms, I have a nine-page guide to essential acronyms. Nine. Pages. Of acronyms. Specialized jargon is apparently one of the pillars of this industry. Good thing Mama is a nurse, so some of this stuff sounds halfway familiar, like EKG, ENT, PKU, GERD, and OMG. Just kidding on that last one.

One day I will figure out how to have an entire conversation entirely in acronyms, or failing that, in interwebz speak, which comes pretty close. And when that day comes, the English language shall achieve another glorious pinnacle of evolution. Or the exact opposite. watevs u kno wat i mn?

Someone Please Slap Me

"Happy Monday!" I chirruped on gchat.

"blaaargh mondays are never happy," came the disgruntled reply from CatLadyHijab, not her real name, I just made that up, aren't I clever.

Basically the story this morning is that I came into my cute new sun-drenched office with its adorable dark blue wall and proximity to the kitchen and bathroom, which, of course, is what the ideal office should be, and I. Didn't. Want. To. Leave. "Oh noes!" I thought, "I would be abandoning my colleagues!" Not only that, I would be walking away from a picture-perfect commute -- a 10-minute stroll through pretty neighborhoods -- and a position where everyone up top is so overworked that I get no supervision, and can post random stuff like this!

Someone please slap me.

Fortunately, one of said colleagues walked in to chat, and I immediately 'fessed up to feeling mildly bad about leaving the new office. She gave me a dry look and said, "It's only the place that changed."

Ladies and gentlemen, the truth is like a slap in the face, or in this case, like a gentle tap between the eyes. You see, appearances are deceiving. While it looks like BOOBS is growing because of the current hiring frenzy... oh, hey, I should probably stop before someone evil finds this and sues me for everything in my bank account! You'll never get my money! Because I don't have any! Mwa-ha-haaaaa!!!

I am pleased to say that I'm leaving on a positive note (knock on wood, hope this lasts until Thursday!). My coworkers, having for some reason found out that I love cats because I gush about Sheba every single day, got me cat-themed goodbye stuff -- like this card ("You reign supreme", it says); and a tiny cat calendar! Wouldn't it be awesome if I owned a cat that small? I could put it in my pocket! Oh, wait, those things are called hamsters and they smell bad and they bite. Wow, they're almost like cats! Just add self-centered craftiness.

Brief weekend update: IT SNOWED. Boyfriend and I sloshed through icy water on the streets last Saturday, ugh. I should've worn my winter boots. Sunday was better -- sunny, but damn cold. Now it's not as bad.

Well, back to the grind -- not. Kweheheheheheh!!!!!

Faceless Employee: The Face!

Nikki 1:1, or #blasphemy

In the beginning there was the Egg, and the Egg was with Boss, and the Egg was NOT Boss. She was with Boss in the beginning. Through Boss all funds were raised; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was vision, and that vision was the light of the company. The vision shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

There was a woman found by Boss whose name was [censored]. She came as a top administrator to implement that vision, so that through her all might believe. She herself was not the vision; she came only as an advocate for the vision.

Then the Egg became a chicklet and received an office also. Where before she possessed no ears and no voice, now she was a glorious cross-eyed phoenix stretching its stubby wings to the ceiling.

Now this was chicklet’s testimony to her fellow chicklets after the company executives (mostly from New York) came to tell them that Boss plus Rapture equals new management. Chicklet did not fail to confess, but confessed freely, “OMGWTFBBQ.”

They asked her, “What's going to happen now?”

She said, “IDFK.”

“Are we fired?”

She answered, “No.”

Finally they said, “Should we get drinks? I think everybody needs a drink. What do you say about yourself?”

Chicklet replied in the words of Jerome Morrow from Gattaca, “We have to get drunk immediately."

Now the mid-level managers who had been around for a while questioned her, “Why do you think you can get away with drinking during office hours?”

“I'm drunk right now,” chicklet replied, “and I bet you all are too. I slipped roofies in the orange juice.”

This all happened at [censored] on the other side of [censored], where other things were happening.

Excerpts from the Book of Nikki 1:1-28

Wanted

The Best Organization Of Boston Society (BOOBS) invites applications for a Faceless Employee. This is a full-time position with great benefits that apparently compensate for the hilariously small annual salary. This role is perfect for someone who loves abuse, passive-aggressive managers, career non-development, self-obsessed co-workers, and abuse. This position is based in Boston, unless it becomes convenient to outsource it somewhere else.

Tasks:

- Nod aggressively at everything the CEO says.

- Answer all e-mails as soon as you get them (optional: read and understand original e-mail first).

- Sacrifice social life to complete assignments that will never see the light of day.

- Lie.

- Destroy the dreams of at least 400 youth.

Requirements:

- An advanced degree in either Pure Bullshit or Gratuitous Sucking-up.

- Inability to stand up for self.

- Inability to detect hypocrisy.

*Preference will be given to candidates who are single and resigned to workplace abuse and discriminatory practices.

To apply: Have lunch/coffee with CEO and fawn over all ideas presented. Bonus points for sending a thank-you e-mail with the words "innovative," "visionary," and "distinguished" included.

We look forward to working with you!