The Faceless Employee Upgrade

I am no longer Faceless Employee: an expendable resource, a cog in the machine of a dysfunctional organization. I am now Shameless Employee: the terror of leftover office sandwiches everywhere.

That is all.

A Blast from the Past

Faceless Employee: The Fog

Tiny pre-comic ramble:

I have a  vivid memory of my parents oohing and aahing over some drawings I did when I was about four or five. I think the drawings had people in them, and possibly a princess and a castle were involved. My parental units had constructive comments, notably that I did a good job with drawing the people's eyebrows to express anger.

Being praised as a kid does wonders for the ol' self-esteem, dunnit?

Faceless Employee: The Face!

Happy Friday!

LIFT YOUR GLASSES! THROW ONE BACK! CELEBRATE! IT'S FRIDAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Beer history: On the sixth day in the year 1342 of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, a woman named Sister Commodi Pinkus poured yeast into an old boot filled with grain, shook it, bottled it, slapped a "DO NOT DRINK" label on it, and shipped it to parts unknown. Just kidding.

Glooooom

Rain clouds are buffers against happy time.

There are days when all the optimism and hope and cheerfulness in the world just won't make a dent in the secret, irrational fear in a Faceless Employee's heart. I was supposed to receive something awesome today, but apparently I won't get it until tomorrow. The rational part of me says that of course I'll get it tomorrow, while the fuming part says a lot of bad words, which I'll refrain from posting here. >:-(

I'm going outside to get a banana from the store across the street. Maybe potassium will cheer me up?

Faceless Employee: Under the Bus

The BOOBS diagrams

The Negative

The Positive

Cogs in a F*cked Up Machine

The Job Ad

Note: The first two panels actually happened.

The Job Block

Faceless Employee: The Leak

Nikki 1:1, or #blasphemy

In the beginning there was the Egg, and the Egg was with Boss, and the Egg was NOT Boss. She was with Boss in the beginning. Through Boss all funds were raised; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was vision, and that vision was the light of the company. The vision shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

There was a woman found by Boss whose name was [censored]. She came as a top administrator to implement that vision, so that through her all might believe. She herself was not the vision; she came only as an advocate for the vision.

Then the Egg became a chicklet and received an office also. Where before she possessed no ears and no voice, now she was a glorious cross-eyed phoenix stretching its stubby wings to the ceiling.

Now this was chicklet’s testimony to her fellow chicklets after the company executives (mostly from New York) came to tell them that Boss plus Rapture equals new management. Chicklet did not fail to confess, but confessed freely, “OMGWTFBBQ.”

They asked her, “What's going to happen now?”

She said, “IDFK.”

“Are we fired?”

She answered, “No.”

Finally they said, “Should we get drinks? I think everybody needs a drink. What do you say about yourself?”

Chicklet replied in the words of Jerome Morrow from Gattaca, “We have to get drunk immediately."

Now the mid-level managers who had been around for a while questioned her, “Why do you think you can get away with drinking during office hours?”

“I'm drunk right now,” chicklet replied, “and I bet you all are too. I slipped roofies in the orange juice.”

This all happened at [censored] on the other side of [censored], where other things were happening.

Excerpts from the Book of Nikki 1:1-28

Wanted

The Best Organization Of Boston Society (BOOBS) invites applications for a Faceless Employee. This is a full-time position with great benefits that apparently compensate for the hilariously small annual salary. This role is perfect for someone who loves abuse, passive-aggressive managers, career non-development, self-obsessed co-workers, and abuse. This position is based in Boston, unless it becomes convenient to outsource it somewhere else.

Tasks:

- Nod aggressively at everything the CEO says.

- Answer all e-mails as soon as you get them (optional: read and understand original e-mail first).

- Sacrifice social life to complete assignments that will never see the light of day.

- Lie.

- Destroy the dreams of at least 400 youth.

Requirements:

- An advanced degree in either Pure Bullshit or Gratuitous Sucking-up.

- Inability to stand up for self.

- Inability to detect hypocrisy.

*Preference will be given to candidates who are single and resigned to workplace abuse and discriminatory practices.

To apply: Have lunch/coffee with CEO and fawn over all ideas presented. Bonus points for sending a thank-you e-mail with the words "innovative," "visionary," and "distinguished" included.

We look forward to working with you!

Lessons Learned

How to Survive as a Faceless Employee in Dhaka

1. Smile! Because no matter what happens, somewhere there is delicious food waiting for you.

2. Think happy thoughts. If someone is being extra annoying, mentally transform them into your favorite animal and pet them, unless your favorite animal is a scorpion / jellyfish / puma / etc.

3. Accept the will of God. When things go horribly wrong, remember that Jesus wants it that way.

4. Take deep breaths. *Not recommended outdoors, where the pollution is so bad your boogers become soot.

5. Overeat! Because anything worth doing is worth overdoing!

sigh

As the country recovers from the traumatizing defeat at the hands of the West Indies cricket team last Friday, citizens -- elite and commoners alike -- are in an uproar over Professor Yunus' court case. It was supposed to be decided today, but another petition has been submitted so the order will be passed tomorrow (Monday the 7th). Just type "Yunus" on any search engine to read the latest.

Meanwhile, I finally did what I really came all the way to Bangladesh to do: be Staples. Specifically, the Print & Copy Center of Staples. For you see, I have been promoted from minion to chicklet, meaning I have More Important Things to Do, such as stay up until 12 AM to print stuff and make sure they go in the right packets. (By contrast, minions stay up until 3 AM to print stuff and make sure they go in the right packets; notice the difference?) Then I deliver said packet to the actual Important Person, whom I then accompany to the embassies in case, y'know, someone needs a pen or something (I carry two!!!). Also, I nod and smile at the appropriate moments, which is something chicklets are expected to do very well. Minions are usually never seen or heard, being chained to desks.

The chandelier symbolizes the tears of blood that my heart cried after I discovered I was really a traveling Staples.

Moving on, I learned that it's always great to start the day off horribly, so everything else that happens is cool. Today, for example, the first embassy meeting was at 9, and the car picked me up at 9:04. Brilliant. Then, 20 minutes later, the driver stopped to ask directions because he had no idea where he was going. Well, gosh, neither did I.

It didn't help that I had a cold and I think half my brains dripped out of my nose at around 8:30 am. Also, since complaining is fun -- unless you're listening to someone else and then it's annoying -- let me add that I have woken up with a sore throat two days in a row. Now, this is what I usually look like. My lack of picture-taking skills using the front-facing camera on the iPhone also cleverly conceals the fact that I have gotten chubbier from all the greasy food here, especially since my helper revealed that she can make french fries. Also, ghee. I was at a friend's house staring at what I presumed to be a jar of lard when I was told about this magical dairy product, which Wikipedia says is butter. And yes, the lard was ghee. Everything I eat has ghee in it. EVERYTHING.

I digress. When I'm sick, this is what I look and feel like. It's really not fun being unwell. Thank the Lord every day for your health because health is seriously wealth! Feeling like someone punched you in the throat from inside your throat is not fun. However, I am happy to report that I am feeling better as of right now, because I just came back from shopping, and it's the weekend for Boston so I am being left alone! Ah, bliss!

This blog post makes no sense to me, either. I should go to bed, after eating more french fries.

Venting through comics

Sometimes, humor is the only way to go on.

Banana Productions presents:

"Up Mine"

A Faceless Employee comic