"Come with Me if You Want to Live...On the Edge."

Hello and happy Friday. Let's get down to business.

In the event of a zombie apocalypse or some other civilization-ending catastrophe, you'll want to surround yourself with people who regularly demonstrate competence. Emotional and mental stability would be a happy bonus, but that usually goes out the window once people start losing loved ones. Ideally, you'd find the right individuals to form the traditional five-member team capable of surviving the odds: the leader, the lancer, the big guy, the smart guy, and the chick.

Let's look at the pros and cons of having me in every position.

The Leader
When I feel like it, I can be charismatic, level-headed, and capable of making decisions based on ruthless reason. I am also very nosy, which allows me to understand the strengths and weaknesses of my fellow survivors, meaning I can deploy you to perform the task that probably won't kill you. I can strike heroic poses at the drop of a hat. Finally, I have no problem being bossy.

The Lancer
I could be your second-in-command, if you are somehow  more awesome than me. I will keep the rest of the group in line, hold your secrets close, and I've got your back no matter what. I'm a Leo born in the year of the dog, so you know I'm super loyal. My sarcasm and snark are second to none, making me ideal for this role.

The Big Guy
My sisters call me "Amazona," because I am oddly strong for my size. While working at a non-profit, I often upended five-gallon jugs of water into the office cooler. I go to the gym and lift weights. Give me a baseball bat, shovel, or other object to swing at the hips with, and nothing will stand in our group's way. I get tired easily, though, so you will need to feed me more than the other members of the group.

The Smart Guy
I was summa cum laude at Middlebury and I got my M.A. from The Big H. Those zombies are dead if there's ever a standardized test competition or if we have to be graded on an essay about Japanese war reparations. I mean, the zombies will be more dead.

The Chick
Yes, I am.

Now that I've buttered you up with my superior qualifications, I'd like to insert some caveats in our survival plan. First, I will always insist on bringing Sheba. She's only six pounds, and no, she is not an emergency snack. I will refuse to eat her, and likely kill anyone who tries to do so. Second, Sheba is really loud. She will attract zombies, monsters, aliens, and even sentient plant life with her plaintive wailing. Again, any threats to her life will be met with extreme violence. Third, Sheba could probably end someone's life with her toxic poop. I recommend that the group not eat her poop, if we're reduced to eating that.

Why bring the loud, smelly, inadvertently homicidal cat?, you ask. Because while we run, Sheba will serve as the constant reminder of our collapsed civilization. As we hide, shaking in fear, from the zombie horde that shambles past, her muffled meows will call out to the gentleness of our souls. In quiet days, we can all take turns petting her as we talk wistfully about all the ones we've lost. And as we bloody our hands in our fight to survive another day, her terrified cries will inspire us to fight harder to keep her safe. In other words, Sheba will be our rock. Our tiny, soft, adorable rock.

Sheba, the Rock.

I'm glad we had this talk. If there's one thing I'd like you to take away from it, it's that the cat comes with me. Even in a zombie apocalypse. Good day, madam, I said good day!

Book Review: Snow Crash (1992)

I didn't want Snow Crash to stop. I wanted to read more about Hiro Protagonist, Y.T., Uncle Enzo, and the other characters who made up this spectacular universe. I hoped Neal Stephenson would go on about his brilliant premise that combined history, archaeology, computer science, cryptography, and religion into a mind-bending knapsack of hidden delights that I continue to unpack in my mind, even now. Alas, every story must end. But getting there is just the beginning.

The novel opens with a vivid description of a post-government America. Private corporations and franchises operate as autonomous entities within the former states, and it's a dangerous world out there. The two main characters, hacker Hiro and courier Y.T., meet under adverse circumstances. The two reunite when they realize the other would be a terrific partner for all sorts of moneymaking schemes: Hiro can program anything, and Y.T. is a tiny escape artist and speed demon. Meanwhile, a new drug called Snow Crash begins to circulate among the hacker community, and unlikely alliances form to combat a threat to both reality and the virtual world of the Metaverse.

Snow Crash immerses readers in a world of high technology and brash characters. In the book, computer users can plug into the virtual world of the Metaverse, where hackers like Hiro steal information to sell to the highest bidder. While the Metaverse is cool, and Stephenson nailed it--in 1992!--with his descriptions of avatars in virtual reality, the best technology in Snow Crash has to be the Rat Things. They're robot guard dogs that have a long tail like a rat, and whenever they come into a scene, the narrative voice switches over to their point of view. For example, here's Fido: "Once there was a nice girl who loved him. That was before, when he lived in a scary place and he was always hungry and many people were bad to him. But the nice girl loved him and was good to him. Fido loves the nice girl very much."

Spoiler alert: Since Rat Things are surgically augmented pit bull terriers that can run 700+ miles per hour, you better hope you're the nice girl, and not the villain threatening her.

Snow Crash also treats readers to a unique interpretation of the legend of the Tower of Babel and the development of human languages. I recommend picking up the book to read about Asherah, Enki, and their ongoing battle through the ages--biolinguistic virus versus neurolinguistic hacking, this time in the form of Snow Crash and its eventual counterprogram, Snow Cone. Just kidding. The antivirus is called something else.

The novel culminates in two separate chase and fight scenes, as Hiro and Y.T. become separated. Both scenarios are exciting, well written, and have satisfying resolutions. I'm a huge fan.

My first Stephenson novel was Cryptonomicon, because Husband-elect practically launched it at my face via cannon when he realized that (a) I read sci-fi, and (b) I'm from the Philippines. Cryptonomicon differs from Snow Crash in that Stephenson wrote in absolutely everything that could be written about the central theme of cryptography and hidden war gold. By contrast, Snow Crash is a compact, if dense, narrative about language as code.

Finally, unlike when after I finished Cryptonomicon, I do not demand a reward for completing Snow Crash. This time, I demand a reward for not rushing to Stephenson's home in Seattle and begging him to write more.

For now, I'll just have to make do with Diamond Age, the rest of the Baroque Cycle series, and Reamde.

Movie Review: Skyfall (2012)

Pack your bags, we're going for a ride! The latest Bond features all the regulars: rooftop chases, brutal hand-to-hand combat, sniping, flirting, dry witticisms, and of course, a sex scene that would have involved the police if it happened in real life. Skyfall also packs an emotional punch that easily tops the one in Casino Royale.

The movie opens with 007 and his partner (Naomie Harris from 28 Days Later) pursuing a stolen list of embedded MI6 operatives in terrorist organizations. Bond does his badass best, even using a backhoe to prove that he doesn't just specialize in small and sexy gadgets. Alas, a shot goes awry, and the missing list remains a crucial plot point.

After the credits, the first hour and a half of Skyfall is predictable. MI6 comes under attack by someone who hacks into M's (Dame Judi Dench) computer and warns her: "Think on your sins." Her loyal 007 returns to her side and hunts down the villains. It all unfolds in a paint-by-numbers thriller sort of way, until Bond meets Silva (Javier Bardem). I joined the rest of the audience in shrieking in delight at Bardem's delicious line delivery. You'll know exactly what I mean when you watch it. Bond brings Silva into the new MI6 quarters, stupid things happen with computers (Husband-elect, software engineer, barely stopped himself from yelling at the screen), and then the movie transforms into a masterful showdown of shadowy good versus insane evil.

This movie belongs to Dench. Her M remains steely and completely committed to the mission of covert intelligence. M becomes the core of a story about how the reverence for technology frequently obscures the fact that human players deploy it, which makes the human element foremost in any war. The new Q, whose youth gets an incredulous stare from 007, represents the principle of innovation frustration; that is, whatever edge you think you have by developing the latest and greatest will always be susceptible to becoming obsolete by yet another innovation that builds on yours. Bardem's Silva, who mocks 007 throughout the movie for his old-fashioned fighting tactics, underlines the theme of the old ways versus new methods, in a world where computers offer near-unlimited possibilities to those with skills and a lack of scruples.

The first climax of the film occurs shortly after M faces the Prime Minister and other officials to defend the very existence of MI6. M has a candid moment as she makes her statement, revealing in broad sketches the world of shadows into which she sends her people, where she believes the fight must be waged. Then she delivers a knockout blow by reciting the last lines of Tennyson's "Ulysses":

Though much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

(sniffle)

Skyfall proceeds to become beyond awesome after that point. I want to watch it again, and cuddle it, and whisper to it that everything will be all right.

With that, I present to you the Skyfall drinking game:

1. Drink whenever M says, "Where the hell have you been, Double-Oh-Seven?"
2. Sip whenever Bond flirts with someone.
3. Chug when Silva [redacted].
4. Empty every bottle in sight when M [redacted].

Seriously, watch it. You'll understand. WATCH SKYFALL RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW.

My First World Problems, Let Me Share Them

Everyone in this great country has problems, and usually a bitch is one. But since I'm a bitch ("A little bitch," assured an ex), I have other issues. Namely, these:

1. Guys who spend endless minutes finding the perfect weight-lifting song on their iPhones.

Not only am I surrounded by enormous sweaty sausages at the gym (down, gays!), they have the gall to sit at the space, legs splayed apart like they have hernia, and go through their entire playlist before picking just the right Taylor Swift song to pump iron to. How do I know the artist? Because it's blasted through their earphones so loud I can hear it over the gym speakers.

Side story: Tonight, Husband-elect approached me after I secured a spot at the rowing machine, and I swept my arm grandly at our surroundings. "Behold," I proclaimed, "sausages!" Husband-elect smiled comfortingly and said, "Don't worry, I'm here," then thought about that for a bit before saying, "...to add to them." He then walked off briskly.

Guys: make your playlist before you hit the gym. Save time, and reduce the chances of my accidentally flinging a 10-lb weight at your knee!

2. Genetics

I scrub my face with exfoliant face wash, dab on astringent, and then slather on night lotion, whereas Husband-elect will go straight to bed after a day of sweating over manly engineer model things. Yet his face remains blemish-free, while I look like a pizza-faced teenager. Why? Whyyyyyy? Science, you have failed me!!!

3. Chips

Why are they so delicious when they're so awful for you? Technology, this is your fault!!!

4. Office Internet Filters

My office network immediately cockblocks all my attempts to watch kittens, puppies, and other wholesome streaming media. I can't even listen to internet radio! Although, this may not be an entirely bad thing, since I suck at muffling my laughter. I watched Obama's Anger Translator Respond to Clint Eastwood one time on my phone and everyone avoided me for fear of being fired by association. So okay, given the stuff I tend to watch online, I guess this one is more of a plus than a minus.

5. Super Expensive Cat Food

An 8-lb bag of special good-for-the-kidneys bag of kitty kibble costs over 50 bucks. That's more than P2,000 for my darling Filipino readers. And wouldn't you know it, both cats love K/D so much that they gobble it all down in a couple of weeks. Sure, they're seniors and need better food and care. But wow are they spoiled.

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There you have it. Wahhh, my life is sewwww hard.

Now get out of here! It's Friday! We're watching Skyfall tonight! Wooo!

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Could someone please remind me to write my review of Snow Crash? kthxbai

A Drink for Each Elector!

Note the disproportionate number of drinks we needed to down for California. 

Our election night shenanigans occurred in Greentown Labs, a work space for energy entrepreneurs (= nerds). We honored the electoral college by providing a unique drink for each state and having shot glasses that corresponded to the number of electors there. For example, Hawaii had 4 Pina Coladas, California had 55 Cabernet Sauvignons, and Indiana had 11 Indiana Joneses. As the night wore on, we looked thirstily at Ohio, which had 18 Bloody Marys on offer. We attacked near midnight, and boy was it worth the wait! In fact, it easily rivaled the tastiness of my first drink of the night: a White Russian courtesy of Alaska. Props to the drink mixer.

Husband-elect had the time of his life. He wandered around, beer in hand as a chaser, and talked to everyone. At one point, he attempted to wrest control of the microphone from the organizer. He eventually succeeded when said organizer got so hammered that he went off to flirt with his girlfriend; at least, I think they were together. Anyway, Husband-elect seized the mic and made a toast:

"Thanks to [name redacted] for putting this all together! Here's to everyone who works really hard! Here's to everyone who supports start-ups!"

Here, here! We drank to that, and then C and I prowled around to see if there were any leftovers. The burgers, dogs, and chips had been devoured by the civic-minded crowd hours ago, but luckily someone had ordered out and didn't like the refried beans and rice they got. Score! I also gobbled down a hamburger so burnt that it blended right into the black plate. Clearly, this ninja burger had been saving itself for me. No untoward gastric aftereffects so far.

We cheered mightily when CNN announced the winner, laughed at Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert's live antics, and then trooped out into the bitter cold. Husband-elect kept saying, "I'm so drunk, I'm so drunk," which I'm pretty sure means he was really drunk. Men are so mysterious.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to detoxify my liver for 2016.

Fuck You, AT&T Customer Service

Last month, I bought the iPhone 5 and decided it was time to get a new number, too, a Boston number to reflect my current location. I'd had a Philadelphia number before. I stayed a loyal AT&T customer, and what do I get? They're scamming me an entire fucking month for a phone I no longer use. Fuck you, AT&T.

Backstory: I happily activated my new phone, with its shiny new number. I called AT&T Customer Service and spoke to Jason, who then passed me on to Michelle. I explained to Michelle that I had a new phone (Boston), and since the contract on my old phone (Philadelphia) had expired, I wanted to terminate that line. She assured me that the Philadelphia line would be cancelled at the end of the next billing cycle. I confirmed the date -- October 26, 2012 -- and she said there would be no charges after that day, that there would be no more wireless bill for that number, and it would simply stop working as a cell phone.

Today: I plug in the old phone to check what OS it has, and the "AT&T" text shows up on the cell bar. Confused, I called my mom. It fucking rang. The phone still fucking works, nine days after it's supposed to be a brick. WTF. I checked online for the wireless bill. Oh, look they're charging me for the next cycle, which runs from October 27 through November 26. I'm paying for a goddamned phone I'm not using, that I told them specifically that I'm not using, would you please terminate it.

I called AT&T and spoke to [mumbles], who then passed me on to someone else. Here's how it went down:

Furious Elephant: ...and I was told that this phone would stop working last month and I wouldn't have to pay anything. Now I'm seeing charges for the next billing cycle.

Customer Rep: Unfortunately, your request did not go through.

Furious Elephant: I want this line cancelled. Is there a way to backdate the cancellation?

Customer Rep: Unfortunately, I can only future-date the cancellation.

Furious Elephant: So I'm paying for two phones on AT&T, one of which I'm not using?

Customer Rep: Yes.

Furious Elephant: That seems foolish.

(silence)

Furious Elephant: Look, I just want to make sure this line gets cancelled. Will it stop working on November 26?

Customer Rep: That's correct.

Furious Elephant: And is there a way for me to confirm that? Should I just call you guys again?

Customer Rep: No, you won't need to do that. It won't be able to make calls then.

Furious Elephant: Okay. What's your name?

Customer Rep: Robert.

Furious Elephant: Last time I was helped by someone named Michelle. I didn't know her last name, either.

(silence)

Furious Elephant: All right. Do I need to do anything else to make sure this thing gets cancelled?

Robert: No, that's it.

Furious Elephant: Well, thanks very much.

Robert: Thank you (choking) for being a valued customer of AT&T.

- 0 -

GRRRRRRR.

Well, lessons learned:

1. Get the customer rep's full name and any other identifying information to improve chances of correct perp getting screamed at for being incompetent.
2. Kick it up to the supervisor as soon as it becomes clear you won't be helped.

I would've done the above, but I was so upset I couldn't talk. Next time I'm making Husband-elect deal with this crap. He's very good at loudly yet politely informing people that they suck at their job. That's how we got complimentary cheese and champagne at the Westin.

In conclusion: GRRRRRRRRR.

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UPDATE: 11/08/2012

I sent a furious yet polite email to AT&T right after the call. I wrote out the issue and asked them not to make me call customer service again, since that doesn't work.

I guess a higher-up read the email, because the line has disappeared from the billing statement, and we got a credit for it! Hurray!

Thank you, AT&T!

Game Review: The Last Story (Wii)

The Last Story has a terrific soundtrack, boring characters, fun gameplay, and a derivative story. A veteran JRPGer can breeze through this game in under 24 hours, maybe with some reloading of saves due to a surprise learning curve during boss fights, especially toward the end. Overall, this game disappointed me.

As background, The Last Story mainly takes place on Lazulis Island, known as a shield for the Empire because of its Lazulis Cannon. You know what they say: the best defense is a gigantic high-tech cannon! Your player, Zael, and his fellow mercenaries have been hired by Count Arganan, ruler of the island, to investigate a cave and wipe out lizard-people in the process. The leader of the group, Dagran, takes the job hoping to gain the Count’s approval and eventually have everyone raised as knights. Meanwhile, Zael flips out in the cave and receives a mark on his hand that attracts enemies and also heals downed allies. Later, he meets a mysterious girl hiding in a cart, falls for her, then finds out she’s the Count’s niece. Let the adventures begin!

The excruciating predictability of the plot appalled me. The stereotypical characters and their cliched speeches added to the pain. I called out every single story development, with one exception: one guy I expected to fight just croaked. Oh, well! Everything else telegraphed itself -- the villain monologues about awful humans, the hero speeches about just wanting peace, the identity of the real Big Bad, the noblewoman getting kidnapped, and so on.

I understand that taking elements from tried-and-true games and adding a unique twist to them can help create a masterpiece. The Last Story is not a masterpiece. Look, if you want a JRPG where...

...the villain is a large humanoid monster and you fight him in a place with a dramatic reflective surface -- play Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword.

...the decline of nature serves as a major theme -- play Secret of Mana.

...the princess can actually fight well beside you -- play Chrono Trigger.

...you run around in dungeons wearing scandalous and impractical battle outfits -- play Vagrant Story.

...the main character is a pretty, androgynous young man -- play any Final Fantasy game from VII onward. XIII counts because Lightning is super manly.

...the reveal of the true antagonist genuinely surprises and has emotional impact -- play Ys Seven.

...your mind gets blown by the sheer epic scale of it all -- play Xenoblade Chronicles.

You get the idea. All the games listed above are superior to The Last Story.

That said, I did enjoy the gameplay. Highlights include the easy sidequests and the combat system. For example, I love that Zael can duck behind things and unleash a powerful slash at unsuspecting foes. Also, being able to  issue commands to allies, and diffuse spell circles, in the heat of battle saved my neck plenty of times. Sometimes the battlefield blazes up in all sorts of colors because of the spells flying around, obscuring everyone else, but running away from the action usually works in those instances. I’m a fan of the level up visuals, as well.

The Last Story takes place in a contained world that boasts the best graphics the Wii can offer. Lazulis Town offers fun exploration time, thanks to the mini-map and the rewards waiting for curious players. As for the Arena, it’s a good place to get some EXP and cash. To upgrade to the truly beastly weapons, you need rare items, which can be acquired in dungeons and the debris floating around town, if you’re fast enough. The color palette in the dungeons can get dark, so I compensated by having all my characters wear the same shade of hot pink.

The only other quibble I have with the graphics has to do with the scripts for Zael’s and Calista’s movements -- 1) why does Calista always have her arms in an “X” over her chest, which makes her look like a vampire with a muscle condition, and 2) why does Zael walk like an exhausted penguin?

Anyway.

Finally, the soundtrack by Nobuo Uematsu rocks. All the scores play in the background as a complement to whatever happens on screen. My copy of the game came with a bonus CD, featuring the tracks “toberu mono” (Things that Fly), “shikoshima kedamono” (Wicked Beast), “kizuna” (Bonds), “machi no onshoku” (The Timbre of the Town), “yorokobi no koe ga kikoeru” (I Can Hear Happy Voices), “chitsujo to konton to” (Order and Chaos), and the main theme. I especially like “machi no onshoku,” which uses wind instruments and the harp to convey a wary peacefulness, as though something dark lurked beneath the surface of the everyday.

I recommend this game for newcomers to the genre. Look elsewhere if you’re an experienced JRPGer. The lame plot will have you pulling out your hair, as your mind fondly wanders back to the time when you played the classics -- Chrono Trigger, Tales of Phantasia, Breath of Fire II, Legend of Legaia, Xenogears -- and the story elements were new and exciting. You may also be unable to restrain yourself when a certain nobleman appears onscreen and reminds you very strongly of a psycho in FFVI. He’s got the perfect theme music, though. Again, props to Uematsu-sensei.

Bottom line: A light snack of a JRPG. May satisfy some.