The end of the month marks another year of the imminent, inevitable, and progressive loss of my physiological integrity. On the one hand, I remain quite sprightly despite my tragic telomere attrition. On the other hand, I just discovered that I am supposed to turn into my mother this year.
If last month’s breathless news reports and blogs prove correct, I will shortly transform into the all-knowing carbon-based life form who deposited my chubby little body into an unsuspecting world.
In the interest of science, I have created a checklist to determine the likelihood of this phenomenon affecting me. I have weighted each category in an arbitrary manner, as a shout out to organized religion.
Am I My Mom Yet? - Checklist
If last month’s breathless news reports and blogs prove correct, I will shortly transform into the all-knowing carbon-based life form who deposited my chubby little body into an unsuspecting world.
In the interest of science, I have created a checklist to determine the likelihood of this phenomenon affecting me. I have weighted each category in an arbitrary manner, as a shout out to organized religion.
Am I My Mom Yet? - Checklist
| Category | Weight | Score |
|---|---|---|
| Cooks with too much oil | 10 | 0 |
| No filter between brain and mouth | 20 | 20 |
| Somehow always correct, or able to hypnotize others into believing so | 15 | 5 |
| Needy | 15 | 15 |
| Likes humans more than pets | 10 | 5 |
| Hilarious | 10 | 10 |
| Disregards personal boundaries | 10 | 5 |
| Voracious eater | 10 | 10 |
I scored a 70. I believe that makes me more than halfway toward becoming my mother. All I need to complete the metamorphosis is a diagnosis of prediabetes, and an unrelenting terror of new technology.
Time to go to the Cheesecake Factory on a donkey!
PS - Love you Mama!
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