Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Am I My Mom Yet?

The end of the month marks another year of the imminent, inevitable, and progressive loss of my physiological integrity. On the one hand, I remain quite sprightly despite my tragic telomere attrition. On the other hand, I just discovered that I am supposed to turn into my mother this year.

If last month’s breathless news reports and blogs prove correct, I will shortly transform into the all-knowing carbon-based life form who deposited my chubby little body into an unsuspecting world.

In the interest of science, I have created a checklist to determine the likelihood of this phenomenon affecting me. I have weighted each category in an arbitrary manner, as a shout out to organized religion.

Am I My Mom Yet? - Checklist
Category Weight Score
Cooks with too much oil 10 0
No filter between brain and mouth 20 20
Somehow always correct, or able to hypnotize others into believing so 15 5
Needy 15 15
Likes humans more than pets 10 5
Hilarious 10 10
Disregards personal boundaries 10 5
Voracious eater 10 10

I scored a 70. I believe that makes me more than halfway toward becoming my mother. All I need to complete the metamorphosis is a diagnosis of prediabetes, and an unrelenting terror of new technology.

Time to go to the Cheesecake Factory on a donkey!

PS - Love you Mama!

Movie Review: Hereditary (2018)