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Showing posts from July, 2012

Movie Review: The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

The final installment of Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy gives viewers a rousing story, another scary villain, and a new girl-crush for women everywhere. Anne Hathaway rose above the initial criticisms of her being cast as Catwoman to deliver a sultry, strong, sexy femme who will now likely be the Halloween costume this year. Meowww.

The Dark Knight Rises opens with an introduction to the menacing Bane, whose hidden face parallels Batman--"No one cared about me until I put on the mask," Tom Hardy says in his creepily distorted voice, before getting on with his schedule of death-death-death-tea-death. Back in Gotham, Harvey Dent is gone, the Batman is a fugitive, and Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) is still in a deep funk over departed childhood chum Rachel. Then the fetching Catwoman helps herself to some jewelry in his house, and meanwhile Commissioner Gordon (Gary Oldman) inadvertently finds Bane in the city sewers. Joseph Gordon-Levitt is on hand as Officer Blake, a g…

Movie Review: Moonrise Kingdom (2012)

I urge you to watch Wes Anderson's Moonrise Kingdom. See it on big screen to fully appreciate this endearing tale of a young boy, a young girl, and the people frantically searching for them. The stars are so shiny they almost hurt the eyes: Frances McDormand, Bill Murray, Edward Norton, Bruce Willis, Tilda Swinton, and a couple of great cameos. The cinematography is so alive it's almost a character in itself. The soundtrack is sublime. Nature plays a major role, too. This movie makes me happy. Wes Anderson is a genius.

Well, off I go into the wilderness of northern New York for vacation! Be good, everyone!

When Karma Strikes

This seems to be a banner week for Shameless Employee.

So I was preparing to stealth-poop in the bathroom (I know you do it, tooooo!) and I hear someone walk in a couple of stalls away. I wait with the patience of a ninja for the other person to leave so I can, you know, go.  Instead, she has explosive diarrhea. Great. I think she thought she was alone, judging by the hearty sounds and heavy breathing. She was going.

Being a civilized young lady, my only option was to pretend to not exist during my mystery coworker's time of rectal distress, but there were a couple of times during that two-minute Lower Body Horror Orchestra that I almost stomped out. Instead, I clenched and waited.

Finally, she left, and I hurried about my business. The last thing I needed was to be washing my hands and then have someone come in and associate me with the stench of someone else's impaired malabsorption of nutrients in the small intestine. Fortunately, this time I got lucky and no one saw me sl…

This Time It Wasn't Me

This is a Shameless Employee story.

I was innocently waiting for the elevator doors to open. I get distracted by a cookie and a brownie that's for some meeting, and am drawn irresistibly to their sugary gravitational pull. The doors open behind me and an intern hurriedly steps out, but I only catch a glimpse via peripheral vision because my hand is reaching out and hovering--oh, the agony of indecision!--and I snatch the cookie and stuff it in my mouth in one smooth motion. Then I dart into the elevator, congratulating myself on my clean escape.

But fate has other plans. The intern had farted in the damn elevator, right before her speedy getaway. It's the type of fart that says, "I am a fart. I am nitrogen, and carbon dioxide, and methane, and hydrogen, and I am ruler of this confined space." Dammit. Now the next person who comes in here will think I did it. Having a face stuffed full of cookie does not help my case.

Guess who walks in next. THE OFFICE HOTTIE. The t…

Movie Review: Magic Mike (2012)

I cried giant woman tears of happiness when I watched Magic Mike. Steve Sodebergh of Ocean’s Eleven fame directed this tale of male strippers, friendship, and lives filled with money, sex, drugs, and booze. Channing Tatum’s portrayal of the title character, Mike, holds the movie together. The script is also good, although the story needed tighter pacing. There was a point when I got bored. That is just plain wrong, when muscular hotties dance every ten minutes.
Speaking of dancing, two numbers stand out – the group dance to “It’s Raining Men,” and Magic Mike’s solo. Ho. Ly. Lord. That solo. Tatum slithers and arches across the floor like all my dreams come true, his hard body at once flexible and supple, grinding manfully and gliding deliciously and—excuse me while I take a break from writing to calm down. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. That’s it.
There’s more to Magic Mike than vicariously fulfilling our naughty fantasies, though. The movie is set in Tampa, where Mike does roof tiling…

Movie Review: Ted (2012)

I got really offended when I first watched Family Guy, a cartoon by Seth MacFarlaneabout a dysfunctional family. The show poked fun at the disabled, Jews, women--basically everyone you're not supposed to touch, if you were politically correct or had a shred of politeness and decency. Since I had not yet developed my appreciation for irony and absurdity back then, I was all, "This show is so horrible! The people who watch it are douchebags!" -- or at least I would've said that, had I known the word "douchebag" existed. See how deprived I was?

I eventually managed to level up after many episodes of The Colbert Report and The Daily Show, and grew to appreciate the humor in MacFarlane's outrageous creation.

What I'm trying to say is, Ted is basically live-action Family Guy, with the added bonus of Mark Wahlberg at his sweetheart best, and Mila Kunis in fine form. The deranged mind that brought us America's cringe-worthy post-Simpsons family came up…

Movie Review: The Amazing Spider-Man (2012)

This latest look at Marvel's wisecracking, web slinging, photo snapping science geek has been deemed unnecessary by some. I disagree. Spidey's story brims with potential, and another interpretation is welcome. I point you to 2009's The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, which was remade in 2011. Both versions were enjoyable. To me, Spider-man is the same.

The Amazing Spider-Man benefits from an updated story and strong performances by its leads. Andrew Garfield and his huge grin work well as teenage Peter Parker (in real life, he's 28). Emma Stone plays Gwen Stacey, his equally brainy love interest. Martin Sheen is great as Uncle Ben, the reason for Spider-man's heroism. Sally Field mostly mopes around as Aunt May, but she shows spark when required. Rhys Ifans is sympathetic despite needing more screen time, and Denis Leary is hilarious as Gwen Stacey's police captain dad.

This time around, the story centers on the mystery of Peter's parents, who leave him in the…

Does This Country Make Me Look Fat?

"There are a lot of fat people here," I whispered to Boyfriend as we walked out of the Gillette Stadium after a soccer game last week. "This is America," he replied. 

In the following days, tourists swarmed Boston for the 4th of July celebrations, and I saw parents who looked like they'd eaten their children, and children who looked like they ate their parents. One guy's shirt buttons in the gut area had fled from sheer terror. It was madness!

Know what else is crazy? Here are the Center for Disease Control (CDC) statistics from 2008:

Now, because I live in Boston, whose population typically looks like this--

--I'm used to seeing people whose body types range from skinny to svelte to fill-me-with-raging-jealousy. According to research done by the Pew-Pew-Pew Center for Fragrant Elephants, trust-fund hipsters and students have between them an average body mass index of 18, yuppies generally land around the 21-22 mark, and retirees are notorious for being o…

4th of July Pre-Fireworks Photos

Happy Navy Week! This 4th of July celebration is extra-special because it's also the 200th anniversary of the War of 1812, when the Brits fought with the French (as usual), and in the process, pissed off Americans by blockading trade routes, forcing American sailors into their Royal Navy, and supporting Native American campaigns against the, let's face it, non-Native Americans.

Boston's harbors now proudly host the many Tall Ships of the world, such as the one below:

We went on board the Dewaruci from Indonesia. That ship is pimped out with some serious woodwork, as seen in the nameplate on the auxiliary helm:

So pretty! It made me nostalgic for the bench we had on our balcony back in Manila, which had intricate carvings in the bottom storage compartment. Cats liked to sleep in there.

Back to ships -- we've also got some actual Navy warships and a Canadian destroyer (it might be a cruiser) out there. Needless to say, there are also plenty of navy men and women roaming th…

Movie Review: Men in Black 3 (2012)

The first Men in Black remains the best of the trilogy, but the third one is pretty entertaining. I mean, if you ignore the hilariously lazy writing. Time travel as a plot device leads to all sorts of head-scratching moments, and this one takes the cake, and possibly also the brownie. Not to spoil anything (which of course means I'm going to spoil something), but when Will Smith travels back in time about a few minutes, how come there aren't two of him? Huh? Huh? I mean, there were two of the bad guy -- present and future! And why did K disappear from the time-space continuum before Boring the Animal traveled back, but not before Will Smith traveled back? And why...ohgod, now I'm even more confused.

The movie mostly coasts on the charisma of Will Smith, a standout performance by Josh Brolin, and Emma Thompson's scene-stealing. If you're looking for light summer entertainment, this movie will do the job. And honey, that's all we ask.