Skip to main content

Does This Country Make Me Look Fat?

"There are a lot of fat people here," I whispered to Boyfriend as we walked out of the Gillette Stadium after a soccer game last week. "This is America," he replied. 

In the following days, tourists swarmed Boston for the 4th of July celebrations, and I saw parents who looked like they'd eaten their children, and children who looked like they ate their parents. One guy's shirt buttons in the gut area had fled from sheer terror. It was madness!

Know what else is crazy? Here are the Center for Disease Control (CDC) statistics from 2008:

Now, because I live in Boston, whose population typically looks like this--

--I'm used to seeing people whose body types range from skinny to svelte to fill-me-with-raging-jealousy. According to research done by the Pew-Pew-Pew Center for Fragrant Elephants, trust-fund hipsters and students have between them an average body mass index of 18, yuppies generally land around the 21-22 mark, and retirees are notorious for being obnoxiously fit due to playing tennis and/or jet-setting around the world during the miserable winter months.

During the tourist rampage, I was so mesmerized by the all the rolls of visceral and subcutaneous fat on display that I forgot to be smug about being thin (by comparison). Then two days ago, I went on the weighing scale and felt my world collapse into a bleak, howling wilderness of misery. I had gained weight after two months of sitting on my bum playing Xenoblade! NOOOOOO!!!  

Naturally, I consoled myself by going to two barbecues and despondently eating my feelings, which took on the form of pork chops, bratwursts, cheddar hot dogs, couscous salad, chips, carrot sticks, and hummus. To wash it all down, I chugged beers, sangria, and champagne.

Then I resolved to become a better person: sleek and lean, with a side order of sexy. But how?

My previous go-to tactic of running like I'm chasing a shirtless Luke Evans carrying an avocado shake was obviously insufficient. I took to the internet and found this JCD Fitness post that had reasonable, easy-to-digest tips on how to build lean muscle. See, muscle burns more calories, even when at rest. Cardio activities only burn fat. So I have to build! Here's the plan: hit the gym every weekday and work out the target areas. Since my torso currently looks like a water balloon, that gets 3x/week attention. My Amazonian arms will be targeted twice a week, and I'll switch that up with my thunder thighs. Boyfriend and I will do laps in the community pee-spot pool on Saturdays, and rest on Sundays.

Of course, we'll also eat right: good protein, lots of fruits and veggies, and healthy fat.

It will take years of discipline and grueling work, but one day you will see me on the street and say to yourself, "That girl has a fantastic physique, I simply must be her friend, she is obviously a charming and elegant human being."

This I swear, by the Power of Grayskull!

Happy Friday!

Popular posts from this blog

Paint Nite!

Last night I joined the "Oops" Paint Nite event hosted by the Club Cafe in Back Bay. About 12+ people came to relax and have two artists guide them through painting this original work:

The point was not to slavishly duplicate "Oops" -- we were instructed to make it our own, to relax, and not to utter the words, "Mine sucks," "Can you do this for me?" or "I thought this was paint-by-numbers!"

Speaking of dashed hopes, I had assumed that wine was included. I had done something like this before, only it was in the morning and we all got mimosas. Not so here! While the artists were setting up, I schlepped over to the bar and was rewarded with a generous pour of Cabernet. Now I was ready.

The setup: Everyone got a 16" x 20" canvas, three paint brushes, and a palette (a paper plate) with red, yellow, blue, and white paint. One artist (Brian) had the microphone and would paint with us, while the other was the assistant (Kory) who wo…

An International Women's Day Miracle!

Truly, International Women's Day is a special day. No, not because multitudes are out there rallying for our rights and giving voice to the powerless. It is because I won a gift card from a company raffle!

Let me explain why this counts as a minor miracle. You see, I never win anything. I answer every damned survey sent my way, participate in all the raffles, buy lottery tickets -- to no avail. This particular raffle occurred monthly, and I had been faithfully entering my name every month for two years, with no results. Finally, last month, I declared: "No more!" and unsubscribed from the mailing list -- but not before entering one final time, because why not.


There's also some déjà vu at play here. You see, four years ago, I won a gift card from a company raffle. The one fracking time I won anything! I was elated! Shortly thereafter, also on International Women's Day, I was laid off from my job.

Sooooo...since the day's almost over, I guess I'm not…

Get Out (2017)

Get Out has a charismatic lead, a terrific soundtrack, and damn good cinematography. While it’s described as horror/comedy, it’s more disturbing/cringe-y than scary, and I mean that in a good way. This is an entertaining movie that’s also pretty effective as social commentary.

The film stars Daniel Kaluuya as Chris, a photographer who’s about to spend the weekend at his girlfriend Rose’s (Allison Williams) parent’s house. Naturally, it’s in a secluded spot in the woods. When they get there, the awkwardness that might be expected from a first-time meeting gives way to a series of bizarre behaviors and interactions. While Chris initially takes it all in stride, it eventually becomes clear that there’s something sinister going on behind the scenes.

The acting and dialogue are highlights of the film, as is the camera work. In particular, Kaluuya’s eyebrows and head tilts are so expressive that the audience knows what’s going on in his head even as he politely brushes off eccentricities. A…