Receiving: 2, Giving: 0

Should an employee give the boss a present? Does that count as sucking up? Or is it a nice gesture? What is the protocol?

As I pondered these earth-shattering questions, my boss called me into her office and handed me an enormous gift bag weighted down with goodies. Excellent! The question had been answered for me: bosses give their underlings presents! It underscores the neopatrimonialism inherent in certain corporate structures whereby the managerial entity secures loyalty and productivity through a sporadic material reward system. Or, my boss is nice and I'm not.

My lameness was further compounded when my preggers coworker gave me a little bag as "a small token." I opened it up and marveled at her thoughtfulness -- she remembered the single conversation we had where I gushed about Kiehl's lotion and lip balm.

I love my job.

Lessons Learned: an Attempt at Objectivity

I complained endlessly about my old boss and my old company, but now that I think about it, I learned a heckuva lot while being slow-roasted on the altar of office drama and managerial incompetence. Here's my top three list:

1. Remember details. Specifically, details about people. This is important because everyone has something they can help you with, from minor stuff like telling you where certain files are located, to absolutely crucial stuff, like revealing where to get knee-high boots that look good and are waterproof and won't break your bank. I remember people's names by visualizing the letters across their foreheads. Also, I inherited the Nosy Gene from my mom, so I listen aggressively to everyday chatter, and file information away for future conversations where I incidentally bring up something I need.

Example: "Hi [name], did you have a great time at [location]? I bet your [item] really worked out for you. By the way, I don't have a trash can in my cubicle for some reason. Can you help me out?"

Of course, your motives for remembering details shouldn't always be utterly selfish, else you are a big jerk.

2. Be professional. Your job is your job. You get paid to do it. In every situation in the workplace (except in the kitchen!), the question in the back of your mind should be, "How will I/we get the job done?" At BOOBS, some people ignored the big picture and took their work very personally, in a negative way, i.e. showing loyalty to the boss by backbiting coworkers, or by waging email wars to show that they were being super keen at their work. In my admittedly limited experience, a true professional's considerations of his/her most efficient contribution to the task at hand dictates his/her decision trees and actions.

3. Be careful. Double-check every email you send out. In one classic example, my old boss wrote an email listing his accomplishments in the company, and asked if a position was still open at one of our funders. Problem is, he sent it to one of our managers, who had the same first name as the funder's president. Whoops! Keep it classy, old boss.

*

Gosh, I was hoping to write something positive. It's like I'm going through a bad breakup, where I wrestle with my angels ("Living well is the best revenge.") and demons ("Blow the whistle on CEO's corrupt activities questionable actions!"). I'll stick to the former.

Office Monkey

HAPPY FRIDAY!

Slightly related: I hope I'm not wrong about my company having Casual Fridays. Otherwise... I'll have to describe my outfit as Executive Cowgirl.

I came in this morning to ghost cubicle land. The lights were off, the blinds on my sun roof were shut, and no one was in sight. Obviously, this was the perfect opportunity for me to release the office monkey / professional acrobat that stirs in my soul. Yesterday I discovered the long, thin tool that would attach to the stub on the overhead blinds, so I could turn the sucker and open the blinds. Armed with that, I grabbed a stepladder from the supply room, propped it against the side of my cubicle, and discovered to my chagrin that the opener thingie attached to the blinds was missing a little metal hook. I climbed back down and affixed a paper clip to the end of my tool. No go.

I did what any hero would do: I risked life and limb to get the job done. I clambered onto the narrow top of the cubicle, wobbled into a standing position, and manually opened the damn blinds. Now I have sweet, sweet sunlight pouring in.

Just look at that beautiful blue sky.

Kids, don't try this at home. Or in the office, for that matter. If you do, make sure absolutely no one else is around to tell you you're a moron, or help you if you come crashing down. Remember: Dignity Before Safety!*

Also slightly unrelated: I learned a new word yesterday: recidivism. It means a relapse. Today's new vocab word is oneiric, which means dream-like. It's so mysterious that Google spell check has the red underline of doom under it.

*technically, Dignity comes before Safety in the dictionary. 

Well, Gee!

The Good News: A group of my coworkers from this floor trooped past me and motioned with their mugs that it was tea time. They invited me along, too! I am now one of the cool kids!

The Bad News: The coffee from Mr. Handsome Silvercakes is crap. My French pressed Whole Foods blend is far superior (nose in air). Fortunately, the green tea is passable.

The Sad News: No admin privileges on my work machine, and I am far too ladylike to haxx0r it so I can use executable files and watch streaming videos. Also, I don't know how to haxx0r this. Yet.

The Awesome News: I'm still here! Ahhh, it's like a dream... (happy dance)

I'm. So. Happy.

Checklist for first day at new job:

Show up on time. = YES
Come in with fly unzipped. = YES
Wear giant obnoxious grin. = YES
Meet new people. Forget their names. = YES
Obsessively organize new workspace. = YES
Space out as people tell you important stuff. = YES
Have serious email and phone problems. = YES
Get assigned a project due next day. = YES
Receive materials from HR. Forget to take home. = YES
Thank God for new job. = YES¹⁰⁰⁰

On this day, the First Day of New Job, I woke up at my usual time, did my stretches while Sheba meowed piteously for affection, and scooted over to Red Line it to my new home away from home. As expected, I have a cubicle, right outside my new boss' office. I barely had time to take a breath before I was taken around to meet a bunch of people on floors 1, 5, and 6, got shut in an office for a conference call, and had to deal with the phone and the email server deciding they hate me. In the middle of it all, I got a pile of reading material for a proposal ("Due tomorrow at noon," I'm told, at 4 pm), and finally the nice HR person traded my completed personnel forms for informational stuff about the company and my benefits. Which I left on my desk during a space cadet moment, because I was thinking about food. Specifically, KFC.

"Oh, crap" moment: As I was shaking hands, people were like, "Oh, I read your bio!" Turns out my new boss has been talking me up, and my bio had my nerd credentials. Apparently everyone thinks I will be a wunderkind writer for the company. I was c*ck-blocked from coasting by on low expectations! Dagnabbit!

"I heart you, boss" moment: I'm invited to a leadership seminar at the Liberty Hotel! Not because I'm management, but because my boss thinks it'll help me do my job. And I get to go into the field to get exposure! (happy hop)

"Hallelujah" moment: Just look at the beauty below.

"Eat your heart out, Keurig."

Are you counting this? No less than 27 varieties of coffee and tea. For free. I am now retiring my French press during the weekdays, because why spend my time and money on coffee when Mr. Handsome Silvercakes (I have named the machine thus) can satisfy all my caffeine needs?

The office kitchen is a beauty. Several cute little round tables and chairs, two microwaves, two toaster ovens, a toaster, a GIANT fridge, and two vending machines. Woo hoo!!! And their water coolers are connected directly to the pipes, meaning no having to upturn 5-gallon bottles and causing floods.

...I mean, obviously the kitchen is the most important space in any office. Apart from the bathroom. Have I told you that the ladies' rooms on my floors have ENORMOUS full-length mirrors (around 7 feet high and 6 feet wide)?

(intense happy dance)

I'M SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!