We Stood in Line for the SNES Classic and Got Mario Run Instead?

On September 29, Junior and I lined up outside our local Gamestop for the chance to buy a fragment of my childhood: the SNES Classic. I was eager to show my little one the games that I grew up with, but also, I wanted to play Super Mario World. After playing so much JRPG (Sen no kiseki and Sen no kiseki II), I longed for the simplicity of mindless platforming.

Although we arrived a full 30 minutes before opening, there were more than a dozen people ahead of us already. Nerds. A small line formed behind us, too, and we all chatted nervously about our chances of getting one of the limited units.

The store opened on time, and we all inched forward. As we got closer to the store proper, my heart sank as I saw the sign posted on the door: only 20 units stocked. I didn't know how many people were in line ahead of us, but I was about to find out.

One by one, the early birds filed out, gripping their purchases. About midway through, I spotted one lady with a larger bag--she had purchased three units! Soon enough, we were almost there. There were two registers, and the fellow ahead of us surged to the open one. Alas, the man at the register beside him had just gotten the final unit. We were all told this disappointing news, and we all filed away dejectedly.

I figured that since the fellow and I were next in line to get a unit, and there were 20 units available, and a lady had gotten three instead of one like everyone else had, Junior and I were actually customers #20. Had the villain not taken an extra two units, we would have walked out of there triumphantly instead of sadly.

Furious, I vowed never to give Nintendo my money again. I was so upset that when I saw a Kotaku article claiming that the SNES Classic rollout was going just fine, I deleted the site from my bookmarks. Take that, fake news!

And then I discovered Super Mario Run:

An iOS (!) Mario game! I read the glowing reviews and downloaded immediately. Then I played a little bit and gave Nintendo five bucks, because I am weak and also this game is super fun.

There are three modes: Tour, which has six worlds; Remix 10, which has shorter runs but goes up to 30 levels; and Rally, where you compete against other players to recruit Toads of various colors. This lets you build up your kingdom. Princess Peach joins once you complete the World Tour, meaning you can play as her during Rallies. You can also buy a buildings and decorations via the coins you collect.

Below is my kingdom, connected by a rainbow bridge:

The most interesting part about Super Mario Run is that Mario/bonus character can only move forward. (There are special tiles that let Mario leap backward, however, but then he quickly moves forward again.) So you really need excellent timing or else you'll miss the bonus coins, or die.

Other aspects of the gameplay are outstanding. Controls are smooth. The music is terrific: remixed versions of the good ol' Mario soundtrack. The extra modes prolong the game, and thus enjoyment. I'm almost halfway through Remix 10, and when I finish, I will probably be over that evil lady who stole my SNES Classic from under my nose. Maybe.

TL;DR: Nintendo did not make enough SNES Classic units but they still got my money.

---

This post brought to you by preschooler cold virus!

Movie Review: Kingsman: The Golden Circle (2017)

Kingsman: The Golden Circle is a dumb, fun action movie. While bigger, louder, and more action-y than the original, it lacks the fresh premise, emotional arc, and character development of the first movie. However, it does feature an impressive array of talent, and a celebrity who’s having the cameo of his life. Overall, it’s an entertaining romp that sets up possible future movies in the franchise.

As in the first film, the Kingsman face a diabolical villain with global reach and a sinister solution to a real-world issue. Poppy Adams (Julianne Moore) wants the war on drugs to end—and will sacrifice millions to achieve her goal. If you’ve seen the trailers, you’ll know that most Kingsman agents and their bases of operation are the first casualties. Cut off from their resources, Eggsy (Taron Egerton) and Merlin (Mark Strong) travel to Kentucky, USA for assistance from their “cousins,” the Statesmen.

The Statesmen provide a lot of laughs, especially their codenames: leader Champagne (Jeff Bridges), Tequila (Channing Tatum), and Whiskey (Pedro Pascal). Like Merlin, Ginger Ale (Halle Berry) is the group’s strategist/hacker, hence the non-alcoholic designation. Differences between the two secret agencies are glossed over, since the screenplay’s focus is on Eggsy and his journey – especially after reuniting with his mentor, Harry (Colin Firth). Again, not a spoiler if you’ve watched the trailers.

A lot of the emotional beats from the first movie came from Harry and Merlin’s guidance of Eggsy as he navigates the Kingsman training and the upper crust backgrounds of his fellow candidates. This time, Eggsy's character is fleshed out via his devotion to his steady girlfriend (!). This new romance makes sense, since he’s graduated from the student/teacher dynamic with Harry. However, all relationships in Kingsman: The Golden Circle are given short shrifts in favor of fight scenes.

And boy, the fights are pretty great. It’s hard to choose a favorite – there’s the opening brawl inside a cab, the mandatory bar fight, the besieged safe point, and the Final Battle. Actually, I’d say the best thrills were delivered by a scene that had no fighting at all: the one inside the ski lift. It also ended with a terrific joke.

Yes, we’re here for the spy stuff! Gadgets! Hacking! Impossibly elegant yet brutal fighting! Unnecessarily gruesome deaths! Kingsman: The Golden Circle delivers it all! And as a bonus, it does leave you with a question: how do you feel about drug users? Should they be helped? Punished? Our answers in the past have led us here, in this moment, with crisis after crisis involving substance abuse. What solution could work?

Clearly not the one devised by the cartoonishly evil president (Bruce Greenwood) in the movie!

TL;DR: Crazy fights! Loud noises! Clever quips! Why ask for more? 

---

This post brought to you by pizza!

Junior: Third Annual Report

Junior has now officially transitioned from Toddler to Child. In this report, we will highlight his various areas of growth and development.

For reference, his previous reports are here and here.

1. Language and Cognition
While Junior is now perfectly capable of expressing his needs, wants and opinions, this past year has also been notable for the number of times Junior's teacher has raised concerns over inappropriate language. The issue is being addressed via parental self-restraint and gratuitous word substitutions (e.g. "fudge").

Junior demonstrates strong listening comprehension skills. When explained a concept in Tagalog, he will accurately explain it to someone else in English.

So far the only potential lapse in brain power is seen in his unerring belief that when he can't see you, you can't see him. Hide-and-seek with Junior is exceedingly easy for adult participants.

2. Coordination

Junior has an excellent sense of balance and is fearless and competent on jungle gyms. He is scheduled to begin a fall multi-sports program to improve his playing with others. In the future, this committee recommends enrolling him in gymnastics or dance to further develop his abilities.

3. Sleep

Junior has vastly improved his sleep skills. He can nap for 2-3 hours at a time, and sleeps through the night, for the most part. The only time he gets up during the evenings is when he...

4. Toilet Training

...has to use the potty. Junior is now proficient in the use of his little toilet trainer. These days, he prefers to plop a stool in front of the actual toilet to do his business. While this has been extremely convenient for the parental units, it has made his participation in an allergy study somewhat difficult. Junior insists on using the proper throne for number two, compromising stool sample collection. Fortunately, he is sufficiently intrigued by the idea of watching Mommy put the grossness in tubes, for submission to a doctor "to help people."

TMI, apologies. The important thing is we get paid for the samples. Speaking of payment...

5. Breadwinning

Perhaps the most unexpected element of Junior's trajectory this past year has been his earning power. His income has been based on luck and looks. For the former category, he selected a $2 scratch ticket that netted him a 50x dividend. For the latter, he received his first paycheck for his debut in modeling. All proceeds go to food and clothes.

6. Responsibility

Finally, Junior took on the important role of ringbearer for our dear friends' wedding. He was able to walk by himself down the aisle, until he got distracted. He eventually overcame this hurdle and ran to his father. Anticipating this, organizers put no actual rings on the pillow he carried.

Conclusion
Junior is now toilet trained, reasonably coordinated, expressive, and can pay for his own trucks. We hope you agree that this past year has been marked by impressive strides in several categories.

As always, thank you for your unwavering support for Junior. We look forward to updating you on his future accomplishments.

Sincerely,
The Fragrant Elephant Committee on Irrepressible Smugness

Movie Review: Baby Driver (2017)

Baby Driver is a lot of fun. It has a smashing soundtrack, killer stunt driving, and an outstanding supporting cast. The writing, by director Edgar Wright, is sly and subverts expectations. Overall, it’s a film worth watching on the big screen.

Baby Driver focuses on Baby (Ansel Elgort), a young getaway driver employed by Doc (Kevin Spacey). Baby is fantastic at his job but wants to go straight; the thieves he works with constantly tell him he doesn’t belong in their world. When he meets a nice young woman (Lily James), he becomes even more desperate to make a fresh start. But the latest job turns out to be more dangerous than anyone expected…

The veteran actors surrounding Elgort are superb. Spacey is in fine form as a criminal mastermind with a firm grip on his favorite “employee.” His crew includes Jon Hamm, sleazy as Buddy, his beloved Darling (Eiza Gonzalez), and Jamie Foxx as the menacing Bats. Their conversations among each other, and their interactions with the taciturn and music-obsessed Baby, are often hilarious.

Speaking of music, it plays an outsize role in the proceedings. Baby is on his iPod all the time, and he has playlists for his jobs. He can’t drive unless he’s listening to what he thinks is a fitting track. A tragedy lies behind his compulsion, which makes him that much more sympathetic as a protagonist. Like Star-lord from Guardians of the Galaxy, Baby will put himself in danger to retrieve something of sentimental value.

The only other thing bigger than the music is the driving. Baby Driver delivers the goods, one hundred percent. It’s a blast watching Baby coolly outmaneuvering and outrunning all pursuers as his chosen music blares. The ordinariness of the getaway cars makes his work even more impressive.

My only beef with this movie is Elgort. He mainly has two expressions: blank and glowering. Baby only sheds his unflappable demeanor when he meets James’ Debora, and even then he’s awkward. But hey, maybe that’s the point. In any case, the strength of the writing, acting, driving, and soundtrack made me actually root for the kid.

The final clashes are intense, and in the end, the movie doles out justice for everyone, including Baby. It’s a satisfying conclusion to a fun, occasionally alarming ride.

TL;DR: More like Awesome Driver, amirite? 

---

This post brought to you by peanut butter!

Game Review: Eiyuu densetsu: sen no kiseki (PS Vita)

Eiyuu densetsu: sen no kiseki (Legend of Heroes: Trails of Cold Steel) is another excellent installment in the Trails series by developer Nihon Falcom. This time, the action takes place in the Erebonian empire and focuses on a group of students attending Thors Academy, an elite military school.  The group, called Class VII, is a mix of commoners and nobles -- highly unusual in a country with a rigid social system. Players take Class VII members through their first year of military training, and, naturally, tropes, teen drama, and absurdities abound. The game was released in 2013.

Sen no kiseki does nearly everything right. The music is top-notch, with absolutely perfect tracks for all situations: battles, towns, character tensions, quiet evenings, mysterious happenings, even homeroom! I mean, a short speech during an academy board meeting gets an epic swelling score, which was both ridiculous and yet appropriate. The opening theme is fun, and so is the ending. At one point, Class VII even has a concert! Kudos to Falcom Sound Team jdk for their continuing magnificent work on the series soundtracks.

The visuals are similarly impressive. The biggest change from the game's most recent predecessor, Ao no kiseki (Trails of Azure), is that the characters are fully formed 3D models, rather than adorable little sprites:

Sprites vs 3D models

A drawback of these snazzy graphics is that it's easy to see that a lot of the NPCs are identical, which is much easier to get away with when they're li'l baby sprites.

The physical environments share the same look from all Trails games: vaguely European and nineteen thirties (trains! retro airships!), but with magic! Class VII spends a lot of time on campus, and visit various cities within the empire as part of their studies. In all these places, the indoor locations are oddly enormous. Meanwhile, the monsters' designs range from formidable to forgettable, and the dungeons are dank and thankfully brief (except the last one).

The gameplay is where Sen no kiseki really shines. In particular, it's helpful that equipping quartz and thereby gaining Arts (magic spells) is no longer a guessing game. In previous Trails games, specific Arts are only available when you line up certain values of elements (e.g. 2 Fire, 1 Time, etc.), but this time around, a single quartz can provide one or more Arts. Master Quartz, which were introduced back in Ao no kiseki, continue to be helpful with their status boosts. The turn-based battles are a breeze, so grinding is not too much of a chore. The boss fights aren't hard, either.

As with any Trails game, Sen no kiseki is a completionist's dream...or nightmare. There is an insane number of collectibles, many of which serve some obscure yet awesome purpose, like granting fragments required to forge a character's strongest weapon. Talking to particular NPCs reveals recipes, which yield multiple dishes, depending on who's doing the cooking. (I cooked so much that I barely used actual items.) And there's fishing! It's literally just button-mashing so it doesn't hold a candle to the glorious experience offered by Final Fantasy XV, but fishing has been a mainstay of the Trails series since 2004's Sora no kiseki.

AND YOU CAN RIDE HORSIES IN CHAPTER THREE! HORSIES MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER.

(to the tune of "I'm on a Boat") "I'm on a horse!"

Finally, little improvements make a big difference for gamers. For instance, the mini-map has dots representing persons in towns, and red arrows are enemies on roads or dungeons. Your next destinations are marked with symbols, with colors indicating whether they're optional or required. The characters can run at top speed, and you can just teleport to key locations to save time. Bonding with your classmates only requires a card game or a conversation. So easy!

But the real meat of any JRPG, indeed any video game, are the story and characters. The Trails series has set high standards that Sen no kiseki meets. The main character, Rean, starts out as a typical protagonist: earnest and skilled with a sword. But it's shown early on that he's hiding something, and so is pretty much everyone in Class VII. Even their instructor, Sara, is playing her cards close to her chest. All the kids in Class VII are interesting and well developed, and they grow together over the course of the year. I point to the drama in the diagram below:

Adversarial relationships to overcome: Machias (glasses, gun) and Jusis (blond, sword) + Alisa (blonde) and Rean (boy band hair) + Laura (greatsword) and Fie (the little kid). Plus Emma (glasses) has a different agenda

The supporting characters are a great bunch, too. My favorite is Angelica, who's constantly hitting on any woman in sight. Celine is also terrific, because she is a cat. A magic cat.

"Meow. Also, let me guide you to your destiny~"

Ostensibly, the students at Thors are pursuing their studies against the backdrop of increasing hostilities between two factions of the empire: the Nobles and the Reformists, very Meiji Japan. The Nobles want the class system in place; the Reformists want merit, not birth, to determine rank. Class VII is a microcosm of that larger conflict, with Machias, a hotheaded commoner, immediately butting heads with the aloof Jusis, scion of one of the Four Great Houses. Other classmates have issues with each other, too; see above. Rean is constantly called upon to keep the peace, and he actually does a decent job, if only because everyone feels super awkward after one of his "inspirational" speeches.

As everyone learns to get along, a new threat emerges: the Imperial Liberation Front, whose immediate goal is to remove the leader of the Reformist faction. The antagonists aren't cartoonishly evil: they each have their own backstories and motivations, and they try to minimize civilian casualties during their operations. However, members of the military are fair game, including students...

This is where players really have to suspend their disbelief: that a group of first-year military academy students consistently foil nationally-destabilizing plots by a well-organized and well-funded group, and the only consequence is one stern lecture from an instructor about how they might not be lucky next time. Also, why are we fighting robots with swords??? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Through it all, the game deals with a number of important themes: friendship and unity, knowledge and trust, power and responsibility, family and duty, and more. The writing is exceptional, if voluminous; Trails games are known for having LOTS. OF. TEXT. All the text. I played this in Japanese and watched runthroughs in English, and noticed that the XSeed localization can be...sassier. But certainly the translations capture the content and intent, as opposed to Tales games translations, which are atrocious, but somehow in a good way.

Anyway, on a final note, Sen no kiseki took me ~70 hours to complete, and about 30 hours were cut scenes. I'm not exaggerating--I calculated this based on EmiruTheKnight's YouTube videos of all cut scenes and boss battles. I had some doubts about picking up the sequel, but this game ended in a cliffhanger so Sen no kiseki II is on its way to me right now. I shall regain my honor and defeat my foes!!!

Random items of note:

• PSA: There's an update that fixes the slow loading times for the hard copy Vita version! Download immediately!
• PSA 2: Press the cancel button during cut scenes to fast forward.
• The timeline in Sen no kiseki overlaps with the Crossbell arc (Zero no kiseki and Ao no kiseki), and the scrappy little city-state gets a lot of mentions within the game. Still, Zero and Ao aren't required to enjoy Sen.
• Having said that, Rean is a lot like the Crossbell protagonist, Lloyd. They're both earnest, competent, have troubled pasts...
• This is mean, but I disliked Alisa's English voice so much that I'm getting Sen no kiseki II in Japanese. I'd rather struggle with kanji (and boy, do I struggle) than listen to her. 
• I'm shipping Rean and Laura:

Laura's dad already approves of Rean! Get to it!

TL;DR: A strong start to a spectacular trilogy! I'm into it!

---

This post brought to you by a mini avocado!

Movie Review: Atomic Blonde (2017)

Atomic Blonde boasts three standout elements: its savage lead, fantastic soundtrack, and brutal action scenes. It's a summer treat for those who want something darker. As a bonus, it also passes the Bechdel test.

Charlize Theron plays Lorraine Broughton, an MI6 agent sent to Berlin just before the fall of the Wall. She's a typical gritty spy protagonist: stoic, dour, brusque, competent, and hard-drinking. Her mission is to retrieve...something not terribly original (cf. Skyfall), but a secondary mission also emerges, and possibly a third? In any case, Broughton keeps her cards close to her chest as she punches, kicks, and throws her way out of hairy situations.

Theron is joined by a talented supporting cast: James McAvoy, John Goodman, Toby Jones, Eddie Marsan, and James Faulkner (Randyll Tarly!!!). Sofia Boutella adds her own je ne sais quoi to the proceedings as French agent Delphine Lasalle. In the spy business, "trust no one" is rule number one, and all the secondaries are appropriately shady enough to keep viewers guessing.

Atomic Blonde really shines when it comes to fight choreography. Broughton's fighting style is realistic, with lots of low blows, use of everyday items (e.g. power cord, hot plate), and plenty of throws. There's never the sense that she's a super smooth untouchable operative; she's often on the receiving end of hard hits, especially as her opponents become progressively tougher. My fellow viewers and I were gasping at particularly brutal moments. The biggest confrontation begins in a staircase of an apartment building; the trailers did not prepare me for the extended beating everyone endures here. Wow. Just wow.

The soundtrack is equally terrific. Queen, Depeche Mode, George Michael, and all the luminaries from that time period set the tone. 99 Luftballons makes a menacing appearance. And the color palettes add to the atmosphere of a murky world.

Alas, the writing is not as spectacular as the fights and music. The plot is predictable, and I thought the villain monologuing and misdirection at the end almost obscures Broughton's real purpose and motivations. But maybe that was the idea--that spies live in the shadows, so trying to assign a higher nobility to any of them is pointless. Maybe?

Overall, Atomic Blonde is a stylish action fest that makes excellent use of its star. It's more interested in portraying the turmoil of secret agents than on commenting on the Cold War. Having said that -- more Atomic Blondes, please!

TL;DR: It'll hold me over until the Black Widow movie. Your move, Marvel Studios.

---

This post brought to you by chai latte!

Movie Review: Spider-man Homecoming (2017)

Hot take: Tobey Maguire is the best Spider-man. That (correct) opinion does nothing to detract from the long list of things that Spider-man Homecoming gets right, including the villain, music, cameos, humor, and most importantly, the portrayal of Peter Parker.

Like Ant-man, this latest entry into Marvel's increasingly enormous cinematic universe stays well within the protagonist's home turf. All the action takes place in New York, as Spider-man stumbles into a group manufacturing and selling alien-based weapons, a group led by the Vulture (Michael Keaton).

As noted above, probably the main strength of the film is how Peter (Tom Holland) is so consistent as a character. He's a high school kid who is so pumped about possibly becoming an Avenger that he lets his promising academic career slide. His budding social life also becomes compromised by his commitment to "being there for the small guy." He's a good kid, and a smart kid, and he will always do what's right in spite of the consequences to himself. It's never explicitly stated, but Peter is an eager beaver because his credo is, "With great power comes great responsibility."

Meanwhile, his antagonist, the Vulture, is fearsome to look at and equally determined, for the opposite reasons. His motivation stems from powerful people taking things from him -- if he had made different choices, he might have been one of the "little guys" that Spider-man would save. Instead, he and his henchmen provide Spider-man with his first real challenge since the superhero brawl back in Avengers Civil War. Keaton's performance adds a bit of gravitas to a film that mostly focuses on the breathless antics of its young hero, and he's menacing without being over the top.

The writing is very much geared toward general audiences. There are plenty of light moments in Spider-man Homecoming, coming from so many different sources: Peter himself, Ned, (Jacob Batalon), MJ (Zendaya), Stan Lee, Happy Hogan (Jon Favreau), Tony Stark (Iron Man), Coach Wilson (Hannibal Buress), and even a small-time criminal played by Donald Glover. Aunt May (Marisa Tomei) gets the last laugh in the theater with her final line. (If you stayed through all the credits, someone else gets another laugh.)

As for the music, the movie opens with a fun rendition of the Spider-man theme, and the rest of the tracks are suitably epic. There's a lot of love for this movie's soundtrack, as evidenced by overwhelmingly positive comments on YouTube (!).

Overall, Spider-man Homecoming is a thoroughly enjoyable summer movie with a hero you can't help but root for and a satisfying ending that ties up a loose end from a previous Marvel movie.

TL;DR: Instant blockbuster, just add Michael Keaton!

---

This post brought to you by Kona Golden Ale!