Postpartum is Hell, or: How to Lose 20 Pounds of Pregnancy Weight in One Month!

Background

Women who have just given birth retain their pregnancy pooch because the uterus needs weeks to contract from the size of a watermelon to the size of a peach.

News flash: Process does not happen overnight.

To illustrate: when baby and I were discharged, a man in the hospital elevator asked me how old my baby was.

"Two days," I replied.

He glanced at my pooch. "And are you having another one?"

I rest my case. Also, he was a moron. Why, yes, I gave birth two days ago and immediately got pregnant again. ARGH.

***

Pregnancy books and articles usually say that it takes about nine months for your body to regain its pre-pregnancy size, given that it took nine months to get there.

In this post, I will share my amazing, unbelievable system for getting insta-sexy again. As an FYI, I was built like Scarlett Johansson before I got knocked up.

Shut up, I can dream.

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Methodology

Follow these steps exactly and you'll lose your pooch in no time! Obviously that is the most important thing postpartum, forget your newborn, your own physical recovery, and your mental health!

Begin!

1. Establish baseline: Gain the recommended 35 pounds during pregnancy. Ideally, get that last 20 in the final three months. Eat everything in sight, every hour on the hour.

2. Be clueless: Come into motherhood utterly unprepared. Go through your entire life without ever having changed a diaper, heard of burp cloths, or debated breastfeeding versus formula.

3. Deliver baby: Assuming a seven-pounder, you'll immediately lose 9-10 lbs. when that screaming bundle of joy comes out along with his swimming pool of amniotic fluid, and your placenta.

4. Bleed profusely: For three weeks, as your bruised and torn ladyparts go "ow ow ow OW OW OW."

5. Hydrate!: This will help you flush out all the extra fluid that your pregnant body stored up. It will also help with breastfeeding, if you go that route. Speaking of...

6. Struggle with breastfeeding: Specifically, be uncertain why baby screams at your breast, bunches his legs up, turns bright red, and spits out your nipple.

6.a. Realize you are drowning baby: Let the internet tell you how to deal with your milk oversupply. Confirm with actual lactation consultant via ancient technology telephone.

7. Stop sleeping: Nurse baby every 1.5 hours, including during the night. Be incredibly pleased at having five hours of total sleep, broken up in chunks, in one 24-hour cycle.

7.a. Abandon hope: After weeks of this grueling schedule, lose ability to think positively. Wander the apartment in a cloud of gloom. Burst into tears when overwhelmed. Feed baby Sad Breast Milk, then feel even worse for doing so.

7.b. Replace sleep with light exercise: Bundle baby in stroller and walk outside for at least half an hour every day. Ask OB/GYN if can go running to release stress. OB/GYN will say, "Hale NO." Your body is still recovering!

7.c. Laugh: Especially when your well-meaning husband suggests leaving you the car so you can drive around with baby. Hysterical laughter is a great ab workout! When finished, remind husband that chronically sleep-deprived person + motor vehicle = bad. 

8. Stress out: About going back to work, pumping milk for day care, Mamala returning to Manila, scheduling a massage, the enterovirus, treating infantile seborrheic dermatitis, and really, everything. Just be constantly anxious and afraid, and you'll slim down in no time!

***

Simple, no? Do all of the above and you too can be a hot sexy momma!

(vomits)

SOON I CAN BE SCARJO'S BODY DOUBLE AGAIN,
SHUT UP, I'M NOT CRAZY FROM THE BABY, HORMONES, AND STRESS

***

I have two more weeks of standard postpartum recovery to go, but I wanted to get this post out before Nick gets another growth spurt and I only have time to shower, nurse him, and drink water.

This post brought to you by Fisher Price Calming Vibrations!