Monday, December 3, 2012

Time Difference

Thanks to!
Welcome, reader, to Sweeping Generalizations Monday!

The topic for today is CPT, or Caucasian People Time. This phenomenon differs from the original CPT, Colored People Time. For purposes of our sweeping generalization, we will label the latter CPT1 and the former CPT2. You'll pick up which is which from context.

CPT1 holds that your physical presence at an event can only occur at least 30 minutes past the time you were supposed to be there, or preferably 45 minutes to an hour. In other words, you're supposed to be always late. By contrast, CPT2 requires a commitment to reaching the party destination as close to the appointed time as possible, with cheese and crackers in tow. In other words, come on time, but bring food to tide you over.

In the CPT1 timeline, if you're invited to any sort of gathering involving food, the food will be there at the appointed time. Whether it's a full, catered buffet or a more modest, homemade spread of children's spaghetti, roasted pig, fried noodles, spring rolls, barbecue pork, and spicy pork--if the invite said 6 pm, the entire array of dishes shall be waiting for you as you casually saunter in at 7 pm.

If you bring food, the host/hostess shall be insulted! How dare you impugn their honor by suggesting that they will somehow fail to stuff you full of food and send you on your way? Unthinkable!

In the CPT2 case, a barbecue that "starts at one" will see you receiving your burger at three, if you're lucky. You're supposed to fill up on chips and dip in the meantime. You chat to catch up while the host serves drinks and more dip. Then, at a mysterious time, such as when invited Filipinos start becoming grouchy due to not having actual food yet, the host starts the grill.

If you did not bring food or drinks or a few jokes, how dare you be a freeloader! This gathering is meant to be a social occasion, and everyone must pitch in!

Clearly, the main issue here is food. The meal is the star of the show under CPT1. Meanwhile, socializing is why everyone has come together in CPT2. The food is a bonus.

As a brave young woman straddling these two phenomena, my survival depends on my ability to adapt. Since I now operate mostly under CPT2, I should always have a snack in my bag when I'm invited to dinner or lunch. Or better yet, I should have a full meal beforehand, since my metabolism will have burned through it by the time the event food is served.

However, I find that the best solution is actually beer. It's like having bread! Just give me a bottle or two, and watch my waiting-for-food-stress disappear under the influence! I may even crack a joke, like this one:

What's a government mandate?
It's when Obama and Biden go out to dinner together!

Ahahahaha!!! I kill me.

In conclusion: it's Monday and I'm not even awake yet.