Adventures in Brideland, Part I

A successful bride needs awesome bridesmaids. Good thing I can pick 'em. With my two big sisters currently unable to cross the Pacific to be my slaves my pillars of womanity, C and K stepped in.

These two ladies share my deep and abiding love for food. We're friends for other reasons, obviously, but food is the main one, let's face it. And by that I mean that they have both fed me on numerous occasions, and I have liked it every single time. Such a bond cannot be broken! As a Leo born in the year of the dog under the moon of the Philippines, the way to my adoration is through my stomach.

But enough about me. This post is about my bridesmaids...helping me. Er, yes. Here's how they did it:

#1: They Helped Me Buy My Dress

C beckoned us to a place called Vows in Watertown. We went during a weekend, and the place swarmed with brides, their entourages, and camera crews. Turns out they're filming for reality TV! Possibly due to her glowing face, C got interviewed.

"Are you the bride?" they barked at her.

"No, I'm a bridesmaid," she replied demurely.

"What's the bride looking for?" they demanded.

"She doesn't know!" said the honest C. "But she has very opinionated bridesmaids!"

And thank goodness I do! C and K patrolled the rows of dresses and stuck pink cards labelled with my name onto the likely candidates. Then a Vows rep stepped in, grabbed said dresses, plucked a few to add to the pile, and trooped us into one of the dressing rooms. The rep unzipped dresses for me, zipped me up after I stepped into them, and guided me onto a pedestal so we can all do our synchronized, "Oooohhhh!" Then it was on to the next dress.

It ultimately became a choice between [REDACTED] and [REDACTED]. Sorry, dear readers, Husband-elect reads this blog, too, so let us help him continue to believe that I will be dressed like Xena the Warrior Princess, which I totally am, honey, I'm glad you support all my decisions.

In conclusion: I ordered the dress after only one hour. It'll be here early next year in my size, for tailoring.

Wedding Dress Level: Cleared. Time Bonus: Unlocked.

#2: They Helped Me Fix My Face

My idea of makeup is a paper bag. By contrast, C and W know what the face needs.

They took me to Sephora while we were out shopping for their dresses. K led me to a brand of foundation that she liked. The rep came over and was immediately like, "No way are you using this for your wedding. For one thing, this has ethyl methacrylate copolymer because it has SPF. It also contains mica. Light will just bounce off your face. Your face will look paler than your body in photographs. You want this," and here she marched us to a tiny bottle that screamed "I cost ridiculous amounts of money!!!" and handed it to me with authority. Then she told us that we must--must!--schedule an appointment so a makeup expert can put on my wedding face while K observes.

Then she led us to another lady who assured me that so-and-so premoistened pads will make my face resemble a human's. Then the new lady pointed me to a night cream that will restore my oils as I rest after an exhausting day of non-remunerative blogging.

Bottom line: I bought three tiny items, and they totaled over a hundred bucks. It'll be worth it if I stop looking like the moon and all its craters. Now I need to schedule that appointment.

Makeup Level: Incomplete. Weeping Credit Card Trophy: Unlocked.

#3: They Got Their Dresses in Under an Hour

We couldn't find bridesmaids dresses at the mall, so we went to David's Bridal in Natick. It had even more dresses on display than Vows! But their dressing rooms are less private. But they have more mirrors!

I like pink, so the rep got an array of shades for us to look at. We immediately nixed the ones that were too purple or peach. C and K proceeded to try on dresses, and had decided by the end of our 45-minute appointment. They looked adorable in all the ones they tried on, so it is quite a feat! They'll get their dresses by early next year, too.

Bridesmaids Dress Level: Cleared. Time Bonus: Utterly Violated.

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In case you mistakenly thought that life = breeze, let me inform you that there will always be that troglodyte who will ruin your day just by existing. Currently, FedEx holds that loathed position. Blame FedEx for your still-missing Save the Date card.

See, Wedding Paper Divas had FedEx ship the cards almost two weeks ago. The driver got confused because he didn't see my name on the door, even though he had the right street address. So he left without leaving a sticker. Same thing happened the next day--no note saying that FedEx stopped by.

Yesterday I wondered what the heck was taking so long, tracked the package status, and promptly blew a gasket. "Delivery exception -- could not locate recipient," the website trumpeted. Whoever does this route sure is unique, since this has never happened before. So I called FedEx, confirmed that they had the right address, identified the major streets near the house, and gave them my number. They assured me they would have it to me the next day.

Did the package arrive? Of course not. Same error message: "delivery exception." This is the third time FedEx has tried, and if I do not find a sticker when I go home today, why, I shall eat and drink more than is healthy for me to sublimate my rage! That'll teach FedEx!

AND!, as Miriam Defensor-Santiago would say with a vigorous finger-shake, it turns out Wedding Paper Divas specifically instructed FedEx not to hold the package in one of their facilities so I can pick it up after work! I'm sorry, was I supposed to be barefoot in the verdammt kitchen while my beautiful Save the Date Cards were being delivered to me? I wish!

Husband-elect nobly volunteered to stay at home tomorrow to wait for the package. This will save us a fortune in lawsuits because my flying kick would have greeted the FedEx man when he finally rings the thrice-damned doorbell.

Boogers.

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The mild profanity above is brought to you by my mom, who objected to my swearing on this blog, notably when I cussed out AT&T Customer Service.

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There you have it: the first installment of the exciting and once-in-a-lifetime series, Adventures in Brideland. Stay tuned for the next episode!