Tuesday, October 16, 2012

iPhone 5 Review, After Actual Use

Glass and aluminum make a wholesome breakfast!

I shall now pass judgment based upon the holy trinity of smartphone features.

Battery Life (The Holy Father)
I judge thee: Worthy
Because: It's at 47% after 28 hours of standby and 5 hours of use. I mostly read e-books, browse the web, use the maps feature, send local and international text messages, listen to music, and obsessively check email. I'll need to charge it every couple or few days. No problem.

Display Resolution (Jesus)
I judge thee: Fabulous
Because: My laser eyes love the screen. Read this post if you want an analysis of how the iPhone 5 pirouettes through current gamma and sRGB standards, whatever that means.

Sound (The Holy Spirit)
I judge thee: Worthy
Because: The new earphones help me rock out to the thumping bass of the latest Justin Bieber. Call quality on the earbuds also allows me to clearly hear all the details of my mom's next meal and/or workplace gossip.

But there's more! To continue with the religious analogy, the iPhone 5 has bonus awesome features that I outline below.

Siri (The Virgin Mary)
Her icy voice leads me to highly ranked nearby restaurants. Her soulless tones guide me through the streets of Boston. I am lost without her. I am also lost with her, since she took me and fiance to the wrong place in Cape Cod last weekend. Let's get that Maps fixed, shall we, Apple?

4G LTE (Archangel)
Downloading the latest kitten/puppy videos happens so fast it's like Archangel Gabriel flapped all 140 pairs of his wings just to help me watch them.

Panorama Photo (Seraphim)
Being able to capture the image of both cats pointedly ignoring each other across the room makes me feel like the highest order of angels, who can easily watch everything because they have six wings and four heads. Holy stalkers, Batman!

Weight (Cherubim)
Carrying this thing around in my hand is like holding the feather of a fat baby angel, if that feather weighed as much as a newborn giant panda.

In conclusion: TOTALLY WORTH IT!