Sunday, August 19, 2012

Movie Review: The Bourne Legacy (2012)

Dear Mr. Jeremy Renner,

Thank you for your visit. I enjoyed pummeling you with my sweltering heat. It was truly a pleasure to cause those rivulets of sweat to run down your toned body. On an unrelated note, I hope you appreciated the skill with which my inhabitants spoke English.

My only regret was my inability to supply the tropical beauties that you, of course, automatically imagined when you heard Ms. Rachel Weisz utter, "The Philippines." I can only say that you already had a beautiful woman beside you, and that it would have been rather forward of me to include my prettiest mestizas in your film. They were all busy doing Pantene commercials, anyway.

Please consider another visit to my crowded streets. I would also love it if you told your friends in Hollywood that I am a top filming destination due to my affordability, millions of readily available extras with pan-Asian features, and the special relationship between our two countries.

I remain, as always, your loving friend.

Best wishes,


Now that we have that out of the way...


Jeremy Renner holds together The Bourne Legacy. His character, Aaron Cross, can slap around bad guys one minute and then have a pointed ethical argument against you the next. He's earnest, conscientious, friendly, and best of all, he's A Nice Guy. Kind of. Like Matt Damon, Renner is an effective everyman. He's got the Goldilocks thing going for him: he's not too handsome or fugly; he's just right. Aaron Cross is just this guy, y'know, he keeps his head low and won't kill you at all if you just leave him alone.

My movie-watching experience was a little bit jarring because the guy right beside me kept rocking with laughter whenever Jeremy Renner's character beat the crap out of someone. I mean, I laughed at the funny bits (all two of them), too, but whoa. Now I know how it feels like to be someone else sitting near me during a horror movie (I snicker during "scary" moments).

Rachel Weisz, hallelujah, was actually a useful female character, in keeping with the Bourne series. I guess this means she'll be killed within the first 15 minutes of the sequel? Oh well, at least she already has an Oscar and Golden Globe.