Rey P.

There's a joke back home that goes something like this: A guy reports that he's been sexually assaulted, when all he did was answer a question. "Well, what was the question?" They wanted to know his name, said the guy. "Okay, what's your name?" His name is Rey Piñoco. In Tagalog, that sounds like "Rape me."

Hur hur hur.

Missouri Congressman Todd Akin got into trouble with malapropism, too. "It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors... If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down," he recently declared, when asked about his stance on abortion in the case of rape. In other words, Ten Things I Hate About You actress Gabrielle Union had no reason to be concerned about possibly getting pregnant after being assaulted at gunpoint when she was 19. Because her Vagilina Jolie can "shut that whole thing down." Also: "legitimate rape"? I guess that's the opposite of "illegitimate rape," which is rape born out of wedlock and can't get an inheritance. For a humorous twist on other horrific--but legitimate!--things and the non-victims that can shut 'em down, see the From Talking to Doctors Tumblr.

Everyone and their mother's dog jumped all over Akin, who by the way is running for senator and is a member of the House Science and Technology Committee. Our very own Governor Scott Brown, himself a childhood victim of abuse, was the first Republican Senator to call on Akin to stop his campaign for SenateTrue to form, hardcore conservatives rallied around their besieged hero, touting his "Christian values." I will now stop here before I have an embolism.

Of course, the media will let us know how this story develops. Will Akin step down from the race? Will there be a glorious future where no one says stuff like what Akin said, because we're all going to be mutually respectful, reasonable, and/or educated?

Hur hur hur?