Skip to main content

Movie Review: Underworld: Awakening (2012)

Break out the 3D glasses -- Selene is back in all her latex glory! In this latest installment of Romeo and Juliet Are Undead, everyone's favorite frowny-faced, eye color-changing, double gun-toting vampire is captured omg!! And guess who frees her? And guess who helps her? And guess who wins in the end? Spoiler: she does omg!!

Pubescent squealing aside, Underworld: Awakening is a solid action movie. Kate Beckinsale's Selene now comes with Extra Emotions to round out her usual repertoire of homicidal, angrily confused, vengeful, and hot for the hybrid. Outfitted in her all-black Death Dealer costume that "smells like a flower," as she coyly reveals to comedian Chelsea Handler, Selene is a vamp on a three-track mission: one, escape! two, discover the truth!, and three, fight! for the right! to PAAAAAAAARTYYYYY!!! And by "party" I mean "have epic showdowns with huge scary monster after dispatching minor baddies." You know, the type of party that involves a lot, lot, lot of fighters and blood and gore and shooting and impaling and at the end only Selene walks out in slow motion, with her dramatic billowing trench coat.

Oh, in case you're curious, here's the plot: humans discover the Corvinus virus and ruthlessly purge the vampires and werewolves/lycans. Remember, the Corvinus virus granted immortality to two of his kids, and one became the first vampire, and the other became a werewolf (can't change back to human form). The last child had the potential to be a sexy blue-skinned hybrid (as opposed to a Smurf). So anyway, a pharmaceutical company gets its gloved, sanitized hands on dear Selene, who spends more than a decade as a popsicle, before being defrosted so that bone-breaking justice might be meted out to the unrighteous.

IMDb's summary is: When human forces discover the existence of the Vampire and Lycan clans, a war to eradicate both species commences. The vampire warrioress Selene leads the battle against humankind. My version is better, mostly because it does not contain the term "warrioress," which sounds like a brand of metal brassiere or perhaps a feminine hygiene product.

The only complaint I have about this movie is that it is SUPER LOUD. There was a couple behind us who talked incessantly through the trailers, but once Underworld: Awakening started their chatter stopped mattering because EXPLOSIONS! BREAKING GLASS! SCREAMING! EXPOSITION! Tone it down, AMC Loews, people in the next room are trying to watch Albert Nobbs!

In conclusion, Underworld: Awakening is awesome, and I can't wait for the next one, Underworld: Snorkeling. Because isn't it time for a latex bikini?

Popular posts from this blog

An International Women's Day Miracle!

Truly, International Women's Day is a special day. No, not because multitudes are out there rallying for our rights and giving voice to the powerless. It is because I won a gift card from a company raffle!

Let me explain why this counts as a minor miracle. You see, I never win anything. I answer every damned survey sent my way, participate in all the raffles, buy lottery tickets -- to no avail. This particular raffle occurred monthly, and I had been faithfully entering my name every month for two years, with no results. Finally, last month, I declared: "No more!" and unsubscribed from the mailing list -- but not before entering one final time, because why not.


There's also some déjà vu at play here. You see, four years ago, I won a gift card from a company raffle. The one fracking time I won anything! I was elated! Shortly thereafter, also on International Women's Day, I was laid off from my job.

Sooooo...since the day's almost over, I guess I'm not…

Paint Nite!

Last night I joined the "Oops" Paint Nite event hosted by the Club Cafe in Back Bay. About 12+ people came to relax and have two artists guide them through painting this original work:

The point was not to slavishly duplicate "Oops" -- we were instructed to make it our own, to relax, and not to utter the words, "Mine sucks," "Can you do this for me?" or "I thought this was paint-by-numbers!"

Speaking of dashed hopes, I had assumed that wine was included. I had done something like this before, only it was in the morning and we all got mimosas. Not so here! While the artists were setting up, I schlepped over to the bar and was rewarded with a generous pour of Cabernet. Now I was ready.

The setup: Everyone got a 16" x 20" canvas, three paint brushes, and a palette (a paper plate) with red, yellow, blue, and white paint. One artist (Brian) had the microphone and would paint with us, while the other was the assistant (Kory) who wo…

Get Out (2017)

Get Out has a charismatic lead, a terrific soundtrack, and damn good cinematography. While it’s described as horror/comedy, it’s more disturbing/cringe-y than scary, and I mean that in a good way. This is an entertaining movie that’s also pretty effective as social commentary.

The film stars Daniel Kaluuya as Chris, a photographer who’s about to spend the weekend at his girlfriend Rose’s (Allison Williams) parent’s house. Naturally, it’s in a secluded spot in the woods. When they get there, the awkwardness that might be expected from a first-time meeting gives way to a series of bizarre behaviors and interactions. While Chris initially takes it all in stride, it eventually becomes clear that there’s something sinister going on behind the scenes.

The acting and dialogue are highlights of the film, as is the camera work. In particular, Kaluuya’s eyebrows and head tilts are so expressive that the audience knows what’s going on in his head even as he politely brushes off eccentricities. A…