Thursday, February 2, 2012

Movie Review: Underworld: Awakening (2012)

Break out the 3D glasses -- Selene is back in all her latex glory! In this latest installment of Romeo and Juliet Are Undead, everyone's favorite frowny-faced, eye color-changing, double gun-toting vampire is captured omg!! And guess who frees her? And guess who helps her? And guess who wins in the end? Spoiler: she does omg!!

Pubescent squealing aside, Underworld: Awakening is a solid action movie. Kate Beckinsale's Selene now comes with Extra Emotions to round out her usual repertoire of homicidal, angrily confused, vengeful, and hot for the hybrid. Outfitted in her all-black Death Dealer costume that "smells like a flower," as she coyly reveals to comedian Chelsea Handler, Selene is a vamp on a three-track mission: one, escape! two, discover the truth!, and three, fight! for the right! to PAAAAAAAARTYYYYY!!! And by "party" I mean "have epic showdowns with huge scary monster after dispatching minor baddies." You know, the type of party that involves a lot, lot, lot of fighters and blood and gore and shooting and impaling and at the end only Selene walks out in slow motion, with her dramatic billowing trench coat.

Oh, in case you're curious, here's the plot: humans discover the Corvinus virus and ruthlessly purge the vampires and werewolves/lycans. Remember, the Corvinus virus granted immortality to two of his kids, and one became the first vampire, and the other became a werewolf (can't change back to human form). The last child had the potential to be a sexy blue-skinned hybrid (as opposed to a Smurf). So anyway, a pharmaceutical company gets its gloved, sanitized hands on dear Selene, who spends more than a decade as a popsicle, before being defrosted so that bone-breaking justice might be meted out to the unrighteous.

IMDb's summary is: When human forces discover the existence of the Vampire and Lycan clans, a war to eradicate both species commences. The vampire warrioress Selene leads the battle against humankind. My version is better, mostly because it does not contain the term "warrioress," which sounds like a brand of metal brassiere or perhaps a feminine hygiene product.

The only complaint I have about this movie is that it is SUPER LOUD. There was a couple behind us who talked incessantly through the trailers, but once Underworld: Awakening started their chatter stopped mattering because EXPLOSIONS! BREAKING GLASS! SCREAMING! EXPOSITION! Tone it down, AMC Loews, people in the next room are trying to watch Albert Nobbs!

In conclusion, Underworld: Awakening is awesome, and I can't wait for the next one, Underworld: Snorkeling. Because isn't it time for a latex bikini?

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