Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Game Review: Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword (Wii)

Falling Skyward: Link's Diary

Background: Now 10+ glorious hours into Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword on the Wii. Did I mention it is glorious? Zelda games have always been the perfect blend of puzzle-solving, action, and random characters.

Inspired by The Very Secret Diaries.

Magic elf love saves lives.
Day One – Surface / Sealed Temple
Zelda's sailcloth allowed me to land safely after plummeting several thousand feet from the sky. Her love is magical.

This place is weird. What’s with these holes in the ground gushing out hot air?

Day Two – Faron Woods
Figured out that those were air vents that shoot me up to higher ground via sailcloth.

Old lady with extremely pointy hat told me to go into Faron Woods. Robot fairy from the future keeps popping out of sword to talk to me like I’m retarded. Miss Midna.

Day Three – Skyloft
Have rescued all the kiwis or whatever they are in forest. Got a slingshot from dungeon! Now can ring bell on flying novelty shop back here in Skyloft.

Perhaps can squeeze in some time with therapist to deal with issues resulting from tall, thin, and pale villain licking my cheek. Don’t understand why keep getting mistaken for boyishly handsome woman.

It can't be the sideburns.

Day Four – Eldin Volcano
Wooden shield burst into flames while running around in volcano. Very sad. Bright side: now have enough Rupees to buy iron shield. Shopkeeper keeps saying iron shield can’t protect against electricity. Why would he say that?

Day Five – Lanayru Desert

Day Six – Temple of Time
Very sad but hopeful. Caught up with Zelda but rude anorexic woman shoved her through time gate after she gave me her goddess harp. Always fancied self with saxophone, but harp much more portable. Zelda thinks of everything.

Got slightly nervous as tall, thin, pale, and creepy burst in again, but he refrained from sexual harassment this time as claimed to be too busy. Says he is chasing Zelda but obviously wants me. Must ask therapist how to gently discourage stalker who can teleport.

Day Seven – Sealed Temple
Just defeated giant black pineapple with shark teeth and stubby legs. Old pointy-hatted woman says my sword needs to be stronger. But she says my body is perfectly fit. Slightly disturbed by her thorough pat-down, especially in my pants area, but assured that all heroes of destiny must be tested thus.

Day Eight – Skyloft (sidequests)
Have made friends with fabulously gay version of monster from Diablo. Wants me to collect “gratitude crystals” so he can turn human. First wanted five, now he wants 30. Hoor.

Getting very good at catching bugs. Sure my collection will come in handy someday, when I need to upgrade my underwear or something. Perhaps should get underwear first, as pants starting to chafe.

Day Nine – Skyloft
Supposed to fix some windmill. Have no idea what to do. Will go catch more bugs.