Thursday, November 17, 2011

I Feel Fat

I know what you're thinking: "Based on the title, I'm in for an insightful and incredibly deep blog post!"

You are wrong!

I was a fat, happy baby. Now I am distinctly less happy, partly because I conform to society's desire for me to not be fat. Dammit. In the Philippines, a sleek body is easily achieved; no matter how many tropical fruits and deep fried meat dishes you shovel down your gut, you're gonna sweat it out, either by cursing vigorously at the traffic or the economic state of the country, by standing under the sun for more than two seconds, or by worrying about the next natural disaster that will force you to paddle down a main street. Because our bodies are roughly 70% water, constantly losing that water via sweat glands makes you thin! It's science.

By contrast, the US poses a difficult challenge for aspiring bikini models like myself. It gets bloody cold up here, which makes your blood move sluggishly throughout your body, which in turn causes your proteins to produce amino acids that bind with fat cells. There's also moon phases to consider, because when the moon is full its gravitational pull is stronger than usual, which has a negative effect on neuroplasticity, thereby compelling the ingestion of all food items, and creating a constant craving for sweets and/or buttered movie popcorn. Again, it's all science.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that I have a big project at work and it's stressing me out and I keep stuffing my face and sitting down instead of moving around and drinking too many beers and oh my God it's making me FAT! If only I had a weapon to combat this trend, like, say, mental discipline! If only!

Oh, the humanity!