Skip to main content

Nicole's Guide to Dealing with Nicole when Nicole has PMS

Dealing with a PMS-crazed individual is challenging at best, and extremely painful at worst. Avoidance is typically the most recommended strategy for those who must live with those who go through "that time of the month." However, certain circumstances make it impossible to implement that strategy.

In this post we will discuss very specific ways to deal with a specific PMSing individual: me. For the purposes of constructing a misleading sense of objectivity, I will refer to myself as "the subject." Those who tend to be in the subject's presence during PMS will be designated "the targets."

1: The Subject's Default Modes

The subject exists primarily within the range of two default modes, namely (1) unconscious; and (2) amused. These modes represent a spectrum of emotions that includes: (i) hungry; (ii) annoyed; (iii) smug; and (iv) chatty. When in the two modes, the subject is generally harmless and may actually be considered good company.

2. PMS

However, when the time comes nearer to the subject's luteal phase immediately prior to hemorrhaging, the subject becomes severely agitated, stressed, and combative. Typical warning signs include death glares, an angry tone of voice, cravings for particular foods, fatigue, and an urgent need to have a soft kitty on lap. Snarling for no reason at all is the single most obvious clue that PMS has begun. This stage may last up to two weeks.

3. Coping Strategies

Again, the best method is avoidance. When this option is not viable, be as pleasant and accommodating (BPA) as humanly possible. For example, changes in the subject's environment can cause undue amounts of volcanic fury, changes such as leaving an item -- any item -- on the floor, or leaving unwashed dishes on the table. In this case, the target must take care to be extra neat, or be classified in the subject's mind as a complete waste of space and oxygen, and treated accordingly. This strategy works for targets who are relatives of the subject.

If the target is in a romantic relationship with the subject, the PMS Hug is an excellent addition to BPA. The PMS Hug is not the weeny, pathetic hug you give people when you pretend you're delighted to see them but don't really remember their names. That type of hug will get you punched in the stomach. The PMS Hug is significantly more robust, and has been carefully designed and field-tested. It consists of the target imagining himself as a human straitjacket and clamping his arms around the subject until the subject has sufficiently calmed down. Again, the PMS Hug is an addition to being pleasant and accommodating, not an alternative.

Parents and pets are exempt from the consequences of PMS, and so have no need for coping strategies.

4. Motivations

One question that arises is: why bother? Why is the subject entitled to special treatment during her time of the month? Why not just act normally and let it blow over? Naturally, you are free to choose how to behave when the subject becomes crippled by overwhelming hormonal changes that often cause nausea, migraines, and fatigue. You may choose to join your friends for a drink as the subject weeps softly into her pillow because picking your socks off the floor was nowhere on your priority list. You have the option of throwing a huge party when the subject just wants to sleep because PMS has given her insomnia for three straight nights. You can do all these things, obviously.

I hope you packed your bags for that guilt trip.

5. Conclusion

PMS sucks. For everyone. But mostly for us girls. >:(

Popular posts from this blog

Paint Nite!

Last night I joined the "Oops" Paint Nite event hosted by the Club Cafe in Back Bay. About 12+ people came to relax and have two artists guide them through painting this original work:

The point was not to slavishly duplicate "Oops" -- we were instructed to make it our own, to relax, and not to utter the words, "Mine sucks," "Can you do this for me?" or "I thought this was paint-by-numbers!"

Speaking of dashed hopes, I had assumed that wine was included. I had done something like this before, only it was in the morning and we all got mimosas. Not so here! While the artists were setting up, I schlepped over to the bar and was rewarded with a generous pour of Cabernet. Now I was ready.

The setup: Everyone got a 16" x 20" canvas, three paint brushes, and a palette (a paper plate) with red, yellow, blue, and white paint. One artist (Brian) had the microphone and would paint with us, while the other was the assistant (Kory) who wo…

An International Women's Day Miracle!

Truly, International Women's Day is a special day. No, not because multitudes are out there rallying for our rights and giving voice to the powerless. It is because I won a gift card from a company raffle!

Let me explain why this counts as a minor miracle. You see, I never win anything. I answer every damned survey sent my way, participate in all the raffles, buy lottery tickets -- to no avail. This particular raffle occurred monthly, and I had been faithfully entering my name every month for two years, with no results. Finally, last month, I declared: "No more!" and unsubscribed from the mailing list -- but not before entering one final time, because why not.


There's also some déjà vu at play here. You see, four years ago, I won a gift card from a company raffle. The one fracking time I won anything! I was elated! Shortly thereafter, also on International Women's Day, I was laid off from my job.

Sooooo...since the day's almost over, I guess I'm not…

Get Out (2017)

Get Out has a charismatic lead, a terrific soundtrack, and damn good cinematography. While it’s described as horror/comedy, it’s more disturbing/cringe-y than scary, and I mean that in a good way. This is an entertaining movie that’s also pretty effective as social commentary.

The film stars Daniel Kaluuya as Chris, a photographer who’s about to spend the weekend at his girlfriend Rose’s (Allison Williams) parent’s house. Naturally, it’s in a secluded spot in the woods. When they get there, the awkwardness that might be expected from a first-time meeting gives way to a series of bizarre behaviors and interactions. While Chris initially takes it all in stride, it eventually becomes clear that there’s something sinister going on behind the scenes.

The acting and dialogue are highlights of the film, as is the camera work. In particular, Kaluuya’s eyebrows and head tilts are so expressive that the audience knows what’s going on in his head even as he politely brushes off eccentricities. A…