Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
The Other Sexy
"For women, their list of hot men includes a dad who waits at the corner bus stop with his toddler son and places him on the bus with a kiss atop the head and waves goodbye as the bus drives away. This man could be thirty pounds overweight and wearing a goofy hat. Women will still find him sexy."
It's true. My gender programming is such that I swoon whenever Boyfriend utters these words:
"Can you teach me the recipe of this mango dessert? I'd like to make it sometime."
"I cleaned the house while you were sleeping. Here's breakfast."
"I'll take care of the litter box. You just relax."
"Sure, you can play another 100 hours of Xenoblade."
Ladies, you know what I'm talking 'bout, right? "Sexy" means awesome at life. "Sexy" means considerate. A sexy man cooks, cleans, and cares.
I wonder, is the opposite true for men, i.e. is it all about looks? What I'm really asking is, can my cleavage alone sustain a relationship, with a little help from Victoria's Secret?
-Denis Leary, Why We Suck
It's true. My gender programming is such that I swoon whenever Boyfriend utters these words:
"Can you teach me the recipe of this mango dessert? I'd like to make it sometime."
"I cleaned the house while you were sleeping. Here's breakfast."
"I'll take care of the litter box. You just relax."
"Sure, you can play another 100 hours of Xenoblade."
Ladies, you know what I'm talking 'bout, right? "Sexy" means awesome at life. "Sexy" means considerate. A sexy man cooks, cleans, and cares.
I wonder, is the opposite true for men, i.e. is it all about looks? What I'm really asking is, can my cleavage alone sustain a relationship, with a little help from Victoria's Secret?
Monday, June 18, 2012
Fragrant Elephant Puts On Make-up
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Fragrant Elephant Puts On Make-up
Boston, Mass. -- June 18 -- Claiming to be bowing to pressure from her mother, Boyfriend, and society, obscure blogger Fragrant Elephant applied eye shadow and mascara for a recent event. Her efforts, which she modestly described as "heroic," were cheered by the committee inside her own head, who praised her effusively for not poking out her eyes even though she'd only applied eye make-up once before, possibly for some other event. The invisible committee, composed of the voices of Fragrant Elephant's mother, Boyfriend, and society, also reminded her that this was why she'd gone through Lasik: so people could be wowed by her enhanced eyelashes and limpid brown eyes.
"I told her she needed a regimen," said the blogger's proud mother. "One for during the day, and moisturizers at night. It's very important to not look like a maid." Beaming, Fragrant Mother added: "Now I'm going to send her beauty products in a balikbayan box. Heaven knows she needs them."
"I did not, at any time, tell her that she should put on make-up," said Boyfriend in controlled tones, when reached for an interview. "In fact, I distinctly told her that she should do what makes her happy." Reading from his documented conversations with Fragrant Elephant, he commented: "I can tell you that I had a 10-minute conversation with her about this very topic, and every single answer I gave to her persistent demand of whether I think she should put on make-up has been in unqualified support of her doing whatever she wants."
As of press time, Fragrant Elephant reports no traffic accidents caused by her smoky eyes, but she remains hopeful.
ABOUT FRAGRANT ELEPHANT NEWS
Fragrant Elephant News is the only place for news about all things related to Fragrant Elephant, for obvious reasons.
Fragrant Elephant Puts On Make-up
Boston, Mass. -- June 18 -- Claiming to be bowing to pressure from her mother, Boyfriend, and society, obscure blogger Fragrant Elephant applied eye shadow and mascara for a recent event. Her efforts, which she modestly described as "heroic," were cheered by the committee inside her own head, who praised her effusively for not poking out her eyes even though she'd only applied eye make-up once before, possibly for some other event. The invisible committee, composed of the voices of Fragrant Elephant's mother, Boyfriend, and society, also reminded her that this was why she'd gone through Lasik: so people could be wowed by her enhanced eyelashes and limpid brown eyes.
"I told her she needed a regimen," said the blogger's proud mother. "One for during the day, and moisturizers at night. It's very important to not look like a maid." Beaming, Fragrant Mother added: "Now I'm going to send her beauty products in a balikbayan box. Heaven knows she needs them."
"I did not, at any time, tell her that she should put on make-up," said Boyfriend in controlled tones, when reached for an interview. "In fact, I distinctly told her that she should do what makes her happy." Reading from his documented conversations with Fragrant Elephant, he commented: "I can tell you that I had a 10-minute conversation with her about this very topic, and every single answer I gave to her persistent demand of whether I think she should put on make-up has been in unqualified support of her doing whatever she wants."
As of press time, Fragrant Elephant reports no traffic accidents caused by her smoky eyes, but she remains hopeful.
ABOUT FRAGRANT ELEPHANT NEWS
Fragrant Elephant News is the only place for news about all things related to Fragrant Elephant, for obvious reasons.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Is It Love, or the Drugs?
This morning, Boyfriend commented that with my just-out-of-the-shower hair, I reminded him of "that woman from Last Samurai with the white kimono or whatever that was."
"That woman" is Koyuki. She is so awesome that Japan has deemed her last name unnecessary. In the scene that Boyfriend was talking about, she looks like this:
Meanwhile, I look like this:
Is it love, or the LSD tablets I slip into his aspirin bottle? I think it's both! <3
Disclaimer: This blog does not condone the abuse of LSD for any purposes, even romantic ones. I recommend alcohol instead.
"That woman" is Koyuki. She is so awesome that Japan has deemed her last name unnecessary. In the scene that Boyfriend was talking about, she looks like this:
Meanwhile, I look like this:
Is it love, or the LSD tablets I slip into his aspirin bottle? I think it's both! <3
Disclaimer: This blog does not condone the abuse of LSD for any purposes, even romantic ones. I recommend alcohol instead.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Life's an Onion
Life is an onion. It can make your eyes water as you peel away the layers to reveal the core of your being. This post is about a special kind of life onion: the Onion of Societal Expectations. It's special because I made it up. Behold:
Each item is an onion layer. Let me explain.
Your face: Society is mostly on the lookout for symmetrical features, clear skin, and absolutely no unibrows. At the very least, society expects your face to not look like something that would make a gargoyle go, "Ew."
Your body: Vogue apparently did a roundhouse kick to the current trend of too-skinny models by pledging to promote "healthy" models. You're not off the hook, though. Rolls of fat are only cute in babies. You must be able to fit into an airplane seat. The absence of muffin tops or love handles is also a bonus.
Words: It doesn't have to be your own words. You can regurgitate if you like. But your words must match the current social context, e.g. condolences when tragedy strikes others, protests when rights are being trampled, or snark when trying to conceal raging jealousy. Society approves of such utterances.
Your actions: If you say one thing and do something else, society is disappointed in you. Although in Old Country, society disappoints you.
Level of "success": Society judges, in no particular order: your education, your job, and your kids. The lack of one of these detracts from your "success." Have all three? You get society's stamp of approval.
Net worth: Society usually knows if your net worth is astronomical or somewhere close to the earth's core. For the former, your house/car/trophy lover typically points to material worth. For the latter, when you're that person who goes to a group dinner and tries to get away with over-ordering and underpaying, we know you're either (a) poor, or (b) a cheapo. If (b), your social net worth is waaaay down.
Are you a murderer: Society has made the killing of another human being illegal, because it is wrong. Unless you're in Florida, in which case it's totally okay because it was self-defense.
Why not: We've all considered what life would be like without a specific someone on the planet. If you answer the question with, "Because I don't want to go to jail," or some variant, society considers that fairly normal. If you say, "Because I am one with the human family," it's time to put down the bong. If you say, "I just haven't been caught yet," society will back away from you slowly.
I labelled the scale leaves but not the immature flower on the onion above. It's an allegory for my lack of understanding of the core of the Onion of Societal Expectations, which is too deep and profound for my callow brain. It's also because I ran out of space on the image, darnit.
Advertisement: In today's Fragrant Elephant comic, humans discuss the killing of an endangered animal!
Join me next time for another installment of ELECTIONERD!
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| Today's exquisite artwork brought to you by MS Paint |
Your face: Society is mostly on the lookout for symmetrical features, clear skin, and absolutely no unibrows. At the very least, society expects your face to not look like something that would make a gargoyle go, "Ew."
Your body: Vogue apparently did a roundhouse kick to the current trend of too-skinny models by pledging to promote "healthy" models. You're not off the hook, though. Rolls of fat are only cute in babies. You must be able to fit into an airplane seat. The absence of muffin tops or love handles is also a bonus.
Words: It doesn't have to be your own words. You can regurgitate if you like. But your words must match the current social context, e.g. condolences when tragedy strikes others, protests when rights are being trampled, or snark when trying to conceal raging jealousy. Society approves of such utterances.
Your actions: If you say one thing and do something else, society is disappointed in you. Although in Old Country, society disappoints you.
Level of "success": Society judges, in no particular order: your education, your job, and your kids. The lack of one of these detracts from your "success." Have all three? You get society's stamp of approval.
Net worth: Society usually knows if your net worth is astronomical or somewhere close to the earth's core. For the former, your house/car/trophy lover typically points to material worth. For the latter, when you're that person who goes to a group dinner and tries to get away with over-ordering and underpaying, we know you're either (a) poor, or (b) a cheapo. If (b), your social net worth is waaaay down.
Are you a murderer: Society has made the killing of another human being illegal, because it is wrong. Unless you're in Florida, in which case it's totally okay because it was self-defense.
Why not: We've all considered what life would be like without a specific someone on the planet. If you answer the question with, "Because I don't want to go to jail," or some variant, society considers that fairly normal. If you say, "Because I am one with the human family," it's time to put down the bong. If you say, "I just haven't been caught yet," society will back away from you slowly.
I labelled the scale leaves but not the immature flower on the onion above. It's an allegory for my lack of understanding of the core of the Onion of Societal Expectations, which is too deep and profound for my callow brain. It's also because I ran out of space on the image, darnit.
Advertisement: In today's Fragrant Elephant comic, humans discuss the killing of an endangered animal!
Join me next time for another installment of ELECTIONERD!
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