Plot: As a global data-sharing security initiative threatens the 00 program, 007 must act alone to stop the mastermind behind the evil organization Spectre.
So yes, it's predictable spy stuff, so let's run through the checklist, shall we? Cheers!
1) Chase scene: Occurs early on, and is telegraphed by the large crowd. One must shoulder through a mass of people to heighten the tension, after all, although this one is sandwiched between a spectacular building collapse and helicopter fisticuffs. But somehow, it's still meh.
2) Cheesy intro song: The melody is nice, but the falsetto killed me. I am dead. A ghost is writing this review. Also, the opening video is reminiscent of tentacle hentai, which is a phrase that you should definitely not type into your Google search bar, at work or ever in your life.
3) Sex: Bond chases a lot of leads and rogers any and all women along the way. It is known. But in Spectre, the mutual attraction is inexplicable. In the first instance, there's zero leadup to the bedroom scene, and in the other, the age difference just makes it gross. Hubby's thoery is that Bond has pheromones that overpower judgment. I repeat: gross.
4) Pouty Frenchwoman with sultry gaze: Obligatory, and I support their presence in all movies.
5) Car chase scene: Can't have a "3-billion-pound prototype" (pounds as in currency, not weight) without a high-speed contest, that would be improper. Spectre's was mildly amusing, and Bond's car was the most beautiful thing in the movie.
6) Villain monologuing: Christop Waltz is effective in every role he plays, whether villain or anti-hero, because his delivery is so charming. But in Spectre, his character explains to Bond (and the audience) all of his reasons for going down his path of evil...thus buying 007 time to escape his restraints. Le sigh.
7) Elaborate death trap: It's enormous and booby-trapped, and the odds of our hero escaping are slim to none! Blah blah blah, obviously he gets out.
8) Obvious mole: As soon as his enormous forehead and evil eyebrows enter the room, you know he's a rat. He also deserved a more satisfying death, but I'll give that a pass because I don't care.
I'll stop here because the Pats just beat the Giants by one point and I'm feeling magnanimous. I did like a number of things about this movie, such as:
a) Bond brought a twin engine plane to a car fight;
b) Bond's relentless fake cheeriness at his coworkers;
c) Dave Bautista's badass character;
e) SERIOUSLY I WANT THAT CAR.
It's too bad that Spectre didn't live up to the standard set by its immediate predecessor, Skyfall, which did everything right: the theme song, the emotional depth, the character development, the scary villain, the tense action, and the grim victory.
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