Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Babies = Kitties or Puppies? An Analysis [UPDATED]

Human infants are typically known for being adorable, helpless, and a major impediment to parental slumber. Kitties are soft, playful, and make good companions. They also have an unfortunate habit of walking across freshly laundered items of clothing.

Some human adults compare babies to cats. The reasoning, I believe, goes like this: babies are small and cute, cats are small and cute, therefore babies = cats.

However, after a series of randomized controlled trials, systematic reviews, and meta-analysis, we have come to the conclusion that babies = puppies. Our findings are summarized in the Venn diagram below:

The characteristics exclusive to babies are at the top of the diagram: their hypnotic powers over grandmothers, overnight transformation from raisin-goblins into rosy-cheeked cherubs, and so on. Babies are also magnets for phrases such as, "It's so great when they're at that age," delivered in wistful tones (or frenzied tones, if the other human is currently raising teenagers). This is because little babies are utterly helpless and need caregivers for the simplest tasks, such as wiping their drool or cleaning their butts.

This last is shared with puppies, who are also very enthusiastic producers of saliva and are not able to discard of their solid wastes. Like babies, puppies depend upon their caregivers and are actually capable of gratitude, unlike cats. However, puppies are much more mobile than babies, so they can over-express their affection and also act out a baby's desire, which is to put things in its biggest face-hole. Puppies only need to wait a couple of weeks for their first set of teeth to come in, so they can chew rubber bands, shoes, hand grenades, and your other personal items with abandon.

On the opposite end of the spectrum are cats, who typically only deign to acknowledge their human companions when food is being offered. Cats will spend hours every day cleaning themselves, possibly to be charmingly presentable when the media come to ask about how their human "tripped over his/her own feet" while holding an open can of tuna. Cat claws are terribly sharp and retractable, so be very still when kitty is stroking your cheek, unless you want your good looks shredded.

Both cats and dogs can be playful, which is not true of all babies, who are concentrating on the process of revealing their personalities like a butterfly emerging from chrysalis. Maybe little Hashtag is super serious, and that's why she keeps staring solemnly at you while you make faces at her. On the plus side, no matter the personality type, your baby will certainly not walk over your fresh laundry and shed fur all over it. Some babies do have hair that falls out (e.g., my own Junior was born with back hair, like a baby werewolf), but these are virtually unnoticeable.

All three small creatures possess cuteness in spades, they are indifferent to your sleep schedule, and their farts are surprisingly toxic despite the relatively small size of their intestines. We can only surmise that Intestinal Gas, Inc. is an equal-opportunity stinker.

After thorough study of the above facts, our team calculated that there are 300% more bullet points within the intersection of Baby and Puppy than within the intersection of Baby and Kitty, thereby conclusively proving that babies = puppies.

This post brought to you by the power of Greyskull!

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