Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Stop Taking Multivitamins!

I stopped taking multivitamins around the time I transitioned to Whole Paycheck Foods for my grocery shopping. Previously, I was a religious pill-popper, taking my handy compacted supplements every day at breakfast time. Then, one day, as I was fussily oscillating between a $25 bottle versus a $14 one of Whole Food Women's One Daily Multivitamin, something inside me threw up its hands and said: MEH.

From that day forth, I got my vitamins and minerals from actual foods. I transferred my adoration to Michelle Obama and went to myplate.gov to see what I should put in my face. After a thorough, two-second review of the entire site, I created my very own daily plate usually consisting of the following :



...You get the idea. And yes, I drink beer daily, doncherknow it's a requirement for Boston residents?

Anyhooters, science has finally vindicated my bold lifestyle move of completely replacing daily supplements with a tasty combination of water, yeast, malt, and hops! This article describes three new studies that have experts abuzz with tsk-tsk sounds for multivitamin believers. Since 'tis the season for giving, I shall handily summarize the studies for you:

Study 1:
n = 6,000 males over age 65
t = 12 years
Method: Battery of tests every few years to check memory function
Findings: No difference between control group and focus group
Caveat: 9% decreased risk of cataracts, 8% reduced risk of cancer compared to placebo group

Study 2:
n = 1,700 heart attack survivors
t = 55 months
Method: Daily regimen of high doses of vitamins and minerals or placebo pills
Findings: Pill fatigue; no difference in deaths, second heart attacks, strokes, or serious chest pain

Study 3:
n = 27 studies on vitamin and mineral supplements with over 450,000 people
t = Probably a long time, like the attention span of a Baby Boomer
Method: Research review by U.S. Preventive Services Task Force
Findings: No evidence that supplements offer benefits for heart disease or can delay death from any cause; minimal benefit for cancer risk

AHA! AHA! I win because science!!!!

"But Fragrant Elephant," you protest, "the study populations have statistically significant health baselines from a vibrant young pachyderm such as yourself!"

To which I respond--First of all, you just made up the term "health baselines," because you have no idea what that means.

Second, why am I talking to myself? The snow swirling outside my window must be responsible for my extra helpings of silliness.

This post brought to you by IT'S ALMOST CHRISTMAS VACATION AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!

No comments:

Post a Comment