Tuesday, May 21, 2013


I got myself a Mr. Fragrant Elephant last Saturday!

Preparations went smoothly. The rehearsal dinner saw my friends mingling, my family hiding in a corner, and one drunken speech. Everyone was on time for the ceremony rehearsal the next morning. My mom-in-law and sisters-in-law shuttled me to a salon for a relaxing massage before my mani-pedi. Afterwards, my maid of honor and two bridesmaids got me made up, got my hair did, and stuffed me in my dress in time for the pre-ceremony photographs on the beach, where only one tree attacked me.

The wedding itself was a nerd bonanza. The flower girl, having been rigorously trained for a month leading to the wedding, made it all the way to the front, lured by her mom's dragon hand puppet. I walked down the aisle to The Legend of Zelda theme, arranged for orchestra, of course. One cousin commented that she felt her hands involuntarily grasp for a controller when she heard the music.

Our officiant, Dave, started out with, "Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us together here today." Then he described the Fragrant Elephants' love story using Neil Gaiman's words. He quoted from Babylon 5. He chose a reading from Lord of the Rings. He talked about the Wheel of Time when we went to put on our rings.

Right before our kiss, he surprised us by reading again from The Princess Bride: "There have been five great kisses since 1642 B.C. ... (before then couples hooked thumbs.) And the precise rating of kisses is a terribly difficult thing, often leading to great controversy... But I know the Fragrant Elephants will leave them all behind."


Oh, and I inserted the word "ninja" into my wedding vows. Because that's how I roll.

A lot of people said that what they would remember most about the wedding was how much I laughed my ass off.

The reception went by quickly. I took to the center of the dance floor when "Asereje" by Las Ketchup came on, but ran away after. I lost, and recovered, an earring over the course of the evening. I couldn't walk two feet without people launching themselves at me, so I implemented a policy of hugging anyone within arm's length and then gliding away like a swan. The analogy works because like a swan's, my feet were kicking frantically under my voluminous dress.

We ended the night with a beach bonfire. It was perfect.

I discovered the next day that our florist had placed the boutonni√®res in an unmarked brown baggie, so neither set of parents got to wear theirs. The groomsmen had no flowers for their lapel. I was pissed, but calmed down by making everyone put them on anyway. At least we used 'em! We had to stop by the florist to return their basket, so Mr. Fragrant Elephant walked in and gave constructive criticism -- something along the lines of, "When people are getting ready for a wedding and it's a madhouse, it might be helpful to label things so we know what they are."

So, in conclusion: weddings are fun! Now invite me to yours.

Let me close with this poster...

Pictures courtesy of my cousin MiscellaneousJill.

...and this exchange between Mr. Fragrant Elephant and Fragrant Mother.

"What's the return policy for your daughter again?"

"You must return within twenty-four hours."


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