Movie Review: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 is AWFUL. The "plot" barely existed, the "dialogue" and "acting" consisted entirely of meaningful glances shared between cast members, and the music was almost as overblown as Michael Sheen's scenery-chewing. Yet this wreck of a film made $829,224,737 worldwide. Yes, over eight hundred MILLION dollars. Inconceivable!

The story, such as it is, goes like this: blank slate with hair Bella Swan finally becomes a vampire after her vampire husband Edward injects her with his venom to save her life after he extracted their half-vampire baby from her body via C-section using his teeth. You'd think that they would cherish the little monster, what with all the agony they went through to bring her into the world. No. Instead they go hunting all day, then go into their new home and make the beast with two backs all night. Ah, the carefree life of teenage parents!

Then some blonde with a grudge catches sight of the freakish CGI child, who grows by the day. Blonde reports to the Volturi, the vampire Mafia / Catholic Church allegory. Apparently, the Volturi don't like "immortal children," and would love an excuse to destroy the Cullen coven anyway, so Bella and Edward gather witnesses all over the world to prove that their child is half-human. Then they have a climatic showdown with the ominously caped Volturi. Who will prevail?

Oh, and Taylor Lautner took his shirt off. "OH, COME ON!" Fiancé bellowed, drowning out the sound of my labia clapping.

Fiancé and I saw Breaking Dawn Part 2 with RiffTrax, an audio file that syncs to the movie. Having RiffTrax point out the awfulness of the movie is the only way to watch the final Twilight movie without clawing out your eyeballs to make it stop. The track made us howl with laughter at their repeated questions of, "Don't they have a child?"; their relentless faux fop accents for the Volturi; cries of "Raccoon Power!"; pointed comments about werewolf pedophilia; and more!

Bottom line: watch Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 if you have RiffTrax! If you don't have RiffTrax and you're not a fan, or if you're open-minded but have standards, avoid at all costs.

This movie review brought to you by a banana with peanut butter: the perfect mid-morning snack!