Wednesday, February 6, 2013

A Tribute to Sailor Moon

Language School Application – Personal Statement

Young women deserve a powerful role model to emulate as they join the struggle for equality. That model is Ms. Naoko Takeuchi’s ultimate creation: Sailor Moon. My one-woman campaign to introduce the Sailor Moon series to the next generation of strong women hinges upon achieving fluency in Japanese. I humbly ask the Sunshine-Sunshine Japanese Language School to consider my application.

Sailor Moon would teach girls the values of love, friendship, justice, and microskirts—the supreme expression of feminine freedom. Sailor Moon and her Sailor Scouts fought off alien invaders, defended the entire galaxy, and routinely sacrificed their lives so that humanity may be saved. Like Jesus, Sailor Moon always came back from the dead. Unlike Jesus, she got right back to work preaching the good news of girl power. She eventually became Queen of Crystal Tokyo, and used her magic crystal to build her own palace. Sailor Moon is the ideal woman: compassionate, resilient, and armed with a solid understanding of mineral-based architecture.

Sadly, the North American TV version of Sailor Moon strayed too far from the creator’s original intent. The first prominent example includes the unforgiveable alteration of Sailors Neptune and Uranus into cousins. In the manga, they are sixteen-year-old lesbian lovers in a stable, long-term relationship. I shudder to think that impressionable girls might believe that they must hide their passion by pretending to be incestuous family members!

Next, DiC Entertainment Anglicized the character’s names in an utterly mystifying fashion. For example, how did Sailor Moon’s beau, Tuxedo Mask, get his civilian name changed from Mamoru to Darien? “Mamoru” in Japanese means “to protect,” whereas “Darien” inevitably reminds viewers of the Darien Pocket Gopher, a rodent native to Panama. How can a girl swoon properly over Tuxedo Mask saving Sailor Moon in every single episode whilst also envisaging a furry, whiskered creature stuffing food into its cheek pouches?

Finally, the promotion of the transgender Sailor Starlights into protagonists in the final season is atrocious. Their actual role in the manga consisted of being badly-dressed minor characters. But on TV, they fought alongside Sailor Moon in her epic battle against Chaos itself. Granted, the Sailor Starlights’ attractive androgyny contributed to the overall sexual tension—a must in any self-respecting series. However, in battle, they wore ill-fitting bikini tops and what can only be described as leather boxer briefs. They do not strike fear into the hearts of evildoers. Nor do they inspire lust—another must in a story meant to empower young ladies. Saving the galaxy requires impeccable fashion sense, and so the Sailor Starlights and their hideous outfits should be rejected as role models.

I hope to use the Sunshine-Sunshine Japanese Language School’s immense resources—including its world-renowned faculty, ultramodern library, and campus in the heart of downtown Inaka—to become the North American authority on all things Sailor Moon. In conjunction with my formal studies, I will read all Sailor Moon manga, magazine specials, and puff pieces; watch the TV show and Takeuchi-sensei’s interviews; and even subject myself to the stage musicals.

Once I have purist knowledge of all things Sailor Moon, I will return to the US and begin exposing DiC Entertainment’s botch-job through viral campaigns on YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, Google+, FourSquare, LinkedIn, MySpace, Friendster, and LiveJournal. I will post tweets, statuses, and videos with accurate translations and thoughtful analyses. I will reveal to the masses the true message of Sailor Moon while deftly eluding copyright laws. I know Sailor Moon herself would approve, for the justice of the universe transcends all.

With the help of the Sunshine-Sunshine Japanese Language School, the women leaders of tomorrow will be introduced to the transformative magic of Sailor Moon; learn from its many lessons; and lead fruitful, fulfilling, and alien-free lives.


The Rumpus - Funny Women Blogs rejected the above piece, while The Mary Sue and McSweeney's Internet Tendency ignored it. Why? Because they have taste.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be in the corner huddled in the fetal position.

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