Thursday, January 17, 2013

Men are from MACS-0647 JD

Remember Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? Remember how enraptured we all were at the oversimplification of supposedly gender-determined characteristics and habits? Remember our delight at discovering that the sexes can be placed into categorized boxes, and therefore all our differences can finally—finally!—be understood?

Okay, okay, you guessed it—I never read it. But my mom did! Also, I looked at the cover. That’s why I’m being a smug bastard about it, despite the fact that it’s really just a common sense manual for communication and mutual respect in relationships. Incidentally, did you know author John Gray got his PhD from a non-accredited, now-defunct university, via correspondence course? Hells yeah! The shortest distance between you and your doctorate is a diploma mill!

Moving on.

I’m a bookworm. Books are my friends. But now that I’m older, I realize that experience is probably the best teacher. Still, sweeping generalizations are super fun, especially combined with a clever title alluding to irreconcilability via the allegory of separate planets, with a bonus nod to ancient gods. In honor of the continued success of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, I will now make my own extremely generalized conclusions about male behavior, based on the men in my life.

By the way, in case you're not a giant nerd, the title of this post refers to the farthest known galaxy in the universe.

Let's move on again. The topic is Men. Go.

#1: Their Priorities are Effed

Comedian Bill Maher said it best: a man can have a tumor, something bad literally growing out of his body, and he’ll go, “I shall make it my very sixth priority!” Dudes will ignore torn ligaments, chronic swollen sinuses, an infected cut, and all manner of alarming things because they have other things to do. What things, you ask? They’ll usually say they have to work. Work > health. So there.

Guys also rarely prioritize cleanliness and hygiene. I once asked a friend why he always left his socks on the floor, and he replied, “It’s just not on my list of things to do.” I guess in this case he assumed it was on his girlfriend’s list? If so, I hope that isn’t why FiancĂ©’s home office looks like a tornado made of cats blows through it every day.

Guys are responsive to numbers, though, so they pay their bills on time. Maybe us gals should cite more statistics, like, “Of the violent crimes performed last year, 12% involved socks left on the floor leading to golf clubs to the head.” Yeah, that’ll work.

#2: They Can’t Multitask

Men can’t do a thing and do something else at the same time. It shorts their circuits. This is why guys at the gym take so long to finish with the equipment – they have to stop, sit, and find the right song for that bodybuilding moment. And then they listen to it. And god forbid a Words with Friends notification comes through. They can sit there forever, because they’re so focused on the one thing they’re doing.

Then there are guys who have learned the trick of repeating what you said at key moments so it seems like they’re listening when they were really thinking about their car. The way to beat this trick is to insert something egregious, like, “Today I told my boss her office smells like feet and she gave me a Tootsie Roll.” Or something about having babies for breakfast. Or just say, "I'm pregnant." That'll do the job, guaranteed.

But in any case, make sure you have his full attention first before you enchant him with every single detail of your day. Guys love that. They really, really do.

#3: Their Telepathy is Broken

Modern female humans communicate via intonation, body language, meaningful glances, and timed laughter. Meanwhile, guys use words. So when a harried woman hosting a party waves an unopened bottle of wine at her husband, he will still need to hear: “Please open this bottle of wine, I am too busy doing everything else.”

Of course, if you’re waving an empty glass, you’ll need to state whether you want it refilled or put away. But ideally, he would know. If only man-telepathy worked!

#4: They Don't Understand Their Roles as Exes 

See An open letter to all ex-boyfriends on behalf of all your ex-girlfriends, by the irrepressible Catherinette. I second her with a hearty, "Hmpf!" 


I’m sure I can come up with more ridiculous observations profound insights about men, but alas, it’s lunch time. 

If you insist that I write a similar list for women, there's really only one item: 

#1 and Only: We're Crazy.

Please remember to drink responsibly, as tonight is Three Drinks Thursday.