Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Bowling Sucks

My company just had its holiday party yesterday. We had a bowling tournament, and a lot of people signed up. I got out of joining by reminding the organizers that I was one of the few women who volunteered to play basketball when we had our summer office sport event. But the real reason I opted out is that I think bowling sucks.

Let's examine this activity. You fling a heavy ball onto a flat wooden surface with the goal of knocking down ten pins. You get two chances to knock down as many pins as you can, then it's someone else's turn. To be the bomb at bowling, you practice your ball release techniques, which are limited to a grand total of two. You can swing it straight and hope for the best, but the ball will usually gravitate to the gutter. Or you can do a fancy hook move, crossing one leg behind the other as you release. This makes you look like a penguin with a hip problem.

Then you need to master a delivery style. Wikipedia says there are three. Basically, it's these: fling it, spin it, or fling-spin it. Fiancé says he does a combination hook-spin, and I have no idea what he looks like when he does it, because I avert my eyes to preserve his dignity.

I see you shaking your head and thinking that I hate bowling because I suck at it. I do. But bowling sucked at me first. I've played enough of this travesty to know it's a waste of my time.

Why would you play a game with a ball that does not involve parabolas? That's just lazy. Basketball, football, ping-pong, heck, even badminton -- all these fabulous games require that you move to a spot and select an angle from which to launch a sweet, sweet parabolic strike that will destroy your foes. Soccer half-sucks because most of the time they kick it across the ground. Snore. The game gets exciting when someone kicks the ball at another player's head or chest, or when a player does that thing where he flips upside down to shin the ball into the goal. Now that is some delicious aerodynamics.

In short, the only way to lure me to a bowling alley is to promise me food and beer. Then I will eat and drink and cheer you on. I hope you understand that it's not you. It's bowling. Or to use its anagram: it's blowing. And not in a good way.

Let's just play pétanque, okay? Or better yet, let's just watch The Big Lebowski.

This rant is brought to you by Tequila Tuesdays.

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