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How to Lose or Gain Weight

My body has undergone various changes due to my lifelong love affair with food. In Manila, my diet consisted of rice, pork, and the occasional vegetable dish smothered in bagoong (shrimp paste). Owing to her love of crab, Fragrant Mother implemented Seafood Sundays to balance out the red meats.

After high school, I went to Canada and discovered chocolate bars and bagged milk in dispensers. I exploded into a 5'3 brown Pikachu. The kindest comment I received after returning home came from a former teacher: "My, you look...healthy!" My old choir mistress goggled at me and said, "Is this what you've become?" My family, of course, went straight for the jugular: "You're fat!"

In Middlebury College, there were Napoleons, make-your-own-waffles, burgers, pizza, and all the other stuff I piled on my tray as I walked briskly past the salad bar. I also spent a year in Japan and ate pretty much just rice and fish. Then graduate school happened, and I joined the ranks of the depressed and lost 10 lbs. in one week. But! I got help, graduated, and became a Member of Society.

Now I'm a gym rat, with a tailored fitness regimen and everything. But before that, I lived the life of the bachelorette, and ate whatever I wanted because caring was for noobs.

What I'm trying to say is, I know the best stuff to eat and drink if you want to gain or lose weight, all from that indisputable source of wisdom: personal experience! I've had so many relationships with so many foods that it would be selfish not share. Here, I offer you a sample of the diet plans I would craft just for you, should you be foolish desperate smart enough to ask my advice.

The More-to-Love Diet
If you're a beanpole and you want your partner/random strangers to have more of you to love, simply eat these food items every day:

That's right -- at least once per day, eat bacon, mozzarella, and top it off with a generous slice of pastry. I guarantee you will see results within a couple of weeks. I certainly did. Bonus points if you have an avocado shake after every lunch, too.

Pro of this diet: It really, really works!
Con of this diet: Likely early death due to health complications.

The Scary-Skinny Diet
This diet is designed to scare the living daylights out of your own mother. Eat nothing for a week. If you feel hungry, drink red wine.When your face shrinks to the same size as when you were a child, it's time to get professional help. This diet is described for warning purposes only; I don't recommend it. At all.

Pro of this diet: Tested and verified by yours truly!
Con of this diet: It means you're crazy.

The Sensible Diet
Apparently, getting the body you want is 80% diet, 20% exercise. After working out for a couple of months,  I think the ratio is more 70-30 for me. But I do eat really healthy these days. I only ever have two drinks (unless it's Debate Night!), eat broccoli or spinach or other leafy greens every day, substitute beef with tofu and beans, and I make a mean blueberry-banana breakfast shake with non-fat plain yogurt and lactose-free milk.

The result:

I know it's a crappy, grainy shot, but there are abs in there, I swear. This is all the more gratifying because my body fat, according to calipers, was 30% as of two months ago. I bet I'm like, 28% by now! Woooooooo!!!

FYI, my fitness goal is to build lean muscle, increase core strength, and improve posture. So I lift weights--10 lbs for triceps, 45 lbs for row pull, 65 lbs for leg extensions, 8 lbs for when you're kind of doing a plank and yanking weights up to chest level, and 5 lbs for when you bend at the waist but keep your back straight and flap your arms like the slowest butterfly on earth. I also do Bosu push-ups and a couple other things with an exercise ball that centers around my not toppling over onto the floor, by using my core muscles.

In conclusion:
  1. Eat foods like cured meat, cheeses high in saturated fat, and pastries if you want to gain weight.
  2. Eat white meat, beans, nuts, leafy greens, and fruits if you want to be healthy.
  3. Exercise, for God's sake.
  4. Drink as much as you want! MWAHAHAHAHA
That is all.

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