Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Watch Out for Obsessive People

Personal experience has taught me that video games increase hand-eye coordination, self-confidence, and analytic skills. Thanks to years of gaming, I can throw with accuracy (e.g. rolled-up socks near my cat to get her off my work clothes), maintain excellent posture (boobs out, chin up, neck immobile), and coolly analyze whether or not purchase items ("Will this help me save the world? No? Then the money stays in the wallet, thank you.").

Did I study Japanese just so I can play Japanese RPGs (role playing games) in Japanese? Did I study abroad in Japan just so I can buy original Japanese-language GameBoy games? Did I buy an obscene amount of video game soundtracks during my Japanese adventure in Kyoto? No, those are just rumors. Also, have I used "Japanese" enough in one paragraph? I didn't think so. Japanese.

You see, I am a gamer. A special gamer. I'm a connoisseur of classic Final Fantasy games, meaning FFI through FFVI, none of that 3D CGI cut scene crap that started with the worldwide hit, FFVII. (Confession: I played FFVIII, eek! But only because it had a romance as its main plot for some reason.)

Sweet, right? 
Nay, give unto me your little pixelated 2D characters who save the world to exciting midi music. I shall partake of the turn-based battle scenes and the top-view camera angles in dungeons and world maps. Verily, my weapons of choice shall consist of bows and arrows, katanas, shurikens, claws, offensive-type white magic, and the occasional summons. My SNES emulator shall bequeath to me all the joys I desire! In a very legal way, surely!

I was happily drowning in the world of Old School and Low Tech (lifetime president: my mom) when Square Enix aka God decided to port Final Fantasy III to the iPhone. THE IPHONE!!! My trusted companion, who faithfully records my every calendar appointment, dutifully makes phone calls, and gently awakens me every morning. My little "iPad Mini," who doubles as a flashlight and is unfazed at being dropped into my cat's water bowl. Is it possible?

IT IS!!!

The hikari no senshi (Heroes of Light) pose after pwning monsters.
EEEEEEEEEEE!!!! LOOK HOW CUTE!!! They look like little dolls, even when stabbing enormous bloodthirsty creatures! I wanna hug 'em and squeeze 'em and call 'em George! They're so cute, in fact, that I ignored the statistical advantages and disadvantages of certain job types, and instead critically evaluated levels of Adorable. I mean, just look at this handy Jobs Chart:

Read about Final Fantasy and feminism here, where I got the photo.

It's like playing dress-up, while hacking ad slashing and exploring! Ahhh, fantasy. It is so... what is the word I'm looking for... fantastic. I've been playing this sucker for over 20 hours now, and it has directly caused me to miss my train stop at least twice. However, real life intervened: a higher-up heard that I studied East Asian history and came at me yesterday with a book about North Korea, saying meaningfully, "I can't wait to talk to you about it," and since she's an attorney who treats conversations like cross-examinations, you better believe I'm reading this book like it's my job.

Don't worry, Heroes of Light, soon enough we will enter the mandatory final dungeon and save the world!

And after that, it's off to conquer the next game!