Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Twilight Cured My Cold

...or it may have been the copious amounts of ginger tea, green tea, water, aspirin, and comfort food that I steadily consumed yesterday. I was like an eating/drinking machine at work. But let's go back to the beginning.

It all started this weekend. I was still giggling in delight from having a new job. I went running twice in the strangely balmy November weather. I was in the pink of health. Similarly, Sheba showed signs of kitty strength -- as opposed to when she sneezed in everyone's face on a regular basis. Per our weekend tradition, she and I went to Boyfriend's house and girlishly twirled around. For a change, Oscar looked on without hissing.

Oscar secretly wants to join in.
Meanwhile, Boyfriend had been sneezing all week, and I have no idea where he would have gotten the cold virus, since he doesn't have a girlfriend who goes into the subway every day and comes into contact with stranger germs, and then touches everything in his apartment. Oh wait, he does. But it might have been someone else, is all I'm saying. So anyway, he finally succumbed, and spent Saturday on the couch, feeble and coughing, as Sheba and I cavorted and demanded food and attention. This was after he somehow ended up cooking dinner for two the night before, despite my energetic volunteering to cook. Hey, the beers won't drink themselves, and I only have two hands, am I painting a clear picture?

I can only do handstands in comics.
He appeared on the road to recovery on Sunday, and continued to steadfastly refuse my smooch attempts as a health precaution. Well, it failed! I spent Monday at work looking like this:

Situation not helped at all by Aunt Flow's visit.
So while he spent Monday gambling with his siblings (who ganged up on me last night by texting me messages with atrociously bad grammar), I decided to honor the Friday opening of Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 1 by watching the first movie in the series. And omg, it was delicious. Deliciously cheesy and campy. I'd only seen it once, on DVD, and my old roommates and I spent so much time making fun of it that I don't really remember the plot and dialogue. Having watched Twilight solo, I can tell you that it has therapeutic properties. My sinuses cleared up after I laughed so hard at the horrible CGI, the teenage awkwardness, the expression of painful constipation on  RPat's face, and KStew's seizures, I mean dramatic exhalations. Have you seen a Stephenie Meyer vampire in sunlight? The way he builds up the big reveal, I was sort of hoping he would have a tail, or develop a super deformed outer shell that protects his undead skin from those pesky UV rays. No, he sparkles like a diamond. In sunlight. Hello?

[Insert rant about how Twilight ruined vampires by turning them into weaksauce cautionary tales about the dangers of premarital sex. Cite powerful examples of vampires from previous films, including Interview with a Vampire, Bram Stoker's Dracula, and Nosferatu, films that portray vampires as lonely, conflicted creatures with great capacity for evil. Argue that vampires represent violence, desire, the loss of innocence, and blood lust, rather than Those Who Fight for Tofu.]

[Insert counterargument about how totally hot Rob Pattinson is so none of that matters.]


The main character in Twilight is called Blandy McBoringpants, nickname Bella, and her vampire beau is Everton Repressedsen, aka Edward. But you know who makes Twilight totally worth it? This man:

He sports a daddy mustache in the film, but boy is he a cutie when he shaves it off. Billy Burke's low-key performance as the main character's father is so charming, so manly in a quiet, sweet way. AND he's a musician.

...Where was I? Oh, yes. I feel better today, and can only conclude that Twilight cured my cold. I'm sure it has nothing to do with my resiliency, heroic immune system, consumption of medicine and healthy food and drinks, or the warm cat parked on my chest the whole night. No, it was Twilight. Team Edward forever!!!!!!!!!

Summer Book Recommendations