Oh, Well

This is how my 10-minute phone interview should have gone:

HR Person

Tell me about your work at BOOBS.

Me (smoothly)

As Impressive-Sounding Title, I oversee all aspects of the Propaganda Making process, from preparation to submission to reporting. I am also manager of the Online Propaganda Machine.

HR Person

Do you have a direct report?

Me (smoothly)

Not at this time. This is a very collaborative office.

HR Person

Why do you want to leave your current job? 

Me (smoothly)

I'm looking to work in a new environment. I want to apply my skills in a different capacity and meet new people. And since I've worked at this start-up for several years now, I would like to work in a stable company.

HR Person

Why our company?

Me (smoothly)

There are two reasons. First, this job seems to be a strong match to my skills and experience. Second, I'm attracted to mission-driven organizations, and I think your company has a set of core values that is very impressive.

HR Person

What are your salary requirements?

Me (smoothly)

Ideally, I'd like to earn more than my current salary. I don't have a solid understanding of the salary ranges in corporate for this position. I'm open to offers based on compensation and the benefits package.

HR Person

When would you be available for an in-person interview, if you were selected?

Me (smoothly)

Let's do lunch. I'll pay.

HR Person

OMG, totally.

This is how my interview actually went:

HR Person

Tell me about your work at BOOBS.

Me (stammering)

Uh, I am, uh, Impressive Sounding Title, and I, um, do stuff. But first I wasn't doing this stuff on the ad. I did other stuff for a year. But then I came back and did it again. Also I got a promotion in April. Also I do website stuff.

...

HR Person

I think I need to clarify a common misconception, which is that that we're a non-profit. We're not...

Me (interrupting)

I know that. (mentally beats self up for interrupting interviewer)

HR Person

...not a non-profit. We're corporate. (Gives details about company and position so I don't have to ask like the jackass that I am.)

...

HR Person

I'll forward your resume to the Department Manager and you might hear back from us today or next week.

Me (enthusiastic)

Thank you very much! 

HR Person

Have a great weekend!

Me (borderline manic)

okthxbai

Oh, well. It was good practice. Get up just one more time after you're knocked down. Earn your attitude. Learn your platitudes. Yeahhhhh.

Thank God It's Friday.