Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Cover letter - Janitor

Dear Hiring Manager,

I am keenly interested in the Janitor position you posted on your website. I attach my resume and hope my experience and credentials match your needs. After reading the information on your site, I am energized and enthused at the prospect of vacuuming your office floors and emptying your trash cans.

As background, I am Associate Director of Despair for the Best Organization Of Boston Society (BOOBS). I am responsible for reminding everyone that we work under the direction of an unethical employer who is also a disastrous manager and administrator. A typical day for me would consist of waltzing into my colleagues' offices, offering them chocolate, and then informing them of the latest near-criminal act of the man we all work for, such as influencing a high-ranking government official to revoke a rival's visa, or directly causing the resignations of 80% of the Board of Directors, who incidentally are 50% of our revenue stream. When my colleagues start weeping into their Hershey Bar, I know that I have succeeded.

I love handling garbage. In my three years at BOOBS, I have shoveled vast amounts of it down the throats of potential funders, some of whom were so overwhelmed that they gave us money to go away. I can sweep under the rug unpleasant facts about mismanagement and incompetence, and would be delighted to do the same for the dust bunnies in your office. I also only drink coffee in my own home, so you need not be concerned about my using the company credit card to buy soy chai lattes at Starbucks on a regular basis.

I am extremely detail-oriented--a skill vital to ensuring that all parts of our Office Propaganda Machine work properly. I am passionate about health and think that pushing a vacuum cleaner around your office will help me achieve my fitness goals. This position seems to be ideal for my background and interests, and I hope you consider my application as you move forward with filling this position.

Thank you very much for your consideration.

Faceless Employee

Movie Review: Hereditary (2018)