Monday, August 22, 2011

Happy Monday!

If you're a VAMPIRE!

Those of you who really know me know that I am a vampire (a modern one, not a bloodsucking one with too many clothes on). We vamps prey on the weak and vulnerable. We do it not for dramatic tension, but because we are too lazy intelligent to go after the ones who can fight back. For example, if your energy levels are down, you're in the perfect state for me to absorb what's left of your energy, making me extremely hyper and annoying. If you're unhappy, I become obscenely cheerful because I am sucking away your remaining happiness. If you've had a lucky streak, I will shove you face first in the mud and cackle vampirically.

These acts are usually enough to give meaning to my hollow life of mindless environmental conservation, cat adoration, eating, and ruthless old-school video game conquests. Yes, even today, when folks over in management are walking around with doom clouds over their heads and lightning flashing out of their eyes while you meekly try to solve their IT issues. Our current bosses are fabulous people: focused, intelligent, methodical, and ethical (!). We all thought they would take over from Evil Overlord, but alas! the problem with evil overlords is, they don't take not being all-powerful too well. Look for the details in a future post.

Now our entire staff is demoralized, which is where I step in as a well-meaning vampire. As the air-to-epidermis osmosis kicked in and I commenced my intake of office depression, my vampiric non-blood cells began to convert the negative energy into insightful thoughts, like: This is an opportunity to evaluate my career and what I ultimately want in life; and I am so blessed to have worked with these great people except for that one backstabber; and At least I got my childhood wish of having a job, an apartment, and a cat; and Nothing lasts forever; and Live the life that makes you proud; and Be kind.

I'm so glad the internet exists so you can also benefit from my hundreds of years (hummingbird time) of wisdom as a vampire. You're welcome. If you want more, you know where to find me... right behind you.