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Cat vs Human

Sheba: In the Darkness, Water

I crouched under the bed, shouting defiantly at my tormentor in the pre-dawn light. I am growing old; my memory does not reach so far; and so I cannot understand what triggered this attack. I can only stay here, safe from the waters of rage, and cry out, stop! stop! I am innocent!

When Current Human Person (or "CHumP") whisked me away from the Big Place with Cold Floors to the Tiny Smelly Place, and now to this Nice New Place, I thought we had reached a level of harmony that pointed to our long and warm companionship. I let CHumP know whenever it was time for her to pet me; and CHumP seemed perfectly content to have me on her lap after she came back from wherever she goes during the day. I always used my litter box properly, and she had an array of brushes to help with the all-important task of keeping me clean and shiny.

The only point of contention between us is that she insists on a regular feeding schedule of once in the morning and once in the evening, instead of what nature intended: free feeding. But we had worked that out, I thought -- we would communicate, so she would know whenever my food dish content was unacceptably low. This arrangement has worked, up to this point.

From whence does this water come? What instrument of torture is this? What compels my dear human to take up arms against me?

Nicole: STFU! 

Seriously, cat? You wake me up at two in the morning and then at five in the morning and not expect a spray bottle aimed at your face? Get out from under the bed -- now! now! -- and for God's sake stop meowing! Whaddaya think this water's for? STOP THAT BLOODY MEOWING!

Sheba: I am a Burmese Cat, and My Genetic Code Compels Me!

MEOW! MEOW! meow! meow! meow! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! meowmeowmeow! MEOW! MEOW! meowwwwww! MEOW! MEOW! meow! meow! meow! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! meowmeowmeow! MEOW! MEOW! meowwwwww!!!!!!!

Nicole: OMFG I'm Gonna Kill You!

I can't spray you from under there! What the hell are you yelling about? Look, I stopped spraying you! Shut uuuuupppppp!!! It's 5 am and I left you food at midnight, you fatass! It's your own fault you ate it all up!

Sheba: I am a Voice for Free Feeding!

MEOW! MEOW! meow! meow! meow! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! meowmeowmeow! MEOW! MEOW! MEOWWWWW! MEOW! MEOW! meow! meow! meow! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! meowmeowmeow! MEOW! MEOW! meowwwwww!!!!!!!

Nicole: AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!


The scene from five this morning.

Lesson: Damn the vet and his diet restrictions, I need to start free-feeding my cat.

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